Thesaurus: my favorite dinosaur

Tool: instrument used to shape, form, or finish
gadget, gizmo, implement

Tool: person who allows himself to be used
chump, creature, stool pigeon

Really? REALLY? Which one of these was I not expecting to see as a listing? Yea I'm pretty sure that's self-explanatory.

I Call Bullshit

I find things that are sold on tv to be extremely interesting. Why are they exclusively sold on tv? Why can’t I buy them in a store? Because stores don’t want to stock these items since most likely nobody will buy it? Because it’s special? So special that I should pay extra to have it shipped to me and purchase it sight unseen? It took me like 5 years to figure out what the hell “No COD’s” meant and it’s obvious I still have many burning questions about tv products.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to these items and I even own a few, but I never called and ordered them off the television. I waited until they were available in stores. It’s always some ingenious invention that’s going to work miracles like the Ab Roller or the contraption that holds your bra straps in place (both of which I own, but don’t use.) However for all of the ones that seem truly amazing, there are more of them that truly border on the uncomfortably ludicrous. Ones like the Neckline Slimmer, of which I saw a commercial for while I was on the treadmill the other day.

The Neckline Slimmer is a gadget that has springs in it and basically allows you to do what looks like sit ups for your neck. I can firm, lift, and smooth my neck in just 2 minutes a day! What ever has my loose, droopy, coarse neck done without this?! I wonder if it works as well as that exercise they did in the 50’s while singing “I must, I must, I must increase my bust.” The website has the usual testimonials and most likely doctored before and after photos, but I do have to say I was pleased to see no uses of the term “turkey neck.” Too bad Heidi Montag wasn’t aware of this nifty device, it could have spared her the trouble of undergoing neck liposuction. We are a seriously twisted and sad society.

I Call Bullshit

My co-worker Colleen sent me a link to a CNN article about crazy inventions with the cryptic message "slide #2 is for you." Alas on slide #2 is a description of "CitiKitty" (which coincidentally I oddly once nicknamed myself back in the day), a toilet training kit for cats. I'm sorry, say what? A woman moved to NYC with her husband and her husband's cat (not HER cat, his cat) and couldn't stand the stench of kitty litter, so she dreamt up this system that teaches the cat to use the toilet. Based on the above picture alone, which makes me laugh and simultaneously cringe, I HAD to see this website.

And this website did not disappoint. There's a video of a cat using the toilet on it. The poor guy, who does his business with his back to us, even scratches at the toilet seat when he's done, pretending he's burying it! Watching this video made me bust out laughing at my desk and feel slightly dirty and voyeuristic at the same time. Did this cat approve of his private bathroom moment being posted on the world wide web?

I'm not really sure what to think of this. First off, Bailey would never do this. Anything that would potentially make my life easier, ie, the automatic feeder, he finds a way to tamper with and screw up. Secondly, what if the cat accidentally fell in? Or tried to drink from the toilet? This seriously cannot be safe. What if my cat has really bad aim? Lastly, and possibly most importantly, I would DIE laughing if I walked into the bathroom and Bailey was on the toilet. Should I leave National Geographic in there for him to read on the pot too...?

Top Ten

Police: Woman bit off a third of sister’s nose

Top Ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) My brother and I used to fight, but wow.

9) Crazy nose biter was charged with “mayhem,” which is actually defined in part under a 1931 Michigan law as mutilating another person's nose. Apparently this happens a lot in Michigan. If you value your nose, don’t go there.

8) Did they call animal control? Sounds like someone has a case of the rabies.

7) Whatever happened to good old scratching and hair pulling?

6) And I thought I was having a hard time breathing today. NyQuil certainly is not fixin that puppy.

5) Damn vampire craze.

4) Something tells me it’s going to be a very awkward family Thanksgiving this year.

3) In the realm of potential acceptable reasons for rhinoplasty, my sister bit off my nose comes in way above deviated septum.

2) I don’t know about you, but I never thought about splitting my nose up into thirds. And in the context of any part of it potentially being bitten off... I’d venture that the percentage is pretty unimportant.

And the number 1 reason why this is a great headline...

1) Mike Tyson got hungry at the very thought of this.

Top Ten

School orders boy, 4, to braid long locks

Top Ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) I’ve sat here for an hour trying to figure out a reason for this. Safety? How long is the hair? Is he at risk for tripping over it? Are small animals living in it?

9) Braid? Really? Is this an Amish school? Polygamist?

8) Seriously, this is a headline? And I spent an hour thinking about it?

7) Are the girls not allowed to have long hair either? I used to eat my hair and I never got suspended.

6) Another thing to add to the list of ways to get suspended from preschool: Eat paste. Disrupt naptime. Knock over the block tower. Pull Suzie’s hair... or not cut your own.

5) Oh now we can order people to look a certain way? Can I order the freelance guy in my office to wash his hair?

4) The obvious thing here would be to order him to cut it off. Apparently they’d rather humiliate him instead.

3) I believe it could be interpreted that they’ve just ordered a 4 year old to get corn rows.

2) His long hair violates the “Dress code.” There are probably 4 year old girls wearing boustiers and fishnets, let’s get our priorities straight.

And the number 1 reason why this is a great headline...

1) I wish my elementary school could have ordered people to cut off their rat tails.

Another Whopper from BK

It seems every year around this time Burger King rolls out a shock and awe campaign that has more to do with sex than fast food. Who could forget last year's infamous "Flame" meat scented cologne (see previous blog post Come on Baby Light My Fire) complete with vomit inducing scary big headed BK mascot that still to this day haunts my nightmares. I, along with my coworker Andrei who was the lucky recipient of "Flame" as a Christmas gift from me last year, were really hoping for the release of the next hit cologne in the line "Raw" or "Mad Cow," but instead it seems we have a Showercam competition. One in which I actually had to verify that I was above 18 in order to be allowed to log into the site. Guess this isn't exactly for the Happy Meal crowd...


It's like dirty reality Burger King Shower Barbie. I can pick what song she sings and what she wears, then I can watch her "shake her bits to the hits" every day. Because nothing makes me want to cram Burger King down my throat more than thinking about skinny people in bikinis. I can also enter to win a date with her or receive (above shown) Burger King shower kit as a consolation prize. Burger King rubber duckie, where have you been all my life??

Why the hell I would want any of this is still unclear to me, but then again I did rush out to purchase meat scented cologne last year so I am easily in their target market group of complete morons...