Break me off a piece of that

I have to tell you. Just because I don’t write about “these things” that happen to me anymore, sadly does not translate into them not happening. They still happen. See below for proof...

Saturday

10AM

I break the shower. While attempting to turn off the hot water, Muscles McGee (yes I mean me, coincidentally they used to call me Boobs McGee in college... I guess now I am her big brother, at least I’m keepin it in the family), breaks the knob which now seems to spin around towards off, yet never actually get there. Awesome. Hot water pouring non-stop into the tub. Now would be a great time to call my super.

12PM

He can’t fix it until Monday because he has to shut the water off for the whole building. No other option but to leave it. I’m certainly not going to sit around and stare at it. The super, who no offense is acting more like mediocre than super, assures me that it won’t overflow. So off I go to enjoy my day.

5PM

There is an overnight bag in my apartment that I need to pick up so that I can go to New Jersey for Father’s Day. I am in the 77th street subway station, staring up the stairs in horror at the torrential downpour and my serious lack of an umbrella. Did I anger the water gods somehow? 40 minutes of standing under an awning later, I make my way to see if my tub has overflowed.

5:30PM

Water still flowing into tub, check. Scalding hot, check. Anything I can do, nope.

Sunday

8PM

After having vivid daydreams of my apartment completely under water, my stuffed animals floating by using my jewelry boxes as rafts, I arrive home from New Jersey to a steam room. It’s about 400 degrees, my mirrors are fogged over, and my pores are like WOW! Scalding water still running into the tub, yep. Calming sounds of Niagara falls, yep. This best be fixed tomorrow.

Monday

11AM

Mediocre can’t get into my apartment. The key isn’t working. I have to go all the way home to let him in. He’s just downgraded himself to Okay.

5PM

My shower is fixed!! Okay is waiting for one tenant to come home so he can turn the water back on. He explains why this is, I hear something about flood, but tune out.

8:30 PM

What sounds like elephants are barreling up my stairs. Loud banging on an apartment door on my floor, followed by louder pounding and the words “Fire department.” Why don’t I see this ending well? I peek out my door to find 5 firemen, one of them extremely hot, BREAKING DOWN my neighbor’s door. Please read that previous sentence again, you know you want to. There is a flood in his apartment, he isn’t home, so they obliterate his door and bust in. Nobody can get in touch with Okay, who isn’t doing himself any favors and is now more like “craptastically shitty”. There is about 4 inches of water on my neighbor’s floor. Water is dripping from the second floor down into the first floor apartments and the basement through the ceiling and the light fixtures. The carpet in the entryway is like a swamp and is sure to very soon smell like mildew surprise. My hot fireman leaves for more important things like fighting fires and rescuing kittens stuck in trees, and the rest of us stare dumbfounded at the wild water kingdom our building has become. Why did this happen? Is this all my fault? (At least my apartment is nice and dry). I started the chain of events that caused this by breaking my shower. Why me? Cue the “everybody hates Jessica” music...