The Daily Bailey

Scene: SHE has a black eye. HE is apologizing profusely. Ice is being frantically pulled from the freezer. I am lounging on the chair looking adorable and not at all at fault.

10 minutes earlier...

He’s really starting to grow on me. Whenever he’s over, there’s a lot better looking food arriving... Not that crap that comes out of the microwave that not even I’d beg for. And we get to watch football instead of dumb girly soap operas. I truly need this male role model in my life and I treasure my testosterone time. It pains me to see him washing her dishes and filling up her water glass. Man up, man, she should wait on you just like she waits on me. In fact, you should demand this treatment father. Are you my father? We are both ruggedly handsome, so I will accept this as plausible. I am willing to share my man of the house status with you if in fact it allows you to be treated with the respect you deserve. Please don’t ever go home, adopt me and stay forever.

Wait... Where are you going?? You are leaving me? Here, with her? I demand that you answer me immediately!! You cannot leave!!! He starts to head for the door and I sprint ahead and plant myself right in front, blocking his way. If I had time, I would have made a sign that said “hell no, please don’t go... Yo,” but alas, the door is opening, as I walk behind it to stare through the slit and make sad cat eyes into the hallway. He acknowledges me and sticks his finger through the slit, which I promptly try to grab with my paw and pull him back inside. He obviously thinks we are playing, but this is not a joke to me... If I could just grab a hold of him... Oooh I think I’ve got you now!!! However he jerks his hand away and it promptly collides with her face as she was bending down to see what was going on. WHACK! She got punched right in the eye!!! Holy Spaghetti and Meowballs, that was amazing. He looks really upset (stop apologizing, she deserved it) as I run away because clearly I’m going to be blamed... And this is not how it went down in my dream of him punching her in the face. However, now he’s coming back inside... So looks like I WIN... As usual. Too bad about that collateral damage... you might wanna consider wearing some dark glasses tomorrow Tina Turner.