F My Life

God hates me. It's official. I was paying a shiva call for my best friend whose grandfather passed away. Doing a good deed. Being a good person. Completely blind to the fact that I'd just walked into a house of my past horrors. Seriously, if it wasn't a solemn occasion, there might have been screaming and bloody agony.  

Sitting at the table mere feet away was a guy I used to hook up with... And his fiance. I hadn't seen him in almost 4 years and I was totally fine with continuing that running tally. What I wouldn't have given to fully have been wearing a disguise at that very moment. Instead I thought it’d be a stellar idea to alternate between pretending to be a grown up and attempting to hide behind my fellow 5 foot tall friend and then eventually forcing her to stand with me while he approached (without his fiance) and proceeded to make small talk, and ever so smoothly throw in that he was leaving for his bachelor party on Thursday.  Oh yes. Like I care. Ah the irony that is my life while he talked about his wedding date and I discussed how cool it’d be to shoot a sawed off shotgun and devoured a Napoleon, a pastry named after a dictator.  Let's just say my awkwardness quota has been achieved for the next century, I'm good. Fully squared away.

Well, not unless I was to tell you that 10 minutes later my high school exes parents walked in. Could this be the most horrifyingly awkward night of my life? Just possibly. Standing there desperately wishing for that disguise again, and wondering what the hell I could have done to deserve this, as my friend's aunt announces their arrival by screaming out "Loook who's here!!" More painfully awkward small talk as his Mom approaches to say hello, and then the inevitable "I'm sure you've heard he's getting married." Oohh yesss of coooourse. Silly me. I'm sure you've heard I'm still single. I'm sure you've heard I'm a prostitute. I'm sure you've heard I have 5 illegitimate children with 4 baby daddies. I'm sure you've heard that  I really wish they were serving something stronger at this shiva, like CRACK. Take care now.

Did that really just happen? Seriously? Seriously. Who knew my friend's grandfather passing away would turn into such a tragedy for me. This would have made a great sitcom... I would have won an Emmy for Best Attempt to not drown your face in a bottle of tequila or crawl in a hole and die while in an utter calamity or cosmic joke...