Stupid People should be Shot on Sight

Now if only the United States Secret Service had adopted my mantra, this whole debacle could have been preempted that fateful night at the East Gate with one shot for the fake Redskin's cheerleader Victoria's Secret model aspiring reality show housewife and one for the idiot she's married to.

The Daily Bailey

I do not understand why SHE thinks she can speak to me in the manner in which she does. Can I tell you that the other day she actually had the nerve to call me FAT?? Is that the way you’re going to talk to your kids human? You better sign me up for therapy. I am most certainly not fat (even though I knocked over that bag of pastries and munchkins you stupidly left on the counter and desperately tried to eat them). But hey while we’re name calling, you are looking a little brawny lately as well. I happen to really enjoy eating food (as it’s clear you do as well) and when it’s put in front of me, I scarf it down. And I beg for it all of the time. But that does not mean I have an unhealthy obsession with it. How dare she! I mean, what does she really expect. I am left in this 4x4 cell she calls an apartment day after day, with no room to run around or chase things, so of course I just sleep all day. Clearly I am not a calorie burning machine. When you throw my aluminum foil ball and I chase it down 2 feet... That is not really considered exercise.

We are also going to need to work on your tact. “Someone’s getting a little pooch” and “fattest belly” are not things to say to someone when encouraging weight loss. Threats such as “we are going to weigh you when we get home” are probably not the way to go either. I know there are fatter kitties out there than me, so if you even think about putting me on some kind of diet... I will eat you in your sleep. Besides, I’m a guy. I’m allowed to have a little kibble belly and still live with a hot girl. Yes, that’s right, I just complimented you... It won’t ever happen again so soak it up now. I guess it’s the least you deserve since after all of your incessant degrading of my fragile kitty psyche combined with the overt emotional abuse, I threw up all over. I now probably have an eating disorder and body image issues... I am like an after school special waiting to happen. Way to go human...

Filled with GLEE

I am having the BEST few months ever for celebrity sightings. So great in fact, that I begin to fill myself with self doubt even though I am fairly positive that the person I've spotted is actually the person that I think he is. Case in point, my GLEEful ride on the E train Saturday in which I entered the train, looked up and was greeted with the amazingness that is Matthew Morrison. I knew this was who I was unabashedly STARING at, however most stars seem shorter in person and he was quite imposing. He also had some funky, but still hot, facial hair goin on, and was talking to a dude wearing a Newark Bears sweatshirt. Ok, maybe it's not him. But, he got off at 8th and 50th which is the heart of the theater district, and after some legwork by my PI agency, Slightly Crazy Nancy Drew, I learned that he was in town to see an off Broadway show starring his GLEE co-star Jane Lynch. Oh yes, it was him. Fully shoulda jumped him when I had the chance...

Poker face? I hardly know her

Some of my team's work has been nominated for a Clio Healthcare Award! It's extremely exciting since it's the first year that the Clio's are opening their awards to pharmaceutical advertising. Whatever will I wear!? The invitation says "creative attire" but apparently there was some widespread confusion as to what that meant so an email was sent around to clarify. Creative attire for women means no knee length skirts, not wearing all black... instead the suggested attire was unibody suits, tutus, and anything Lady Gaga would wear. Say what? Did I read that correctly? So so so many choices... Personally the wreath look is calling out to me...

Rationalizing 102

I ran into a co-worker of mine in the elevator this morning who was holding a holiday Starbucks cup and the reality dawned on me... it's almost that time again. Time to famously compile my list of "completely pointless overpriced things" that I want (see last year's entry http://rtweb.blogspot.com/2008/12/rationalizing-101.html). Notice I said want, not need. Last year's purchase has truly been a success and I cannot stress enough how empowering it was to walk into a store, point at something I have no business owning, and walk out with it. It was like winning the ridiculousness lottery. This year I am starting early, looking karma right in the face and compiling my obnoxious list pre-receipt of my gift card... which means I should probably tell you that I'm going to donate it all to charity... a charity called The Louboutin for Jessica's Feet Club...

The Daily Bailey

I have to tell you, I’ve been left home alone a lot lately. What is that about?! Have I done something wrong? I may be starting to get a complex. I mean LOOK at this face. I am adorable. And furry. Who wouldn’t want to be around me? I believe the story was something about “working late,” “watching the game,” “a wedding,” or some other bullshit in which SHE clearly forgot that I OWN her. I don’t really listen anymore. It’s only when I see my feeder come out that I know I’ll be flying solo. Usually she seems really sad to leave me, closing the door in slow motion while staring at me and telling me in a squeaky baby voice how much she loves me. This time however, she couldn’t wait to get away from me. I’m guessing because I made her have a nervous breakdown (and possibly cry) when I kept her up the whole night before. Maybe she won’t come back...

But she did. And when she does, she likes to overcompensate for completely ditching me, by picking me up and trying to assert 2 days of missed care into 2 minutes. Maybe I am a bit persnickety, but I do not want to go “uppy”. I do not like to be handled. You can pet me and scratch my head (until I try to claw you), sometimes I even allow a bit of brushing with that special cat brush, but all of this must occur while I have all 4 paws firmly planted on the floor or bed. SHE thinks I like to be picked up because one time I didn’t squirm while she was in front of the mirror and I was mesmerized by my handsome reflection. However usually I am just uncomfortable. Aren’t there lessons she can take? What do you think you’re carrying a grocery sack or a watermelon? How difficult can it be to correctly pick up a cat? Until you learn, put me the hell down. Oh and stop incessantly trying to stick that miniature Yankee hat on me. I do not wear accessories and I do not want hat head. Besides, haven’t you ever considered that maybe I’m a Mets fan?? I don’t have to like everything you like, I’m my own person you know... and oh so lonely...