A Royal Pain

So much has been made of Michelle Obama and the touch heard round the world. Breaking protocol, touching the Queen... How could she? I suppose because I am not from England, nor have I ever met the Queen, that it is not surprising that I was in no way aware of the very strict rules surrounding a potential encounter with her. However, now that I am... I am fully enacting these rules for myself as well. I need to be treated with the respect that I deserve. From this point forward please obey the following:

When one meets Her Majesty the Queen of the Upper East Side and the Commonwealth of her studio apartment,

• One must bow if a man or curtsy if a woman.

• One must never show ones back, instead must face her at all times.

• Never speak unless spoken to.

• No one eats until she eats; no one sleeps until she sleeps.

• If one is wearing gloves or sunglasses they are to remove them immediately.

• If Her Majesty offers her hand, one is to shake it. Otherwise never initiate touching Her Majesty.

• Her Majesty will let one know when the conversation or meeting is over. Leave promptly, making sure one remains facing Her Majesty, bow or curtsy, and then exit.

• Do not dare even crack a smile as Her Majesty laughs her ass off at you while you walk backwards out of the room.

Thank you fair peasants.