A new kind of neighborhood watch

When they say we live in the information age, they ain’t kidding. People really have no privacy anymore. Just Friday I went to a Tasti-D-Lite by work with my co-worker and when I walked in, I saw a sign that said “smile you’re on camera.” I am being watched in Tasti-D-Lite? Is that really necessary? Doesn’t that seem a bit excessive? Merely knowing that totally scared me crapless and sincerely deterred me from sticking my hand in the candy bin and sneaking pilfered gummy worms. Next thing I knew that video would be on YouTube, I’d be fired and arrested for petty theft of fruity gummied candies in a fake ice cream establishment, and my record would be posted on CriminalSearches.com. There goes the neighborhood...

I bet you didn’t know, but on this fabulously informative site, you can put in your address and pull up all of your neighbors with criminal records. Who could resist that temptation? Certainly not I. So while I ate my Tasti-D, I put in my parent’s address to see what kind of neighborhood they chose for me to grow up in. Apparently a behavioral offender (and the site reveals his full name, which is truly helpful so when he’s behaving badly I can scold him properly?) lives at the end of my street and a couple of people who are listed as having multiple crimes live in surrounding neighborhoods. I am elated that this information is so readily available to me on the internet. I feel so much safer now that I know. I’ve always wanted a big brother...