Posting from the RTW archives

If you haven't already seen the new Batman flick, you must. Go now. It was awesome. And I fully contend that the next movie should have the Penguin in it. Penguins are psychotic.

I have never met Batman, but I did have a really fun encounter with a bat 5 years ago...

Volume CXXVII - Who's on First, but I'm up to Bat

As if moving day wasn’t exciting enough with our white trash moving aficionados, one who looked remarkably like Jesus, another who kept asking when the first party was (um yea lemme think… not invited…) and the one who after repeatedly being told that Lisa went to college in Atlanta, kept asking me if I was from “out there” too (I’d hardly refer to Atlanta as “out there”, maybe try down there?). I get back to my parents house (how nice does that sound… parents house… …) and all I want to do is put my feet up and relax. I pop in the All My Children video and begin to sift through the remnants of the Sunday paper, am cutting out coupons for Dawn and Cascade (ok I’m either really poor or 80 years old…) when all of a sudden I see something fly into the room and back out. Now, it’s been a very long day (although I don’t recall taking any drugs, maybe I did and I forgot…). I had three cups of coffee and thought the moving man was Jesus…maybe I’m just delirious… Yes, delirious… totally hallucinating… then I see it again. (Ok NOT hallucinating there is a large thing flying around my house). Exactly on cue I freak. My parents are stuck in South Carolina because all flights were cancelled so it’s just me, Smokey, coupons and something that is definitely not supposed to be in my house… and it has wings. What to do? I’m 23, I’m a big girl (who's watching tv with a stuffed animal...), maybe it’s a bird… Don't panic, remain calm... I’ll just open the door to the garage and will it through osmosis to fly out there, shut the door, open the garage door and it’ll fly out… (fly out, fly out I say… please???). Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be working as well as planned, so I call my Dad and start to hysterically cry (because that solves everything!). He thinks I’m joking (does this sound like someone who is JOKING???) Meanwhile I am screaming into the phone as the flying thing crashes into something in my house and ends up crawling along the floor (uh definitely not a bird)… there is a bat in my house (and my screaming has screwed up its sonar). My father’s solution is to go to Lisa’s… (itsy bitsy problem… one I have no shoes on and it’s raining out, two my car keys are upstairs and I am not leaving the spot where I am because I have no idea where the bat is but I know for sure it’s not in here anymore…) He tells me to call the police (and why he has the precinct number memorized is a question for another day…). The dispatcher calls animal control… (k, great, good, fine). I refuse to sit and wait for it to fly back in and attack me so I grab Smokey and 4 phones and proceed into the garage to sit and wait for them to rescue me…
It’s now been like 45 minutes of me (wearing no shoes), my stuffed cat and every piece of telecommunications equipment in my house trying to find stuff to amuse myself with in the garage (oooh a rake, fun). Finally the animal lady calls and informs me she can’t come unless I see the bat (make no mistake about it, I saw it) because when it’s flying around it looks huge but it’s really not (oh no lady, it was huge, it was SO big, and I wish I wasn’t talking about a bat right now…) She wants me to try and contain it in one room (yea you have a better chance of seeing God than me going back in that house and chasing around a flying rodent). If I get a neighbor though, we can go in together and close some doors to rule out where the bat could be. This seems to be my only option of returning to my house anytime soon, but I’m not wearing any shoes! My only choices in the garage are my mom’s snow boots or roller blades (yes folks, I wore shorts and snow boots… it was quite a sight). I proceed next door to the Weiner’s (funny that I’m acting like a weinee and I have to solicit help from someone named Weiner…). He gets hats and a broom and we go searching for the bat like an episode of the crocodile hunter (aw krieke I think I’ve spotted the sucker, we’ll sneak up behind it…). We stare blankly at it for a half hour while the animal lady takes her sweet time getting to my house (what are you freeing raccoons and mending fawns legs, get your ass over here!). Takes it upon herself to give me a lesson about bats, there are only two kinds, small brown bat and large brown bat, looks like mine (why is it mine? I have in no way claimed the bat…) is a large brown bat (I don’t care if it’s a bird or a plane, get it out of my house!) Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, or George Clooney I’ll take, bat without the man… I’m gonna have to pass…

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