I lost my balls

That fine specimen of man that you see above... Cameron Mathison from All My Children, just walked out of the elevator in my office building and 2 feet past me while I waited in the lobby. O.M.G. I honestly think I have an arrhythmia, since my heart literally stopped when the elevator door opened, my eyes got really wide and my jaw hit the floor, as I stood there in complete shock unable to speak or move. SWOON.

WHY AM I SUCH A LOSER??? I should have totally talked to him! Any of the following not at all making me look crazy conversations could have ensued:

- Wow are you Cameron Mathison?... I love you... would you mind taking your shirt off
- Hi! You're Cameron Mathison from All My Children right? I've watched since I was 17...
- Cameron Mathison... YOU ARE HOT.
- Hiiiiiii, will you take a picture with me?? My crackberry has incredible zoom.
- Cameron, wait for me... (as I chase him down the street)

I think I am still a little shell shocked from this encounter. Dood if I was drunk, I totally would have talked to him! Why wasn't I drunk at 9:30 am...

Paltrow pics

Yes, that is Gwyneth Paltrow. She was at Bloomingdales last night with Elizabeth Hurley and some other chicks signing perfume bottles. My co-worker and I went to see them.

"It was a mob scene. I wanted to kill myself because they were so beautiful," one shopper in line named Carol told NY Mag.

I wouldn't go THAT far lady. Not sure where the mob was, because we were actually pretty close. Close enough to see Gwynnie's big ole biznatch scowl face. Would it kill you to smile?? Oh wow, that's what weirdos on the street usually say to me...

I have no idea who that guy in the bottom left is, however I am seriously impressed with my crackberry's photo zoom capabilities. Next we figure out how to FOCUS...

Carbon copy convo

My friend Marisa and I were out the other night discussing the number of women in the city who were most likely having the exact same conversation we were having at that exact moment. It’s easy to think you’re the only one having a bad day, week, month, life... But apparently you are not alone. Someone probably as close as the table next to you is having a carbon copy convo. In fact, chances are she’s talking about the exact same guy! Ok well maybe not, but then again... Maybe. Stranger things have happened.

I didn’t truly believe this phenomenon to be true until I was on the bus the very next morning and the woman sitting behind me was on her cell phone. Now, I could only hear one side of the conversation and half the time she was speaking Spanish, but trust me it was pretty clear. All I heard were the phrases “I have wasted so much time”, “this is enough, enough already, enough already, enough already”, “he doesn’t see it that way”, and “so that’s the story”... And I was like yeppers, I know what you’re talkin bout sista. I sat there smiling, not at her misfortune but at the irony of the situation, thinking about how cool it would be if the next time I have that exact same conversation, I was able to speak half of it in another language! That is definitely one thing I can say I have never done before, bitched in half English/half Spanish... I need to get movin on that.

Roger and Me

Keeping up with the foundation of randomness that this blog was started on, I have decided as of yesterday that I am now in lust with Roger Federer (rer rer rer). Yes, that skank you see pictured with him, is in fact his girlfriend, but honestly... her name is Mirka. Mirka Vavrinec. Really? Mirka? Mirka Schmirka.

I think Rog should check out what I'm servin up instead. Clearly he needs a new muse to break out of his losing streak as of late. I haven't played tennis in a while, but I'm REALLY good at ping pong aka table TENNIS! We would be so cute together, don't lie. I am so stalking him at the US Open this year.

oh and by the way... if they are selling this sweater at nike.com, I will own it. It's trimmed in "winner gold" ...

Making my Ques-o (ugh I know, so cheesy...)

My old college friend and I had a very strange ritual. Almost religiously we would go to Taco Bell at the food court in Carousel Mall. We would get soft tacos (hers supreme, mine not), and carefully use our Spork (yes that's a spoon/fork combination) to remove all of the meat. Then we'd use about five mild sauces for each taco, and presto... gourmet meal for $3. I kid you not when I tell you we went like 5 times a week. Now, she started this ritual and I just followed along, so I usually let her field all of the questions that undoubtedly arose from friend's who came with us before realizing what they were getting themselves into. Questions like, "why don't you just ask for the tacos without the meat?" And she would say, "because I like the meat flavor." Hey, works for me.

Ever since I've graduated, my brother and I have tried to uphold the ritual. It'd been a while since we'd gone, so we went the other night. I ordered 2 soft tacos and 1 steak soft taco, got my Spork and 100 mild sauces, and settled in to start the de-meating spectacle. However when I got to my last taco, I saw no steak. Que el fucko? I decided to go complain, since the steak was a whole 70 cents more and I actually planned on eating it. It ran through my mind that they may not believe me, although they don’t seem to hire the sharpest tools in the shed at the Bell. How could I prove that I hadn't already eaten the steak one? And then I glanced over at my tray, which displayed the remnants of my already eaten 2 soft tacos, ie, 2 piles of chopped meat, that my brother promptly picked up and said “if it please the court, I’d like to enter into evidence exhibits A & B...” I knew that ritual would come in handy one day...

Don't scratch the itch

Sometimes it sucks working in health care. Like the fact that I know health care is two words, that’s not so bad, but knowing the intricacies and risks associated with disease states and procedures... In the case of this, often times knowledge is not power, it’s paranoia. By far the worst offender of this for everyone else who doesn’t work in health care, is the internet. If you think you have a medical issue, never go on the internet to self diagnose. It is a virtual mine field of ridiculous associations which can turn even the simplest most benign problem into some kind of rare fatal disease. For example, you have a nose bleed because you stuck your finger up there, but WebMD says you have the bubonic plague.

I remember a couple years ago, I couldn’t sleep because my skin was so itchy I wanted to rip it off. I practically used an entire bottle of moisturizer, but nothing worked. Maybe I had an allergic reaction to something? Maybe I should take an antihistamine? Maybe I have Eczema? So off to the internet I went to find out what was wrong with me. I Googled chronic skin itch and found myself at the MayoClinic.com. Causes of chronic itchy skin include: psoriasis, scabies, lice, hives, or assorted internal diseases such as liver disease, kidney failure, leukemia and lymphomas. Oh my God I have liver disease...

Coined new word of the day

Fabulosity (fb'yŏŏ-läs'ĭ-tē)
Adj.
The envied after state of being totally fabulous.

Example: If the world can't figure out how to deal with my fabulosity... I really can't see how that is my fault.

Posting from the RTW archives

My credit card bill for last month came yesterday. Let's just say it wasn't pretty. Everyone at work wondered how it was possible for me to come in everyday wearing a new dress... well, there's your answer. Based on this, I have encountered a very important decision. I either need to stop shopping, or stop eating. Let the hunger strike begin! And here's why (although at least my office has moved since then)...



Volume CCXXI - Buyer Beware

My office could not be in a worse location. I basically work in a mall. Every store you can think of is within a 5 block radius. The shopping gods just sit around all day dangling carrots in front of me and laughing hysterically, more like cackling, at how pathetic I am. But if I've told you once, I've told you a million times... when shopping is in your blood, i.e. when you're a female, there is no way to flush it out. I read the other day in Cosmo, and no I don't read it often, about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and how he basically emotionally cheated on Jen Aniston. Even if he didn't physically commit any kind of adultery, he at least thought about it and therefore he screwed up. Wow. If the same philosophy applies to shopping, then I'm in big trouble. Instead of adultery, I'll call it "shoppery". Making numerous purchases over a prolonged period of time, or in other words being a chronic shopper-er would be equal to having a passionate long lasting affair. However purchases here and there are more like interspersed one night stands... still wrong, but not like a full out affair. Trying something on but not making an actual purchase is equivalent to going home with someone, realizing your mistake and leaving before you consummate it. Going into a store, touching things and checking price tags is on par with excessive overt groping and flirting. And the least offensive forms of "shoppery" are window shopping or shopping off of strangers attire. This is basically emotional "shoppery"... not wrong per say, but probably not a good idea if you are weak or a prior shopper-er with mutliple "shoppery" infractions...
They say men are genetically programmed to cheat, well then women are genetically programmed to shop. I'd say on average I commit emotional "shoppery" 15-20 times a day. I don't care if you're broke, walking down the street, watching tv, or at a funeral, when you're a shopper-er, you're a shopper-er all the way from your first cigarette til your last dying day. Don't you hate when I just break into song for no reason? Your mind is always seeing things you like and therefore committing "shoppery". Even when it's for nobody in particular. Case in point: everyday I walk past Banana Republic Men on my way to work. I am not a man, yet for some reason I still find myself committing window "shoppery". Why can't I seem to control myself even around men's clothes? They had one brown button down and one maroon button down in the window that I was totally crushing on. Every time I walked past them, I couldn't help thinking how hot they looked. Is that normal!? At least that is relatively harmless though since I have no reason to be tempted to take it any further. It's way worse when it's a women's clothing store. Last week in the window of Esprit was this drool inducing, to die for white eyelet blazer. I saw it everyday. I know the way it was looking at me. It was laying it on thick. But I kept it in check and the first few times I only committed window "shoppery". Until one day I could no longer stand it. I went inside and felt it up. The second I touched the price tag I knew it was a mistake. It would be way too costly to take it any further. I'm sorry baby, but I love my bank account way too much and the statement is one unforgiving SOB... I need to curb my shopper-er ways...

RTW © 2005

Jesus, take the wheel

Honesty is the best policy, so I will have to admit to you guys that I have a HUGE girl crush on Carrie Underwood. Does she have to be so hot and blonde and such an amazing singer? I may re-think the amount of blonde I import into my hair Thursday night, if it's really true that they have more fun... Can't I just be her?

Wow I feel like Kelly Taylor's psycho stalker girl. If I start telling people I'm from Oklahoma, be scared.

No son of mine

Over the last couple of weeks I have seen a trend developing at my office. People have been bringing their kids in a lot lately. I can’t tell you how many kids I’ve met in the last month. This one’s baby, that one’s son. They are cute, and they follow their parents around the office and everyone oohs and aahs and offers them toys to play with (I have like 5 stuffed animals and Gumby and Pokey on my desk, yet no kids seem to want to play with my toys, but whatever I’m not offended). However today, when the 800th kid came in, I sorta felt left out of the trend. Seriously, one day I’m just going to bring a random kid in here and make him follow me around all day.

Scenario one:
Jessica is that your son?
Oh you guys didn’t know I have like 5 bastard children?

Scenario two:
Jessica is that your son?
Oh him? I just found him downstairs.

Don’t lie, that would be pretty damn funny. I am so doing that next week.

Don't rain on my parade

Adventure Initiative '08 has kicked into high gear! Ok fine, so we didn't go to the Gay Pride Parade dressed as Cher, however we did sport awesome rainbow leis. I speak the truth when I tell you that we both literally got leid by a black guy on the street. Oh yes. Now I can't speak for Katie, but seriously best lei I've had in a while.

Then during our rain delay, we met this lovely woman (see above) in Starbucks. She? went dressed as a shiny peacock. God I love New York City.

The only drawback was that I didn't see a "I love Spicy Tuna" shirt this year. We did however see a woman riding her Harley wearing a shirt that said Dyke (with an arrow pointing up) and Bike (with an arrow pointing down). I wonder if she got that at Urban Outfitters...

Top Ten

It's a little small (no pun intended) in the photo so allow me to repeat it...
Athletes popping Viagra for an extra boost

With the summer Olympic games coming up soon, here are the Top Ten reasons this is a great headline.

10) Men gymnasts in spandex
9) No shrinkage in the pool in those banana hammocks
8) Wrestling just got a little bit more interesting
7) Isn’t cycling awkward enough for men already?
6) Marathoners with 4 hour erections
5) Wikipedia says there’s an event called Handball, and I will definitely be watching that
4) The equestrian events just took on a whole new meaning of competition
3) Two words: Pole Vault
2) I now know why they’re called the USA Dream Team

And the number one reason why this is a great headline...

1) Are they adding a new event?! And can I meet the gold medalist?

Full Metal Jacket

A couple weeks ago, a co-worker and I were discussing the rise in autism rates and what we thought may be responsible for the spike in diagnoses in recent years. Is it environmental? Causal? Simply due to the medical community being able to recognize the symptoms and categorize it more easily? You are definitely wondering where this is going and why I am being all quasi-intellectual all of a sudden, but during the course of our debate, she brought up that someone she knows has a similar theory on breast cancer rates. If you think about it, were there as many breast cancer cases back in the 40’s or 50’s? Doesn’t it seem like it is much more prevalent now? The theory is, since more women have joined the workforce (yay feminist movement!), all we do is sit in front of computers all day long. And what just happens to be at about the same level as the monitor? The ta-ta’s...

Now, I’m sure computer monitor technology has come a long way recently and I’d hope microwave rays aren’t zapping my rack all day long, but hearing this theory gave me a second of pause. Very interesting indeed. I sit in front of a computer all day long, so should I wear to work everyday one of those lead vests that the dentist puts on me when I get x-rays? Where can I even get one of those puppies? Excuse me, Dr. Patel (and yes, my dentist’s name is Dr. Patel, and interestingly enough, so was the dentist I went to before him who’s practice he took over... Hey at least he didn’t have to get new signs made) where can I purchase a lead vest like the one you have here? Do you have any extras I could maybe, borrow? Or I could start my own line of lead bras. Our slogan could be “they may be heavy as hell, but at least the ladies are protected well.” Imagine how much fun it’d be trying to hook up wearing a lead bra. It’s all fun and games til someone gets a black eye...

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

Time to bring back an old favorite! As the post from Friday February 25, 2005 says...

I don’t care if Monday’s blue,
Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too,
Thursday I don’t care about you...
It’s Friday I’m in love!

Here's how it works... fill in the missing song lyrics and you get a prize! I haven't figured out what the prize is just yet... but bear with me.



I wish I woulda known, I wish I coulda called you just to say goodbye ______ _______

Because maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, ______ __ _______ ____

Everybody sing, everybody dance. Lose yourself in wild romance, we’re going to ______, _______, _________

Work angels

I saw an ad, on the side of a bus mind you, for this new TV show and immediately thought... HOW DO I GET MY OFFICE ON THIS SHOW. We would SO win. Today we practiced our act with a little Jon Secada.



Lauren: now I am listening to Angel
Lauren: i danced with Anthony Caldanodo
Lauren: to this song at the 8th grade dance
Lauren: FACE THE TRUTH
Lauren: and baby IIIIIIIIIIIII
Lauren: SHINE SHINE SHINE
Lauren: like an angel
Jess: the spirit that won't... let me go
Jess: LET GO OF MY HEART

16 bar musical interlude....

(and yes we sang into our pens, held up our phones, and swayed)

The best tour in the city

Last summer my friend Katie and I kicked off our Adventure Initiative. The Adventure Initiative consists of touristy type activities, or just fun and new things we’ve never done before in New York. Adventure Initiative ‘07 included walking across the Brooklyn Bridge (god my feet hurt), going to Coney Island (I thought I was going to die on the Cyclone), and hitting up the famous Ferrara’s bakery in Little Italy (2 words, Carrot Cake). 2 weekends ago we kicked off Adventure Initiative ‘08 with the proposed activities to include the gay pride parade (this weekend!!), riding the Staten Island ferry, going to the Original Gray’s Papaya location, and one of those classic NYC touristy bus tours. However I was stunned and appalled to learn that those stupid bus tours are insanely expensive. The cheapest tour is $39. Man, those tourists are getting ripped off. I can look out the window and see the Empire State Building while riding the MTA bus for $2. There is also a Sex and the City bus tour, again $40, where according to the website you can “follow in the footsteps of Carrie & Co. as they conquer New York City! Drink where they drink, shop where they shop, and gossip where they gossip.” And why is any of this worth 40 bills?...

I think for Adventure Initiative’08 Katie and I should start our own tour. It will be called the I f*$%ing hate him tour. On this long, yet very liberating walking tour, we shall visit all of those places we frequented with ex-boyfriends and other assorted losers we hung out with. All the places we probably loved, however still to this day cannot stomach the thought of, and may walk avenues out of our way to avoid, because of the bad JuJu. And when we arrive at each place, we will say... “this is Banc Café, I went here for brunch with Tom (names have been changed to protect the overwhelmingly moronic), I f*$%ing hate him.” You are all invited to submit your locations and book your tour with us today. Even if we charged you half of what the bus tours charge, it’d still be less money than an hour of therapy and SO much more freeing...

Posting from the RTW archives

In honor of my coffee cart man taking a couple weeks off, (I thought he said he was leaving forever, but I guess I heard wrong... or didn't listen) I am posting my ode to coffee cart guys everywhere.

Volume CCXXIV - Coffee Cake

One of my favorite commercials, besides the AARP one where the little Asian man clones himself and then comes to serve his wife breakfast in bed while he also happens to be lying next to her... is the AOL one in which a happy customer brings cake by the office to thank them for their good work. Nothing is nearly as funny as when said Asian man wakes his wife up by calling her "sleepy-do" and she freaks out upon seeing both of him and screams "PING? PING?". But anyway, the notable part of the cake commercial is when some random woman rolls out of her office cubicle on her desk chair and says "I smell cake." Yes I'd probably scream too if I saw two of any of my friends, but that cake chick... that is so me. I can sniff out cake a mile away. I love cake. Who doesn't love cake? At my old job I used to look forward to people's last days/birthdays because that was when we had cake. It's really difficult to care about any of your troubles when there's a wad of sweet frosting in your mouth. That sounded a litle gross, I know this. But cake is what it's all about. Cake rocks! Why else would we have it at every celebratory event? Ahh bet you never thought about that before! Cake brings people together. It's a universal unifier. And just in case you were wondering, which you probably weren't... Some girls like jewelry, I like cake. Cake is the way to my heart and apparently it's no longer a secret...

I've become a nicer and calmer person since I don't have to commute to New Jersey for work anymore. Notice I didn't say "much" nicer and calmer. This has mainly translated into me not screaming obscenities at "street standers" who see fit to call me "mommie" at 6AM while I'm wearing a sweatband in my hair, and my budding relationship with the coffee cart man. Let it be known that I have turned over a new leaf. No longer do I see fit to go through life filled with unnecessary anger or rage. Why be rude and standoffish when you can instead be friendly and smiley? That is my newly adopted morning philosophy... pertaining to mostly everyone. Except anyone who calls me "mommie"... all deals are off on that. But why not be friendly to the coffee cart man? Every day I get my coffee, cream and two equals and a raisin bagel with butter. Same guy, same time. Then one day I noticed that he had memorized my order, not that it's a difficult thing to do. Along with this, also came him calling me sweetie, and occasionally having my stuff ready and waiting for me. Clearly I have acquired a coffee cart boyfriend. I really was touched, really I was. Coffee cart love is hard to come by. We have a very special coffee cart relationship. A few weeks into our coffee cart courting he slipped free cake into my bag, that sneaky devil! Which I hate to tell you, but according to a friend of mine, free cake means things in other cultures that I'm not comfortable describing to you. How did he know I liked cake!? Am I his only coffee cart girlfriend? I don't know how I feel about this. Then the other day it was a free cruller, a LOVE cruller, a cruller of LOVE, the ultimate sign of affection... and he asked me what I was doing this weekend. Whoa back it right up cruller boy! Did I just get asked out by the coffee cart man? I think I did. Yes, I definitely did. He is wooing me with his confectionary delights. I wonder... if we got married, would I own half of the coffee cart business? That's a lot of cake you know...

RTW © 2005

Well Played

Guess who got her Blackberry one week early? Booya! Yes kids, that is how the game is played. I think I'm in love...

Bitten by the Bargain Bug

My favorite thing to do when I go home for the weekend, besides drive around aimlessly because I love and miss driving, is go to Target. Greatest store ever. In fact, there is one in my area that is literally called Target: Greatland, as in the Land of Great. I don’t know why it is, but no matter how much money I earn, I still can’t resist a good day of bargain hunting. Of course I like nice things too, doesn’t everyone? Like the $90 Polo shirt I had to have because it has a big pony on it. My co-worker had it on the other day and I totally coveted. $90 for a shirt? Do you know how many stupid tank tops from Old Navy I could have for $90?? When you put it that way, it really does seem a little excessive. However the old adage happens to sometimes be true... You get what you pay for.

My dad reminded me of a fun little story that proves my point. Last year Sarah Jessica Parker came out with her own clothing line, Bitten. It is only sold at Steve and Barry’s. What is a Steve and Barry’s? Is that a store? Alas, it is and I located one in the Manhattan Mall. It is a cheap clothing bonanza. Everything in her line is less than $20. How is this possible you ask? I will tell you how, because it is crap.

I purchased a green bikini last summer. Wore it to the beach once and to my friend’s pool once. Washed it. When I went to wear it again... I saw that parts of it were now a lovely shade of blue. It changed color. It is either the coolest hyper-color bikini from the late 80’s, some kind of tye-dye do it yourself experiment, or a ginormous piece of crap. How can you sell a bathing suit that changes color in the sun or chlorine? That’s like selling an umbrella that disintegrates when it gets wet. Completely nonsensical. I want my $20 back.

RIP George Carlin

Completely devastating. Carlin is a god. The world just got a little bit less funny. Here are some of his "New rules for 2008"



GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

I love my friends

Katie: i'm watching LOST right now as i talk to u
Katie: ooh just watched a bone being set
Katie: i had that happen to me
Jess: owwwch
Katie: yea it kills
Katie: i had it done without anesthetic too
Jess: ok James Frey (eds. note: which is funnier because Katie and I saw him in Barnes and Noble last weekend)
Jess: WHATEVER
Katie: HAHA
Katie: i was 7
Katie: i didnt want the shot in my tush
Katie: the doctor was a boy
Katie: i was embarrassed
Katie: so i said no shot
Jess: u wouldn't pull ur pants down in front of a boy...
Katie: haha
Jess: how much has changed...!
Katie: oh how times have changed!

Countdown to Curve

11 days. Me wanty like nobody's business. This is going to be a very long 11 days. I mean really, it's only a week from Monday. I WANT IT NOW. Yep, I'm a big brat.

Break me off a piece of that

I have to tell you. Just because I don’t write about “these things” that happen to me anymore, sadly does not translate into them not happening. They still happen. See below for proof...

Saturday

10AM

I break the shower. While attempting to turn off the hot water, Muscles McGee (yes I mean me, coincidentally they used to call me Boobs McGee in college... I guess now I am her big brother, at least I’m keepin it in the family), breaks the knob which now seems to spin around towards off, yet never actually get there. Awesome. Hot water pouring non-stop into the tub. Now would be a great time to call my super.

12PM

He can’t fix it until Monday because he has to shut the water off for the whole building. No other option but to leave it. I’m certainly not going to sit around and stare at it. The super, who no offense is acting more like mediocre than super, assures me that it won’t overflow. So off I go to enjoy my day.

5PM

There is an overnight bag in my apartment that I need to pick up so that I can go to New Jersey for Father’s Day. I am in the 77th street subway station, staring up the stairs in horror at the torrential downpour and my serious lack of an umbrella. Did I anger the water gods somehow? 40 minutes of standing under an awning later, I make my way to see if my tub has overflowed.

5:30PM

Water still flowing into tub, check. Scalding hot, check. Anything I can do, nope.

Sunday

8PM

After having vivid daydreams of my apartment completely under water, my stuffed animals floating by using my jewelry boxes as rafts, I arrive home from New Jersey to a steam room. It’s about 400 degrees, my mirrors are fogged over, and my pores are like WOW! Scalding water still running into the tub, yep. Calming sounds of Niagara falls, yep. This best be fixed tomorrow.

Monday

11AM

Mediocre can’t get into my apartment. The key isn’t working. I have to go all the way home to let him in. He’s just downgraded himself to Okay.

5PM

My shower is fixed!! Okay is waiting for one tenant to come home so he can turn the water back on. He explains why this is, I hear something about flood, but tune out.

8:30 PM

What sounds like elephants are barreling up my stairs. Loud banging on an apartment door on my floor, followed by louder pounding and the words “Fire department.” Why don’t I see this ending well? I peek out my door to find 5 firemen, one of them extremely hot, BREAKING DOWN my neighbor’s door. Please read that previous sentence again, you know you want to. There is a flood in his apartment, he isn’t home, so they obliterate his door and bust in. Nobody can get in touch with Okay, who isn’t doing himself any favors and is now more like “craptastically shitty”. There is about 4 inches of water on my neighbor’s floor. Water is dripping from the second floor down into the first floor apartments and the basement through the ceiling and the light fixtures. The carpet in the entryway is like a swamp and is sure to very soon smell like mildew surprise. My hot fireman leaves for more important things like fighting fires and rescuing kittens stuck in trees, and the rest of us stare dumbfounded at the wild water kingdom our building has become. Why did this happen? Is this all my fault? (At least my apartment is nice and dry). I started the chain of events that caused this by breaking my shower. Why me? Cue the “everybody hates Jessica” music...

What's really left that won't kill you?

Skimming the paper today I came across an article claiming that vinyl shower liners emit some kind of chemical that can cause liver damage. Luckily I use a nylon shower liner, however it is pretty ridiculous when you can't even take a shower without slowly killing yourself. Might as well just tempt fate and spend an ideal day doing the following:

Going to the beach and laying out tanning,
Supersizing your fast food order for lunch,
Washing that down with an entire bottle of Jack Daniels,
Smoking a pack of cigarettes and talking on your cell phone while there,
and taking a shower when you get home.

If you manage to live through that whole day, you are apparently bionic. If the skin cancer, cholesterol, liver failure, lung cancer, or brain cancer don't get ya... the shower will!

RIP Tim

He was “one of the premier political journalists and analysts of his time,” Tom Brokaw, the former longtime anchor of “NBC Nightly News,” said in announcing Russert’s death. “This news division will not be the same without his strong, clear voice.”

Don't know what to say. Shocked and saddened.

Tim Russert
1950-2008

Will somebody please save the damn pandas?

Today show, we need to chat. The giant panda segment this morning... Totally not ok. I have to tell you that I find it all kinds of wrong to talk about pandas DYING in the earthquake in China, while I’m trying to get ready for work. I sat there balling my eyes out while you flashed images of them being buried in shipping crates, and talked about how there were only 1,600 of them left on the entire planet. I felt so helpless, tears streaming down my face, contemplating ways to help repopulate the panda species instead of getting dressed. Are there panda aphrodisiacs? PandaDate.com? What else was there really to do besides cry? Poor pandas... all fluffy and black and white!!! God I hate being a girl...

Posting from the RTW archives

One of our newest segments will include dustin off the old RTW archives. As requested by Julia, here's a goody from 2004. Enjoy. and P.S. the parade this year is on June 29, and Katie and I are fully attending... dressed as Cher.

Volume CLXXIII - What's a Day without a Little Gay

I love my girlfriends and wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world (not even to be married to Josh Duhamel, but I straddled the fence on that one for a while, sorry girls…). Even though most girls are petty and juvenile when it comes to friends, there are a select few that will love you unconditionally and always be there for you no matter what. I finally think at this point in my life, I have weeded through all the bad apples and surrounded myself with the cream of the crop. Who else would listen to my overly dramatic stories, dry my crocodile tears, let me email them pictures of the Beagle named Skippy I found on petfinder.com (and all the names I would call him like skippy head, skipper face, skipster and skips malips), put up with my constant barrage of (what I like to think is cutesy) complaining and blown out of proportion emergencies and stick me right back in my place but love me anyway? Nobody but your true friends. However, I feel like something is missing from my life (besides a really large trust
fund and a guest appearance on Law and Order SVU...) and I think I know what it is… I need a gay mentor. I’ve got guy friends, but they cannot fill this void, only a gay mentor can. I’m talking about a guy who can explain guys, complain about them, and go looking for them with me at the same time, tell me not to wear that terry cloth dress because it makes me look preggers, and snuggle up on the couch next to me on a rainy Friday night watching “Steel Magnolias”, eating cheese doodles and crying. Yes you heard me correctly, I am shopping for a gay mentor. A HOT gay mentor… now where do I find one?... Chelsea?... or wait, here’s a better idea…
My friend Katie and I decided to walk from my apartment to Bleeker Street (which for you non-NYers, I’ll let you know is quite a schlep) one Sunday afternoon. Why? We wanted cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery (god we are such girls…). When we finally got down there, she realizes it’s on the west side (we’re on the east), so we begin to walk across town. Only we are suddenly encountering a growing number of people wearing rainbow attire or not much attire at all. Both of us are in stunned silence as we reach the conclusion we have come face to face with the gay pride parade in the west village (and not only is it completely blocking our path to cupcake land, but we totally do not belong). We stuck out like sore thumbs (like white people at a viewing of “Soul Plane” in Harlem) and everyone was staring at us (I should have just grabbed Katie’s hand so we'd blend in…). I was this close to a transvestite (it had boobs and it definitely was NOT a woman), when we decided we absolutely had to escape. We were desperately trying not to draw attention to ourselves (while walking through tons of sweaty half naked men giving each other piggy backs) in our little skirts and Louis Vuitton bags, but the woman walking behind me was holding her shopping bag out in front of her and it kept rubbing up against my ass (forcing me to turn around constantly to make sure she wasn’t molesting me…). Finally we locate a cop and beg him to direct us out of this mess to the bakery, but he tells our horrified faces we have to go back the way we came and wait for a break in the parade to cross.... (we have to back there again??). We also didn’t realize how far up 5th avenue the parade extended, and unknowingly went back a third time on the walk home (and saw a Latina lesbian wearing a shirt that said “spicy tuna”… highlight of my day hands down). Meanwhile poor Katie, who had to take a train home from Penn Station, went to the gay pride parade four times in one day… now that, is pride… my gay mentor will be so proud…

RTW © 2004

Takin care of some biznass...

This facebook application for blogging would be insanely cooler if it allowed me to upload photos. It would even be minorly cooler if it allowed me to maybe use color?? However as we know all too well, we don't always get what we want. Therefore, uncool posts to the blog will go through here, and cool posts with photos clearly won't. That is why I would suggest, if linking to the blog through facebook, when you arrive click June under the "blog archive" to see all posts, cool and uncool. Or you could just not read any of it at all, but that would be even more uncool... of you.

A sample of what could be to come

I went to a sample sale at lunch. Not shockingly there was a huge line, however, my co-workers mom happens to work in the area, got on the line for us and was right at the front as we ran over. Take a guess how many people on the line wanted to murder us. Sorry ladies, it’s a sample sale. Being bitchy is not only expected, its practically demanded.

Today’s sample was Tory Burch. I’m sure you have seen the shoes. They’re the plain flats everyone has, but because there’s a big, gaudy, gold disk attached to the front, idiots such as myself actually contemplate paying obscene amounts of money for them. I should just buy a pair of flats at Payless and hot glue one of those Sacajawea dollar coins to the front. Ooh stylish.

Is this thing on...?

Bloggin on the old blog through Facebook, not sure how it works or if it works. But we're about to find out, in 5... 4... 3... 2... Roll new im convos...!

Jess i think the funny is still in me
Jess: i'd hate to bring it back and disappoint everyone
Bitter Kevin: lol true, you have a lot to live up to
Bitter Kevin: if you come out of retirement and suck it up, it could be disaster
Jess: thanks, no pressure though
Bitter Kevin: angry villagers with torches at your door
Jess: seriously!
Jess BE FUNNIER damn it
Bitter Kevin: possible assault with tomatoes and/or eggs
Jess: probably eggs, the FDA recalled all the tomatoes
Bitter Kevin: nothing makes a better projectile than an e-coli laced tomato

The day every girl dreams of

Congratulations are in order! I married the photocopy machine the other day! I'm sorry you guys couldn't be there to share in our happy day... but it was beautiful. I would have cried, but then the ink might have run. We are registered at Staples and Office Depot and hope to have many little toner and ink babies running around ASAP!

I might try to divorce him next week though and get a part time job at kinko's instead. I don't like to be tied down to only one copier...

Sing, sing a song

2 art directors having a conversation about one of our Power Point presentation decks. I walk by.

Cute Art Director in my office: hey jessica, do you know how to adjust style formats in power point?
Me: (stifling laughter) Say wha? Excuse me?
Cute Art Director in my office: I figured people with a liberal arts degree and a business background would have some higher level experience with the program
Me: uhhh... I have a music degree... I could sing you a song?

The boys of summer

A friend of mine sent me this article which was in the NY Times about a Staten Island girl and her dating life. I have excerpted my favorite part for your enjoyment.

"'A guy from the Bronx isn't going to come all the way out here," she said, "so it's all people you grew up with or Jersey Shore boys, and I'm not into doot-a-doots."

Doot-a-doots?

She gestured toward the dance floor, where a couple of guys with
spray-on tans pummeled the air to the beat of Snoop Dogg's "Drop It
Like It's Hot."

"You know, a Tony, a Joey," Ms. Shammas explained. "Carries the
invisible suitcases and waxes his body hair." Or as she once wrote in a
blog, "A five o'clock shadow is nice on your face, but not on your
arms."


Carries the invisible suitcases!!! The mental image of that caused me to laugh in my apartment alone for 15 minutes. Bullseye! 10 for excellence in descriptive accuracy! LOVE IT. Still not sure what a doot-a-doot means though... is that referring to the way they walk??

A letter to anonymous

Dear Anonymous poster,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to take out your anger on my poor defenseless blog. Since you clearly have all of this free time to check it and realize that it now is "not as funny"... why don't you start your own blog? I would absolutely LOVE to see how funny you are. Especially considering you couldn't even post your criticism under your name. I actually have a real job now, not a lame boring fake one. This computer is literally a fossil that could have been dug up on an archeological exploratory dig. I can't put up pictures or even use color. Everyone talks all day here, loudly, annoyingly. The second I would sit down to even breathe in some air, someone else is calling my name or my phone is ringing. I hate to say it, but I don't have time for you anymore. I don't even have time for me anymore. Be thankful you're still getting RTW every monday. Sorry you're upset, I really don't have the time to care though.

this post took 5 minutes and I have another meeting in 30 secs and my boss just asked me 15,005 questions.

next time leave your name, that way I can address you personally.

have a nice day.

Cake Monster

apparently I no longer have the use of color fonts either... grrr Mac.

Sari: I have a cupcake
Sari: :-)
Jess: WHATTTTTTTT
Sari: LOL!
Sari: it has pink frosting
Sari: I am just eating the frosting
Jess: NOOOOOOOOOO i am drooling
Jess: I WANT CAKE
Jess: my eyes got really wide when you said that
Jess: lol
Sari: hahha
Sari: I knew you would appreciate it
Jess: appreciate it? i want to get in a cab and steal it
Sari: LOL!!!!!!!!!!1
Sari: love you
Jess: now how am i supposed to concentrate! damn you!

Jammed

Looky what I caught! HAHA only kidding! My friend just happened to email me these pictures the same day Fival my office mouse and I bonded. I bet you this is one of Fival's cousins... poor guy. How the hell did he get into the printer!? Maybe he wanted to get some ink done? Laser hair removal? Silly mouse.

Rough Draft of the Work Moon-o-meter

I am trying to put together a 3 hole punch. Someone keeps stealing the industrial hole punch from the room where it lives. So I decided screw it, I'll just steal myself another one from the supply cabinet. But this is way too much work. Who knew I'd actually have to assemble it. Shouldn't it already be ready for use? The 3 hole punch came with like 8 punchy things all screwed in. Obviously I can't have that. Hence 3 hole punch, not 8. So I had to unscrew them all and remove 5... but I don't have a screw driver. Instead I improvised and had to use my scissors. Then once I had removed the stray extra 5, I had to rearrange the 3 so they were in the right spot and then proceed to screw them back in. Dumbest thing EVER. That literally took me a half an hour. I feel like I'm on Extreme Hole Punch makeover.

Supply and Demand

So besides the office supplies that I brought for myself because of my rampant office supply OCD, I was given the office supply book and told to get myself some stuff I needed. You mean free reign of the office supply book?? I don't know if I feel comfortable with this! I don't want to be thought of as the office supply golddigger. It's like when you marry a rich husband. You don't buy a Porsche the first week, you wait til at least maybe the second. So I ordered myself a desk lamp and a paper clip dish. WOWEE big spender! I'll wait til next week to get the $800 reclining Italian leather desk chair. Meanwhile my desk lamp has instructions that read... keep protective glass in place, see base sticker bebofe change bulb. Bebofe? Is that english?

Keeping Count

I got reprimanded this weekend for having 14 items in the 12 items or less checkout line at the stupidmarket. You have to be kidding me! Meanwhile the elderly man in the motorized wheelchair in front of me spent 15 minutes complaining about the price of his cranberry juice. I really doubt that my extra 2 items were what was holding up the line. But she had to scold me, while I looked at her half dumbfounded, half absolutely shocked/disgusted. Talk about being petty. You work at a supermarket hon... relax.

Things that Deserve some Thought

- Who misses the old Blog? ME ME! Who knew I'd have to do work, at work?
- Can I put a tanning bulb in my desk lamp? That would be awesome.
- Why is it socially unacceptable to take home dessert in a doggy bag? People don't do that do they? I have a rule though, NEVER leave over cake. But I feel like you can't take it home.
- Is it a requirement to have a shaved head if you're a trainer?
- I always used to be curious of people who would lick their finger when going through or seperating a stack of papers. Why would I want that paper now that your saliva is all over it? I don't want wet paper! Now I've noticed I'm a finger licker too...

Fed Sex: The world on time

Thought it was note-worthy to let you know that as we speak, I am moving my way up the Fed Ex food chain! Now I send out international packages as well as domestic! At least here the packing tape doesn't smell like vinegar. Soon, I'll have my own truck! I look good in purple.

Bracket update

Breaking news! Jessica's Stinky Bracket 2005 isn't in last place! I'm currently in 27th place out of 108 entries! Hey it ain't winning, but it ain't last or even bottom half! Gil's in second place. Gil, you're my bracket hero! Will you autograph mine?

Poor 'Cuse

Must you rub it in you BIG BULLY?!??

"And Syracuse? I know, Vermont is good. Vermont had a terrific big guy and a coach with a story. Vermont has the best maple syrup.

But Syracuse should not score 57 points with a lottery pick and against a team with two players. The Orange, who started the season 20-1 by beating the pants off mid-majors on its home court, could not beat a mid-major on the road on a neutral floor.

American beat Vermont. Boston University beat Vermont. Syracuse could not beat Vermont."

I just threw up a little in my mouth. American has a basketball team?? Ray Glier NBCSports.com contributor... I don't know where you live yet you mean, mean guy... but when I figure it out, you won't even hear me coming... 'Cuse basher.

Kiss it goodbye

Goodbye bracket. The madness has consumed you and incinerated your very being. I weep for you, for you are lost, toast, garbage. Oh poor, poor bracket. Poor, poor bracket. Too many upsets, too many high seeds advancing. How could you have known? Oh bracket, it's not your fault. Goodbye sweet bracket, goodbye.

St. Sorry

Yes Kevin is right. I've been so consumed with my bracket and my new job, that I couldn't find the time to locate a good shamrock clip art. I apologize. Green is very in this season, if you didn't know. I did however celebrate the holiday of Green by going to the Kareoke bar next to my new office with some work people. Next year I'll bring me lucky charms... Could I really pass for Irish?

What's on my iPod?: Monkee Business

When I was young, I loved the Monkees, had all their records, watched their tv show, and was totally in love with Davy Jones. I heard the song “Daydream Believer” the other day and I realized that it’s actually a piece of shit song. Davy Jones can’t sing. The words don’t make much sense and at time the whole thing sounds like something that could be on the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas Album. “Last train to Clarksville”… now that’s a hot song…

Listen to the Music

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/03/17/american.idol.ap/index.html

This is how I've been lowered to showing you pictures! Pathetic isn't it! Well if you follow that link... you'll see students in Edison Middle School in good old WO town (West Orange, my town) cheering on their music teacher... Anwar Robinson on American Idol! I wish my music teachers were on American Idol... I doubt they met the age requirements though, because they definitely didn't meet the "cool" requirements!

It's that time...

YES a visual!!! Halle-lujah! Notice the abundance of Orange. Good color. The madness starts! Get out your brackets, join your pools... pick, erase... erase, pick again. So far mine doesn't have holes in it yet from erasing and you'll be happy to know I'm still using the first one. But I'm armed with my lucky purple highlighter, so let's hope Dino-Mac (my pre-historic work computer) has the plug-ins needed to run virtual scores on cbs sportsline... otherwise I'm going to be a little cranky tomorrow. What you ask? Shouldn't I be doing work at work... hmm, k I promise to consider it.

Full House Flowers

Oh gosh I miss pictures! When I get home I will post one just because. But for now... we're going to have to use our imaginations. Imagine a big photo of a goofy smiling Uncle Jessie. Yep Uncle Jessie is getting his own show. One would think the networks could have been a little more creative with the premise, but no... it's about him being single. How mind-blowingly original since his real life split with Rebecca. But anyway... the point of this is that ABC has really gone all out with promotions for this thing. Probably smart since they scheduled it against the OC tomorrow night... genius, pure genius at it's best. People were standing on Park Avenue today giving out flowers from Uncle Jessie. Mine are on my desk right now. I know you're all jealous. I still plan on watching the OC, and humorously after receiving my flowers, couldn't remember for the life of me what the name of his stupid show was... time for some better promotion...

First day

YAWN. Weren't you so upset you didn't have any new posts from me today? That's because I'm still figuring out how to use the poor excuse for a computer that they gave me! Macs look cool and all... but that's about it. Worst freaking computers. Applications are far inferior on the Mac. AIM is a complete nightmare. Not that I'd rather have no AIM than nightmare AIM, but it really is a complete disaster. Steve Jobs and I need to have a discussion, ASAP. Don't think I'll be able to put any pictures up to the blog during working hours either, because my nightmare computer is also currently childproofed. I'm not allowed to download anything unless I ask the administrator. If anyone can come up with a covert way for me to to ask him for the blog imaging program and AOL... let me know.

Orange you glad I didn't say banana

It's that time again! March. Time to break out my orange underwear, rub my stuffed Otto's belly for good luck, drink beer and cheer on my team! GO CUSE! Big East player of the year Hakim Warrick. First team all conference Gerry G-Money McNamara (my boyfriend, love you Ger Ger). One game at a time boys. UConn tonight at 9PM on ESPN... I've got my cheerleading outfit set... do you?

Done at One

Jess-
1) Being a parts model. Which leaves me with only one question... what the #$*@ is wrong with my face??? I will miss playing dress up and being photographed though. Maybe one day I'll see my image on a billboard in Iowa... never know! Oh Cum-stock we've made so many great memories together. I will miss you. Please enjoy a photo montage of my 3 years here.










Sari-
1) is probably too drunk from celebrating last night to even make complete sentences. And at this time I have no idea where she is. Cool!

Don't be Blue, 2

Jess-
2) The Lincoln tunnel. Rush hour. Torture. There was maybe 1 day I can remember when there was no traffic going into the Lincoln Tunnel on my commute. If I remember correctly it must have been the day we had that nuclear holocaust. Yea I know that never happened, but that would be the only rational answer.

Sari-
2)I wont miss being a fancyface at work... I hate wearing suits.... it's CRAP!

Wacko Jacko Update

Jacko decided not to show up for court this morning. The judge issued an arrest warrant for him if he didn't arrive within an hour. Where did they think he went? Where is he really going unnoticed? Is he trying to make himself look bad? Not like he could possibly look any worse, not after what he did to his face. Oh wait... an update. He was taken to the hospital with back pain. Does he have his period? Take 2 midol and show up for court honey...

New Additions to the Quality Words list

The AQW, Academy of Quality Words has announced the newest additions to the list. The votes have been tallied up and the winners are only known to the accounting firm of Ernst and Young. Here they are... the first public announcement of the newest Quality Words...

Poop (as submitted by Kevin)
Fogey
Befuddle
Tinkle
Sippy Cup

Kidnap calamity

Al Queda was going to kidnap Russell Crowe? This is a joke, correct? Can anyone say they would have honestly cared? The reports say it was part of some "cultural destabilization" plot. So they came up with the bright idea to take one of our celebrities? If they took my iPod I'd cry, if they shut down McDonalds I'd cry, if they blacked out all of our digital cable I'd cry, but kidnapping Russell Crowe?... that really has no impact on my life whatsoever. They can have him! In fact while they're at it, can they take a few more really annoying egomaniac celebrities? I can have a list ready by 5PM...

3, Oh the Glee!

Jess-
3) Bus friends. I will always hold a special place in my heart for Terry who used to bring me chicken wings every week, silly hat man #2 whom to this day I do not know his name, big mouth woman who said she was preggers but I never saw her belly get any bigger, the 2 Hispanic guys who just stare, and Mike who talks to me the whole way home about his wife from Georgia... as in Georgia, Russia. Hard to keep a straight face when a guy's telling you about what's basically his mail order Russian bride. Gotta love the bus people.

Sari-
3) I will not miss waking up in the 5 o'clock hour every morning... never seeing the light of day, working 10 hours with no break, not even lunch... nope- won't miss it!

Careful what you read

“I saw Michael’s left hand in my brother’s underwear and saw his right hand in his [own] underwear,” said James, now a 14-year-old in the ninth grade. “He was masturbating. He was rubbing himself.”

Two days later, James claims nearly the same incident occurred. He left the main house and took a golf cart to get some chocolate from Jackson’s theater. When he returned, he again observed Jackson masturbating with one hand while the other explored the other boy’s underwear, according to James.

Absolutely disgusting, positively disturbing, life scarring mental image. Ew, ugh, bluch, yuck, yuch, ick... ICK! I feel like I need to douse my eyes with bleach and then use that little eye water fountain from high school science class after reading that. ::SHUDDER::

Weather or not

I've had about enough of these weathermen. And that completely gay Sam Champion "we are the champions" commercial on ABC... I can hardly keep my food down when that thing comes on. Is that supposed to be for real? Meteorology is SUCH a friggin joke. What the hell happened today boys? You said 1 inch on grassy surfaces starting at noon. However, while you were making yourself all purdy in your dressing rooms... we're getting 3-5 inches and it started at 10AM. Hello? That is a large discrepancy. If you guys can't make successful predictions or even educated guesses, just leave us all alone to fend for ourselves. The only prediction I want to hear comes from The Weather Girls... It's raining men. God bless mother nature.

4, One foot out the door

Jess-
4) The grease truck. The lunch truck that stops near my office and I have a love/hate relationship. The food is cheap and actually not that bad, but there are only so many days a week I can eat cheesy greasy quesadillas and end up wanting to throw up 2 hours later. I crave them full on knowing I will have THE WORST tummy ache after. I will miss that. Goodbye sweet quesadillas. Adios.

Sari-
4) I am not going to miss sitting next to a man with the worst gas problem I have ever encountered and a woman who stares at me all day long.

Ever see the commercial for natural gas heat where they tell you to call 1 800 I've got gas... love that commercial. I think Farty Boy might have to call...

Let's lose this dive, 5

Jess-
5) I guess every list deserves at least one positive. I hate being so negative all the time, it really brings down my serotonin levels. I will miss my co-worker P, Miss Patricia. Without her, I would have lost my mind here long, long ago. And I would have had to have eaten grease truck food 5 days a week, surely causing my immediate death. Ahh P, you and I, two peas in a pod... I will miss our banter. We are such bitches.
*names have been excluded to protect the flood phobic's

P: have you noticed that all of (*random co-worker's) pants are too short for her! its like she recently had a growth spurt
Jess: LOL!!! or maybe she's just scared of the impending flood
Jess: (*other random co-worker)'s are like that too
P: do they know?
Jess: I should lend them my rain boots!
Jess: growth spurt! HAHAHA
P: its funny b/c I notice it everyday!
Jess: (*random co worker) just hit puberty
P: HAHA!

Sari-
5) I will not miss being told that I am not permitted to take my hard earned vacation days, and that being with my family is not as important as the Devil being with her family... Grrrrrrrrr.

The devil A? I sense some bottled up animosity... let it out girl! GRRR!

Sit down into it: A picture is worth how many words?

Thanks to my friend Ehrlich for knowing so well how much I appreciate this kind of humor and hunting down this pic for me. Where to start? Phil, buddy. Listen... it doesn't have to be that painful. Come here, closer... closer. I want to whisper this one word in your ear Philly, but I demand that you stop touching yourself first. Ssshh... lubrication. There's no need to be embarrassed, we're all friends here. And maybe next time take off your pants first to avoid chafing? It could have been worse... it could have been Tiger behind you. You know what they say about going Black. Oh and while we're on topic... nice addition of the golf club prop! I'm impressed. Didn't know you swung that way...

Get in Your Last Licks, 6

Jessica-
6) Doing a job a Chimpanzee could do. Chimps aren't as funny as I am... but that's just a technicality. So I just found my job listed on monster.com... here's what it says...

Responsibilities:
- Keyword new images for weekly upload to website.
- Categorize, in Cumulus, each image chosen for the website.
- Upload all categories and keyword metadata to website, weekly or as needed.
- Edit photo shoots to select images for models personal use and send disks of images to models.
- Process all paperwork from in house and contract photographers.
-Assist with photo shoots when needed.

Qualifications:
- Strong technical skills: knowledge of Internet and database software as well as Word and Excel.
-Knowledge of database software such as Extensis & Cumulus a plus.
- Familiarity with MAC and windows operating systems.
- Highly organized, strong attention to detail, and the ability to multi-task are essential.
- Effectively work independently and also function as part of a team.
- Strong communication, both written and oral are essential.
- College degree a plus.

College degree a plus??? Wow my father will be thrilled he spent $120,000 on my education...

Sari-
6) ... she's still thinking about it. Oh wait, she has submitted "No more cookie passing out." I bet a Chimp would like cookies...

Splitty Pity

So sad. Two celebrity couples have called it quits today. Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are getting a divorce, and Katie Holmes and Chris Klein broke their engagement. The publicists are quoted as saying "They broke off the engagement but are remaining good friends". Puh-leese! I wish for once a publicist would just say... "They broke up and they hate each other. Katie is crying into her Ben and Jerry's with the help of Jared Leto and Chris has already been seen with Paris Hilton canoodling". We can handle the truth... I promise.

7 is heaven

Jessica-
7) Port Authority. My current home away from home. I hate it there. It's like a glorified truck stop. Knowing I won't have to go there everyday makes me want to scream out in glee like Liesl did right after Rolfe kissed her in the rain in The Sound of Music. In the morning it smells like bacon and at night it smells like popcorn. They know exactly how to torture me with their psychological food games. Worst place. But no more!! No more puke authority... authority of puke no more! The hills are alive!!

Sari-
7) No more dodging Peppermint Patties thrown by my boss at my head.

... Sari, I advise you start thinking of something for tomorrow... now. Maybe even jot it down?

Start the Countdown!

8 more days! From now on, one thing I will/won't miss about my current situation for everyday I have left.

8) Alarm clocks are the spawn of the devil. No more alarm at 6:10AM, opening my eyes, staring at the dark ceiling, saying Fuck, and dragging my miserable ass to the bathroom. No more happy and perky Steve Bartelstein and Lori Stokes at 6:15.

Jen chooses... herself?

I would have chosen Mr. Big... oh oops wrong show. I would have chosen Stu... ok wow totally kidding. Poor, poor Jerry. Being as hot as he is, and looking as much like my dream husband Josh Duhamel as he does... I genuinely felt bad for him last night as he received the "let's be friends" rejection from boob and nose job recipient and complete brat Jen Schefft on a live national tv broadcast. I fell off my couch in shock. I have so many questions! Why Jen why? Jerry can I have that ring instead? Am I really still watching this show? For the love of God somebody please do not allow me to watch the next season... I need to make a clean break. No more...