Top Ten

Study: Tanning beds can be as deadly as arsenic

Top ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) I guess I’d need to peruse the actual methodology, but was this a head-to-head study? People must have been dropping dead all over the place in that case.

9) Yea but does arsenic give you that awesome I look amazing even at 4am golden brown glowy feeling? I think not.

8) So.... the sun is still okay then, right?

7) A good scare tactic only works if it’s actually something people are afraid of. I woulda gone with “tanning beds can be as deadly as swine flu terrorism democrats.” But that’s just me.

6) If at first you were skeptical, all of that immediately dissipated once you saw the word “study:” I 100% believe this now.

5) I love how it has fully been medicalized and legalized. Great usage of “can be” versus “are.” I always approve of unabsoluteness (not a word).

4) If I continually sprinkled tanning beds in your tea every morning, would you die? Clearly not as effective.

3) Hmm rats. Well what about the tanning booths?

2) Gonna go out on a limb here and say that half the people going to the tanning beds haven’t got a clue what the hell arsenic is. And yes, it is on the periodic table. And no that is actually not the kind of table you think it is.

And the number 1 reason this is a great headline...

1) Tanning beds can be possibly potentially maybe kinda sorta somewhat like climbing into a hydrogen bomb and detonating yourself.