Another installment of the Work Moon-o-meter

I just received an email from HR claiming they were "excited" to be able to offer the week between Christmas and New Years as an "optional" work week. At first you're thinking that's great! Of course if I had the option I wouldn't work! BUT... read on and it says I can use my vacation days, or choose to work and not get paid.

Co-worker: Here we go with their offer to let us not work and not get paid. I believe that's what's known as QUITTING.
Jess: I was JUST writing you! You beat me to it! This email is such a load of BS! "optional time"... I love how their "excited" and they make it seem like it's some kind of big perk when really it is absolutely NOTHING
Co-worker: HA. I knew we'd be on the same wavelength. Your assessment is absolutely correct. Might as well have been a blank e-mail. I deleted it.

What a complete farce! They should be embarrassed that they even sent that email let alone came up with that ludicrous idea... this EASILY rates at least a 9...

NFL gets Desperate

Ok wait I'm confused. They made ABC apologize for a steamy intro to MNF that included Nicolette Sheridan in a towel making sexual overtures at Terrell Owens? The NFL called the intro "inappropriate and unsuitable for our 'Monday Night Football' audience." Maybe they're confused as to their audience? I kinda thought it would be mostly males ages 13-60, so I'm still not quite sure why they had to apologize? Men were complaining about this? Are you sure? As long as there were no booby slips, I really don't see the problem. The only thing really worth complaining about would be the fact that they didn't use Eva Longoria because she is smoking hot and Nicolette is plastic not...

Quickies

MNF last night, Donovan McNabb scrambled for 14 seconds then completed a 60 yard pass downfield... unreal. He truly is amazing, I bet his mom was proud...

Clay Aiken on Larry King. Mara was glued to the screen and TIVO'd it, and if she could then sleep with the TIVO, she would have.
Mara: he called him something like "the next celine dion"...i was like huh, excuse me?
Jess: yea EXCUSE ME??? Nuh uh
But Mara will be purchasing his Christmas album and I'd be lying if I said I didn't own Celine's and sing along to "O Holy Night" like any good Celine adoring Jew would do... but that's about the end of the similarities.

Homeland Security something or other Tom Ridge just resigned. Man they're dropping like flies... maybe Condi Rice can do ALL their jobs!!

Time for new Cabinetry

4 cabinet members have already resigned from the administration. Maybe if a few more follow the pack, Bush will get confused and resign too... yea I know... silly dreams. But in other news, apparently Canada feels so much pity for us that they are urging Canadians: "Open your heart, and your home. Marry an American. Legions of Canadians have already pledged to sacrifice their singlehood to save our southern neighbors from four more years of cowboy conservatism." Hmmm Canada, how unselfish of them... wonder what it's like there, prolly cold. What about Mexico? Are they opening their borders and vowing matrimony too? Might not be a bad idea... I mean who's scarier Cheney or a Mexican druglord?? A Mexican trying to speak English or Bush trying to speak English?? These are too close to call...

Stern/Jameson 2008

As an addendum to today's RTW about the looming possibility of Hillary vs. Schwarzenfocker '08, I thought we should discuss some other viable options. I read on msnbc last week that in order to get "in touch" with the rural red state voters, Washington Democrats need to eat at Applebee's, Denny's and Cracker Barrel???? They're kidding right? That is their solution? Forget that crap, let's make this interesting... while avoiding bad food. I propose we run Howard Stern and Jenna Jameson on the Democratic ticket in '08. Don't lie, how f'ing great would that be! Imagine the endless possibilites of fund raising events! If it's between eating at Denny's or losing... might as well lose and have some fun with it! All those conservative Christian Jesus freaks would have a cow... oh wait, they probably already have like 5 cows. Howard for Prez! It would certainly be a campaign nobody would forget for quite some time... HEY NOW!

AMA Wrap Up

Diana Ross is either illiterate or apparently still doing drugs, because what she was saying was definitely not rational english...
If I won one of these, I'd be forced to thank Abraham, Moses, Jacob, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah...
Is is just me or are Jessica Simpson's performances gut wrenchingly boring? The only thing that kept me amused was counting how many times she caressed her own face...
Ok even JoJo can read the teleprompter correctly and she's like 12? Poor Diana...
I see Rod Stewart in really ugly red plaid pants, and I think to myself what a very fashion challenged world...
Someone wrote a song called "Red Neck Woman"??? Does anyone need any more proof that the south is like a completely different country? Wow.
Eva Longoria... ME-OW... Bon Jovi... ME-OW. I heart Jon Bon Jovi. Hello Lover, Come to mama...
Sheryl Crow looked like there was at least a 75% chance she'd crap her pants before she finished accepting her award...
Janet managed to keep her blouse on this time... kudos to her...
Josh Groban, jury's still out... cute or not cute? The boy sure as hell can sing though... which is more than Ashlee Simpson can say, she should be ashamed to be in the same business...
The rest of the show sounds kinda boring... sorry I'm changing the channel, you're gonna have to go it alone from here on in... good luck

Hallelujah, AMEN and all that

GUILTY!!!!! Scotty SOB is getting exactly what he deserves. 1st degree of Laci, lesser charge of the fetusbaby... but I'll take it! Where's your big cocky smile now?? Life in the slammer baby or maybe even death! I hope he cries, damn coward. Scott scum of the earth, let me give you some advice... don't drop the soap buddy...

Let's get quizzical

Jess: I just took the Desperate Housewives quiz and umm.... i am lynette.... AHHHH
Jess: that is not ok
Mara: hahahaha
Mara: i was susan!
Jess: that's better than lynette!!!!
Jess: she has 4 KIDSSSSSSSSSSSS
Mara: haaaaaaaaaa and takes ritilin
Jess: OMG!!!
Jess: hahahahhaha
Jess: i'd take ritalin too if i had 4 kids
Mara: doesnt she only have 3
Jess: 3, 4... who cares! still too many
Jess: did u see i was seth in the OC quiz
Jess: who were you again?
Mara: i was kirsten
Jess: you're my mom
Mara: haaaa...u were seth?
Jess: at least we weren't luke

GO OrangeMEN

That most fabulous time has come again and you know what it's called... let's all say it together... CUSE BBALL! We are pre-season ranked as #6 and our first game is tonight at 7:30 against Northern Colorado. We all know how I love that Gerry! Oh Gerry baby, light it up! And Hakim... love the sweatband darling! And Craig Forth...??? Craig Forth?, isn't he like 35 years old by now?? GO CUSE!

What's the Big F'ing Deal?

Tons of controversy over the airing of "Saving Ryan's Privates" oops make that "Saving Private Ryan" tonight on ABC. They are showing it uncut, which apparently means the F word will appear repeatedly on network tv tonight starting at around 8PM. Kind of F'ing hard to believe, yet F'ing amazing. Guess in which states they're refusing to air the movie... come on F'ing guess! They're so scared of the FCC, that they wish to believe the troops are saying "Oh Phooey, there goes my leg"... gosh we are oh so moral. And the violence, ugh it's just too much. It's not like our troops are encountering that everyday in Falloonyjah...

Wipe off that smirk

Raise your hand if you think Scott Peterson is innocent. Ok I see two hands. Scott because he's a liar, and Mark Geragos because he's getting paid to say that. I know, I know... innocent until proven guilty. But you mean to tell me there's someone who actually believes a random person killed a poor defenseless preggers lady for absolutely no reason, then took the time to frame 'ol Scotty boy, who was busy having an affair, lying about everything, dying his hair and running off? If that jury lets a douche bag baby killer walk free, then they are seriously out of touch with reality... and I bet I know who they voted for...

And many more...

Today is my grandpa's BIRTHDAY! Oh Grandpa! How cute is he?!! We respect our elders here at the RTW Blog, so we couldn't let the day go by unnoticed! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAMPS! (Yo sibling... don't forget to call him later...!)

Britney's at 14:59 and counting...

Hold your horses, we almost forgot! Brit's greatest hits album drops today! We should be ashamed of ourselves for forgetting something this important. I mean look at her... all greased up, airbrushed thin, bra and boyshort clad, and being attacked by a strange furry neck thing and poofy arm leather sleeved bolero jacket for the cover. This is her moment in the sun... no cheetos, no red bull, no naster-ific hubby or his bastard children. I will make a deal with you B, I will buy your album... if you promise that Kev-o will get a vasectomy and stop trying to populate the earth with his offspring...

A Rocket Crock - et

You know who Yankee fans hate almost as much as the whole city of Boston? Roger Clemens. That backstabbing liar of a maggot just won the Cy Young for the seventh time. Guess we all should have seen that coming, just kick us while we're down Rog. How's that retirement going old buddy? Oh swell A? You are almost the equivalent to Cher, who's had like 5 farewell tours and is STILL not gone...

Josh Du(me!)hamel

With all the photos I've put up lately for the guys to enjoy, I thought I'd put one up for the ladies... although you can't have him because I've already claimed him and I will fight to the death for him... be warned. He doesn't have to flash the paparazzi his private parts, but I wish he would... he is still so freaking hot with all his clothes on. Yum yum gimme some. If that's not a reason to shop at The Gap right there, someone please name one...

Skank War II

I don't know about you guys, but I've seen enough. Apparently Paris was jealous that Tara's fake boob was getting all the attention, she felt so lonely and left out of the spotlight... so she decided to do one better and lift up her dress to let the... uh... beaver out of the bag. Dirty Skank much? This war is going to be over tomorrow when Lindsay Lohan just shows up somewhere butt naked and outdoes them both... just you wait

Snow way!

Yea... just FYI, it happens to be snowing in Syracuse right now. Gotta love it. And yes, that picture is another one of my really fun modeling gigs, reminiscent of how I used to look going to class in Cuse. Oh wait, I forgot... I tried to employ a "Snow=no go" policy... but it ended up not working out so well since it snowed all the freaking time...

What a total BOOB

Jess: can you see this site?
Jess: http://thatsjustnotright.com/movies/hires/tarareid/index.html
Sari: yes
Sari: is that a joke?
Jess: um i don't think so
Jess: her WHOLE BOOB is hanging out
Sari: hahah
Sari: I know!
Sari: idiot!
Jess: ugh! and you can see her nasty scar lines on her nipples
Sari: moron
Jess: does she not notice? is she THAT drunk!
Sari: I love her necklace
Jess: haha!! yea goes nicely with her NIPPLE

Who's that girl?

Just in case you were wondering, this is what I do at work sometimes... hang out in the woods and wear all the props. Yep, that's why they pay me the big buckaroos... ain't no better clothesrack than me. If this doesn't scream "November cover of Vogue", I just don't know what does...

Lil Strange...

Lil Kim spoke at Syracuse University?? They actually teach a class entitled "Hip-Hop Eshu: Queen B@#$H101 -- The Life and Times of Lil' Kim"?? Did I take too many drugs today, or not enough... what in the hell is that about? Who thought of this stellar idea? On her website it says I can watch a video clip of Lil Kim's visit to "The Syracuse University"...?? The class requires students to read her lyrics as literary texts?? Seriously? Like without laughing?? Ok here goes...
I got the magic clit
I know if I get licked once, I get licked twice
I am the baddest chick
Shorty you don't believe me, then come with me tonight
And I'll show you magic

now that's higher education for ya... kinda makes you wonder

Dead or Alive?

Ok seriously which is it?? Let's all pick one, just one... and stick with it! He's either dead, or not dead... unfortunately he cannot be both. That would be interesting, but it simply cannot be. Sorry Charlie...

Liquor? I didn't even vote for her

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I got drunk at work yesterday, but then it hit me. All of a sudden we were in the studio, drinking 4 bottles of red wine at 4:00 PM, doing absolutely nothing... and I thought, wow I could get used to this "work" thing. I wonder why today of all days we're getting wasted on work time? Oh, yea... that's why. Needless to say, it was not a fun bus ride home... I've never had to pee so bad in my life, and instead of the usual drunk bums on the subway... I was taking their place.

Name Game

We are going about forming our new government and Nicole, our newly elected Secretary of Education, has informed me that our new country's name is not entirely correct. Being an administration that can admit when it is wrong... we have announced this correction. Our new country will be called... CaliJersYorkTicutLandVaniaOisChiganOreTonWareSotaMontConsinAiiShire Island
I know it seems a bit... um... lengthy, but it's not as hard to pronounce as some other places in the world. Any ideas for a flag?

He who is Victronious

Ahh Bush, apparently we "misunderestimated" you once again. Your "strategery" was just too sly. Now you inherit a deeply divided country... again. Let's hope maybe this time you can be the "unificator" you say you are. But... if anyone has any doubts... I am moving we start our own country... CaliJersYorkTicutLandAii. I know it's a mouthful, but it's not half as bad as some of the dingers Bush makes up. Can't wait to hear his victory speech later... "Thank you! I knew we'd be uhhhh victronious... I owe it all to this Hispanos lady and the Internets"
 

Why men have an easier time throwing parties

Jill: Ok, I'm geared with the animal crackers and frosting.... What do you all prefer- chocolate or vanilla? I'll try to find some animal crackers with all donkeys! or we'll just eat the elephants first!
Jess: HAHAHA!!
Sari: I need a vote here... pretzels or doritoes?
Jill: Rumor has it that pretzels go nicely with frosting as well.... But either one!
Jess: I can't vote anymore I'm sorry, I'm voted out... BUT... the CNN/USA
Today poll says doritoes are in the lead
Marisa: baked cool ranch are awesome BUT are not good with frosting
Jill: NA-CHO ordinary chip
Jess: Well sorry ladies, I'm buying... and this is a dictatorship NOT a democracy... so you get whatever I give you...
Sari: Thanks for throwing the vote off... Who said anything about cool
ranch!??!?! I was referring to Nacho Cheesier!!!
Jill: I demand a re-count

You bring the chips!

I will be attending an election night "party" later. It'll be like a super bowl party, yet slower and without boobies at halftime... then again, if our candidate is winning there could be raucous "flashes" of excitement, anything is possible. I'm bringing a blank electorate map so we can get sloshed and play pin the donkey on the state! Yea right who am I kidding... We're probably going to sip wine, nibble on crudite, engage in political small talk and all be in bed by 12... the workweek stops for nothing

If I can... you can! VOTE!

I've always voted absentee ballot. Easy, simple... pencil, stamp, send. But once, I can't remember for what election, I had to go in person. My now ex-boyfriend took me and asked if I wanted him to come into the school with me, but I figured I could handle it myself. How hard could it be right? I sign the book, I walk up to the machine and I try to pull the curtains closed... manually. I used to go with my parents all the time when I was little, why can't I remember how this thing works? Well after numerous attempts of tugging on them, the curtains won't close.. so I decide screw it, I'll just vote with the damn things open. I turn to read the instructions and it says "pull lever to start", upon pulling the lever, the curtains close... man oh man do I feel dumb. I never told that story to anyone before...

Bean You!

Sari: haha- ok- first of all- you ordered the vanilla bean creme- not the vanilla frap... HAHA- I had the vanilla cafe frap
Jess: no i didn't
Jess: but maybe that's what she gave me
Sari: lol
Sari: I heard the whole thing
Sari: she asked vanilla caffe or vanilla bean
Jess: noooooooooooo
Sari: haha I ordered the vanilla caffe
Jess: I said caffe vanilla with skim milk and she said it's made with skim milk, it's called the vanilla bean
Sari: how come she got mine right and yours wrong?
Sari: lol
Jess: bc she's fucking dumb and working in starbucks?
Sari: hahahah
Jess: I promise you I never said the word creme
Sari: cremeyface
Jess: bean
Sari: haha- dood... I am not the vanilla bean!
Jess: u are a bean
Sari: no
Sari: I was a caffe vanilla frap
Sari: u were a bean creme frap!

Learnyface Corner

Things I learned this weekend...
1 - Even though it is 70 degrees at the end of October, there is no legitimate reason to walk from Spring Street all the way home... ever. That is what they invented the subway for... I can't feel the lower half of my body right now.
2 - The Caffe Vanilla frappachino at Starbucks is actually a vanilla bean concoction... and it's not so good, ok I was being nice... it's really bad. Like taking a 5 dollar bill and tearing it up.
And lastly...
3 - 12 pound dumbbells are extremely heavy. Owch. Arms, owch.