Posting from the RTW archives

It's that time of year again. I have to admit, this year, I kinda didn't really think about anyone but myself. Hey... the first step is admitting it! I haven't seen my super all year, so it never occurred to me to give him cash. I probably should have given something to my trainer Oscar, but no offense, he makes me go completely out of my way to meet with him... and I'm the client. I have tried to finagle my way out of the holiday tips many times... I think in 2004, I definitely had the most creative idea though...

Volume CXCVII - Tis the Season

People who are nice all the time scare me. How is it possible to be happy and cheery 24/7? It's not, unless you live in a bubble or you're being totally fake. Why can't they just be moody and get cranky like the rest of us for Christ's sake! But people who are only nice with ulterior motives, those are the ones you really have to watch out for. So I started to wonder the other night why my doorman Adam, who doesn't even know my name, always makes me miss the elevator because he's trying to give me my roomate's dry cleaning when it's not there because she already took it, and probably just knows me as the quick change girl who comes in at 7:00PM and leaves for the gym at 7:03PM... started being overly friendly to me on November 30th. Then it hit me. For all the times I've opened the door for myself this year, all the times he's called up to my apartment and spoken so incoherently with his stupid accent that I just say "ok" and he sends up strangers... NOW it's time to smile and pretend he's special for 25 days. Every year at this time I am painfully reminded that it is not PC to be an el cheapo grinch. I have to be in the giving spirit if it kills me, or rather I have to give... screw the spirit. I HAVE to tip the doormen and other random strange men that roam my building claiming they do some kind of work there... for hypothetically saving me from the rapists that chase me home every night and signing for my 2 fed ex packages a year, but I don't have to enjoy it...
Then one day while I was on the subway, I heard a man begging for money. He claimed he was homeless and a veteran, anything we could give would be helpful. He wasn't one of those offensive bums who pretended they were blind or smelled like a barn... so I thought hmmm, maybe this year I will give to those less fortunate than me instead. Wouldn't that be really nice of me? A humongous mitzvah! My serotonin levels will go through the roof! To hell with the doormen, they are not less fortunate... they probably make more money at Christmas then I do for the entire month of December. Besides, the doormen expect like 50 bucks each, a bum... would be thrilled to get even a nice crisp $5, it's just simple economics. Or maybe I could somehow combine those two ideas into one really great super idea! I could give money to the bums and in the holiday cards to the doormen, print up some fancy thing saying I made a donation in their name to the "Sponsor a Subway Bum" foundation. It's just like the Boys and Girls Club, only... different. Could someone really be offended that I did a good deed to help others in their honor? At holiday time? Feed the birds, tuppence the bag? What do you think?? I think they'll be quite pleased!... to never see me again...

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