Posting from the RTW archives

When I was a kid, er, until I was like 17, I went trick-or-treating with pillowcases... in multiple neighborhoods. I acquired so much candy, that I emptied out one of my desk drawers and stashed it all in there like a squirrel collecting and hiding his take for the long winter. Then I would consume it in reverse preference order. All the crappy candy went first, all the favorites (ie, kit-kat, reeses, mounds) were saved for last. It was a joyous time of year. Candy rules.

Volume CCXLVII - Don't take Pretzels from Strangers

One could argue that Halloween is the best holiday. It definitely ranks right up there in the top 5. I can see strong cases made for Chanukah/Christmas/Kwanzaa solely based on the gift platform. I'll give you that much. Presents are pretty sweet. Wait, do you get presents for Kwanzaa? If not, you're fully missing out... you should convert... And soon. I suppose if you really like starch, you could put up a fight for Thanksgiving. Mashed sweet potatoes are pretty delicious too, especially with marshmallows. And yes as usual, I've found a way to talk about food. New Years is always way too hyped up to ever be as fun as you want it to be. St. Patty's has green beer, Easter has an egg laying bunny, Sukkot has outdoor camping... But Halloween has identity avoidance and candy. How can you beat that? What other day can you be anyone you want to be and consume 400 million grams of fat in chocolate? When else is it socially acceptable to wear a French maid's costume to a bar or have a tail? These are all solid arguments. Don't try to tell me that the sweater you got for Christmas from your Great Aunt, fruit cake and 12 hours of the Yule log is better than girls wearing fishnets for fun and a Snickers. People dressed like idiots and free candy from strangers! That is quite the concept. Killer holiday idea...

There are two places you can be sure there will be candy every Halloween, besides Duane Reade. Those would be your office and your parents house. It's almost certain that some pesky co-worker is going to show up on November 1st with bags of leftover candy just to torment and torture you. I will not be that person, because I will not be getting candy this year. If it's in my apartment, I will eat it. I could tell myself that it's not for me, it's for the little kiddies... But I would no doubt convince myself that there are no little kiddies in my building and eat all of it. Therefore if there were little kiddies in my building, they would have to make do with English Muffins or whatever other surplus goods there happened to be in my apartment. I mean hey, if my mom is planning on giving out pretzels for Halloween, I can get away with some hearty nooks and crannies. Yes, I really thought there would be candy in my parents house, but I came home to find a Costco container of pretzels in orange "boo" bags. Clearly unable to hide my disappointment or fearfulness that my house will most likely be egged, I inquired as to why we were shunning actual candy this year. My mom replied that they don't get many trick or treaters so she didn't want candy left over... Hence the pretzels. Pretzels? On Halloween? Ain't no little kid that I know who wants to see pretzels being tossed into their goody sacks. If you're gonna put on a costume and walk miles around a neighborhood in the freezing cold, you're doing it for Reese's or Kit Kat... Not pretzels! What a slap in the face of everything Halloween-ey! Even doctors give out lollipops... Jesus Mom! You might as well hand out pennies...

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