Sports Corner: Randy Thug Stylin

Just when you thought Mikeyface hated Sports Corner, he turns around and sends an email video of Randy Johnson's welcome to New York party this afternoon. Apparently the "Big Unit", and I'm going to keep my perverse big unit/Johnson connotations to myself (too late), was in town for his physical and decided to get physical with some CBS2 cameramen and reporters on Madison. Calm down Randy, you're not in the Bronx yet... it's only Madison Avenue. At the end of the video after the camera guy was manhandled, you just hear him say "yea, Welcome to New York!" Damn CBS can't seem to stay out of trouble... those crazy reporters...

Blog it like it's Hot

Today marks RTW's 200th anniversary! I can't even believe it myself... that's enough material for like 5 novels! Well, I'll keep writing if you keep reading... deal?

Don't forget to check out the link to the RTW archives for this week's special encore of the F*cking Stu edition, and check out The Bachelerette tonight at 9PM on ABC! Obviously I'll be running commentary on it tomorrow... like I could resist...!

Mrs. Jessica Pitt

HOLY MOLY! Ladies... drop everything, especially your boyfriends and your pants... Brad Pitt is gonna be single!!! I told you 2005 was gonna be great! Was this because Jen didn't want to have his kids... if so... I will happily volunteer to sacrifice myself for the task. Jennifer Aniston is a fool... FEWL! Don't you just love my ghetto photoship skillz...

BS for CSI

Let's be upbeat today, shall we?! Besides, it's Friday! Only happy thoughts! Ok so on that note, the bestest news!! There are reports that Britbrit wants to be a forensic scientist!! Whatever you do... DON'T get killed because she'll totally screw up the investigation. Yes after watching "CSI", she decided it'd be really cool to do that... and being the famous pop star that she is, clearly she could just snap her fingers and become one overnight because she feels like it. Is that how she decided she wanted to become an actress too? She watched "Joey"? But wait... what if she flips the channel to "American Idol"... god help us all... oh shit that must have already happened... so this is how we got ourselves into this mess

Remorse??

Was that really mean... now I feel kinda bad! I'm a nice person, really I am! Whatever, he set himself up for public scrutiny when he went on a reality dating show... so I am free to scrutinize! Long live scrutiny! Party's still on!

Verizon Wireless' favorite person

T minus 4 days and counting til the F*cking Stu Debut Party! I am raring to go! Randomly saw him on the street the other day and walked an extra block out of my way to make sure it was really his pompous ass on his cell phone, then when he spotted me he started walking really slowly and must have ducked into a store. Oh Stu, you can't escape me that easy sugarpie, I'm having the whole city over to make fun of you Monday! How "classy" of me!

I just went to the bachelorlette page on abc.go.com to see if they'd posted his Bio yet, and got really excited because the pictures are up... but alas the bios are not yet. So instead, I did him the favor of writing one for him myself... hope he likes it.

F'ing Stu, from a town near Phili but I say I'm from Phili because that's cooler right? I went to Emory and Emory law. I'm a lawyer and that makes girls swoon, as do my really big muscles. I wear blue shorts to the gym. I pretend to like people, when really all I'm after is some really erotic text messaging... I love text messaging, yes, I'm a textomaniac. My name is Stu, and I'm a lying, scumbucket, sack of shit, textomaniac. Jen pick me, pick me!... but make sure you have the text plan on your phone first because I haven't learned how to communicate like a normal person yet!

You make me wanna Hurl Hurl

I find it strangely amusing that they're making such a big deal of the fact that Ashlee Simpson got booed while "singing", or whatever she thought that was that she was doing... at the Orange Bowl. Did they think we all weren't already aware of the fact that she is a terrible singer? Ok how else can we put this nicely... she can't sing? Singing, her, not meant to be? Please god no more? I'm not one to judge (yea right), but could it be because her sister was already famous that they just manufactured her to be a singer as well? These are the times in life when I really wonder why my brother couldn't be Justin Timberlake. Life would have been so easy! A commentator for MSNBC wrote "Ashlee's singing sounded like a cross between a political prisoner being tortured and a test of the Emergency Broadcast System." Greatest thing ever!

Good Old 9 to 5

Sari: pay attention to me!
Jess: sorry just making up what I did today for the work log
Jess: what did i do?
Sari: u made me laugh!
Jess: let's see... sent out 4 resumes
Jess: filed my nails?, listened to my ipod?
Jess: yea none of that is making the log
Jess: hmmm... this is going to be a problem
Jess: half hour in the bathroom... sorry i had diarrhea??
Jess: i wonder what they'd do if i wrote that
Sari: laugh
Jess: think i'd get fired?? yea i do
Sari: I wonder what would happen if you put that in between other stuff
Sari: like- fed exed- drank water, contacted model, diarrhea
Jess: ha! well i can't account for 8 complete hours of working, i mean i need water, bathroom
Jess: stretch, mind lapses
Jess: scratch my ass
Jess: these things are necessary
Sari: picked belly button lint
Jess: hahahaha lint!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jess: 8:15-8:30, picked eye goobers
Sari: 9:15-9:20 farted then simmered in my own scent
Jess: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jess: ewww what?!!!
Jess: one day i'm going to write that just to see if they read it
Jess: what happened between 8:30 and 9:15?
Sari: oatmeal
Jess: LOL oh right
Jess: i ate oatmeal for 45 mins, makes a lot of sense
Sari: grain by grain

Another installment of the Work Moon-o-meter

My friend Sari gets an email from her boss just now, subject line reads "Please change the colors-and email back to me". Upon opening it, she sees that it was forwarded to him with the text being all black minus a few of the updated numbers that are typed in red. He apparently has no idea how to change the color of the font on an email and needs her to do it for him and send it back to him in all black text. Completely ridiculous. This is what we went to college for? Based on sheer absurdness alone this at least rates a 7... and I thought me playing fed ex lady and packaging my own mail was an idiotic task...

Sari can you please change all this font to black and send it back to me... thanks...

Sports Corner: The Juice is loose

OJ will be attending the Orange Bowl tonight to watch his alma mater USC take on the Oklahoma Sooners for the National Championship. OJ at the Orange Bowl... god, the joke possibilities are endless...

The New Year of Me

Oh it's starting. The New Year blues. I've been at work for 3 hours and I've already taken one phone call from an elderly model who wants "just one more" picture, played fed ex lady for an hour, and possibly written the date with '04 instead of '05 three hundred times. And it's only going to get worse because today... is the most excruciating gym day of the year. Everyone riding high on their resolutions to get in shape will be there... well let's see... I give them today, tomorrow and maybe Wednesday, a few stragglers next week... then back to the old crowd.

and wait... everyone who has off today... go screw yourself. What is that about?? Today is NOT a holiday, please come up with some feasible explanation besides that you completely SUCK as to why you have the day off?? You're still thinking aren't you...

Here are my New Years Resolutions this year...

To get a new freaking job,
and to mellow out, not be wound so tight... just be laid back... in other words to CHILL the fuck out. And as you can tell from my above rantings... that one is working REALLY well for me!! Hey gotta love the old me, who'd want to change me???

The year is new

Oh it's that time again... the devil holiday is upon us, and soon it will be 2005. I don't really like years that end in odd numbers, they kinda give me the creeps... but anyway. Hoping this year I can escape the ghosts of new years past... 2 years ago I almost got arrested for jumping the turnstyle at the PATH train, and last year I wore maroon... disaster. Oh wait, I think Mara is wearing maroon this year... forget I said that. Happy New Year to all, and to all a drunken night!

RIP Jerry Orbach and 80,000 others

So incredibly sad right now that Jerry Orbach has passed away. In a double whammy, I click on CNN to refresh and the death toll has gone up to 80,000... 80,000 people, so terrible, hundreds of Americans missing, and Law and Order star Jerry Orbach died. Don't you ever feel like you need just five minutes to sit under your desk and be alone... I do. Awful, just awful.

Vacation, All I ever wanted

Yoo hoo?? Oh Bushie?? Hello?? Oh hi, excuse me sir, I hate to interrupt your vacation... um but... see well, there was this huge earthquake which caused an even bigger tidal wave... a tsunami to be more exact, and it sort of, well, it hit like 8 countries over in Asia. Asia... you know where that is right?? Little to the right of Iraq. Anyway... this wave, it caused the death of almost 70,000 innocent people. 70,000... which could double with disease. I mean, surely you've been told of this? I hate to ask this sir, but, do you have a huge zit or something? Laryngitis? I thought for sure I'd see you on television making an impassioned statement about the horrors going on over there and how we will help. I know it wasn't 70,000 Americans, but surely you can spare ten minutes to show the rest of the world that you give a sh... oh, right... you're on vacation. Well, I guess then... uhhh... whenever you get around to it... clearly it's unimportant. Maybe wait like 4 days and do it today?? This is Time Magazine's Person of the Year??? Hail to the Chief...

All time worst movies

I saw two movies this weekend. "Meet the Fockers", and "Sideways". Glad to tell you that neither of them made my All time worst movies list, but I debated on "Sideways" for a little, until I recalled the movies on the list, and thought better of it. Here they are in no specific order...

A.I.
Vanilla Sky
The Royal Tenenbaums
Adaptation

Now, realize that I have not seen many movies, therefore the list is small but concise. I am in the process of expanding my movie knowledge, so the list has the potential to grow, I have not seen "Glitter" or "Gigli" yet... but for now it stands as that. I will however hear any arguments from those of you who would like to nominate a movie not currently on the list.

Fucking Stu Debut

Ok people we need to chat. So a new season of The Bachelerette starts on Monday January 10, 2005. This is not just any other day anymore... this is the day you are all invited to my apartment to witness the debut of someone I like to call "Fucking Stu". Yes boys and girls, a guy I was seeing is one of the 25 picked to be on the show and he's in US Weekly this week! Are you dying??? Because when my friend Katie told me, I was... on the floor laughing so hard I thought I might pee. Mainly because you have NO IDEA what kind of CREATON this guy is, hence his nickname "Fucking Stu", and I wrote a whole RTW about him this year, which I'll post on the Archive page the week of the show! So yea, this is the most hilarious thing I have EVER heard and you are all invited over that night to laugh at him with me... so mark your calendars

Don't poo-poo Christmas

What says Christmas like a poo-ing snowman?? Nothing! Merry Merry ya'll!

New every Two

Jess: you are not going to believe what happened after I spoke to you
Jess: I have to bring my new phone back
Sari: y????????/
Jess: bc the lady lied to me
Jess: i have to buy it in a real verizon store
Jess: the lady never told me that, she made up some story about them crediting me on my bill for my new every 2 years $100 credit
Jess: which apparently is BS
Jess: so I was on the phone with verizon for an hour, got hung up on 5 times
Sari: ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jess: then I got this really nice lady who told me I had to return the phone to Rumy the Indian lady and go get a new one and she's crediting me $30 for my trouble
Sari: awwwwwwww
Jess: ugh I don't have time to run all over the city because some whore lied to me
Jess: Rumy... she has the standard one ass hole right now, but after 7:00 when I get there... she will be blessed with 2
Jess: I'm going to kill her
Sari: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Jess: filthy liar
Sari: HAHHAHAH!
Sari: HAHAHAHHA
Sari: hahahahhahaha
Jess: I'm glad you think this is funny!!!!!!!!!!
Jess: I am so upset
Sari: sorry
Jess: I had a new phone for 3 hours!
Jess: hahaha, I am scarred
Sari: I dont think its funny
Sari: just your reaction!
Jess: lol
Sari: love you!
Sari: blessed with 2!
Sari: lol
Jess: why me?!?!

Yule never understand

Of course I wouldn't understand the traditions of Christmas, but some... I really don't get. Like fruit cake. Does anyone actually like fruit cake?? It reminds me of those scary jello molds with unidentifiable fruit floating in them. Why would anyone voluntarily eat that stuff?? Then there's the yule log. There was a full page ad in AMNY this morning for 4 commercial free hours of watching a fireplace on the WB. People watch that? A burning log? That sounds to me about as exciting as watching grass grow. It doesn't do anything... it's just a fireplace with background Christmas elevator music. Us Jews don't even stick around to watch the Chanukah candles burn all the way down, which would take like what?, an hour?? No wonder we can't fathom watching a log for 4 hours....

Mikeyface hates Sports Corner

Katie: God hates the Eagles

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????? Can DNabb do it alone with no TO? This is a disaster.
At least the Patriots lost last night. I can take solace in that while I wait for my Chrismukkah miracle... TO gets a bionic ankle transplant.