The year is new

Oh it's that time again... the devil holiday is upon us, and soon it will be 2005. I don't really like years that end in odd numbers, they kinda give me the creeps... but anyway. Hoping this year I can escape the ghosts of new years past... 2 years ago I almost got arrested for jumping the turnstyle at the PATH train, and last year I wore maroon... disaster. Oh wait, I think Mara is wearing maroon this year... forget I said that. Happy New Year to all, and to all a drunken night!

RIP Jerry Orbach and 80,000 others

So incredibly sad right now that Jerry Orbach has passed away. In a double whammy, I click on CNN to refresh and the death toll has gone up to 80,000... 80,000 people, so terrible, hundreds of Americans missing, and Law and Order star Jerry Orbach died. Don't you ever feel like you need just five minutes to sit under your desk and be alone... I do. Awful, just awful.

Vacation, All I ever wanted

Yoo hoo?? Oh Bushie?? Hello?? Oh hi, excuse me sir, I hate to interrupt your vacation... um but... see well, there was this huge earthquake which caused an even bigger tidal wave... a tsunami to be more exact, and it sort of, well, it hit like 8 countries over in Asia. Asia... you know where that is right?? Little to the right of Iraq. Anyway... this wave, it caused the death of almost 70,000 innocent people. 70,000... which could double with disease. I mean, surely you've been told of this? I hate to ask this sir, but, do you have a huge zit or something? Laryngitis? I thought for sure I'd see you on television making an impassioned statement about the horrors going on over there and how we will help. I know it wasn't 70,000 Americans, but surely you can spare ten minutes to show the rest of the world that you give a sh... oh, right... you're on vacation. Well, I guess then... uhhh... whenever you get around to it... clearly it's unimportant. Maybe wait like 4 days and do it today?? This is Time Magazine's Person of the Year??? Hail to the Chief...

All time worst movies

I saw two movies this weekend. "Meet the Fockers", and "Sideways". Glad to tell you that neither of them made my All time worst movies list, but I debated on "Sideways" for a little, until I recalled the movies on the list, and thought better of it. Here they are in no specific order...

A.I.
Vanilla Sky
The Royal Tenenbaums
Adaptation

Now, realize that I have not seen many movies, therefore the list is small but concise. I am in the process of expanding my movie knowledge, so the list has the potential to grow, I have not seen "Glitter" or "Gigli" yet... but for now it stands as that. I will however hear any arguments from those of you who would like to nominate a movie not currently on the list.

Fucking Stu Debut

Ok people we need to chat. So a new season of The Bachelerette starts on Monday January 10, 2005. This is not just any other day anymore... this is the day you are all invited to my apartment to witness the debut of someone I like to call "Fucking Stu". Yes boys and girls, a guy I was seeing is one of the 25 picked to be on the show and he's in US Weekly this week! Are you dying??? Because when my friend Katie told me, I was... on the floor laughing so hard I thought I might pee. Mainly because you have NO IDEA what kind of CREATON this guy is, hence his nickname "Fucking Stu", and I wrote a whole RTW about him this year, which I'll post on the Archive page the week of the show! So yea, this is the most hilarious thing I have EVER heard and you are all invited over that night to laugh at him with me... so mark your calendars

Don't poo-poo Christmas

What says Christmas like a poo-ing snowman?? Nothing! Merry Merry ya'll!

New every Two

Jess: you are not going to believe what happened after I spoke to you
Jess: I have to bring my new phone back
Sari: y????????/
Jess: bc the lady lied to me
Jess: i have to buy it in a real verizon store
Jess: the lady never told me that, she made up some story about them crediting me on my bill for my new every 2 years $100 credit
Jess: which apparently is BS
Jess: so I was on the phone with verizon for an hour, got hung up on 5 times
Sari: ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jess: then I got this really nice lady who told me I had to return the phone to Rumy the Indian lady and go get a new one and she's crediting me $30 for my trouble
Sari: awwwwwwww
Jess: ugh I don't have time to run all over the city because some whore lied to me
Jess: Rumy... she has the standard one ass hole right now, but after 7:00 when I get there... she will be blessed with 2
Jess: I'm going to kill her
Sari: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Jess: filthy liar
Sari: HAHHAHAH!
Sari: HAHAHAHHA
Sari: hahahahhahaha
Jess: I'm glad you think this is funny!!!!!!!!!!
Jess: I am so upset
Sari: sorry
Jess: I had a new phone for 3 hours!
Jess: hahaha, I am scarred
Sari: I dont think its funny
Sari: just your reaction!
Jess: lol
Sari: love you!
Sari: blessed with 2!
Sari: lol
Jess: why me?!?!

Yule never understand

Of course I wouldn't understand the traditions of Christmas, but some... I really don't get. Like fruit cake. Does anyone actually like fruit cake?? It reminds me of those scary jello molds with unidentifiable fruit floating in them. Why would anyone voluntarily eat that stuff?? Then there's the yule log. There was a full page ad in AMNY this morning for 4 commercial free hours of watching a fireplace on the WB. People watch that? A burning log? That sounds to me about as exciting as watching grass grow. It doesn't do anything... it's just a fireplace with background Christmas elevator music. Us Jews don't even stick around to watch the Chanukah candles burn all the way down, which would take like what?, an hour?? No wonder we can't fathom watching a log for 4 hours....

Mikeyface hates Sports Corner

Katie: God hates the Eagles

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????? Can DNabb do it alone with no TO? This is a disaster.
At least the Patriots lost last night. I can take solace in that while I wait for my Chrismukkah miracle... TO gets a bionic ankle transplant.

What's on my iPod?: WARNING!

WARNING: this device may cause severe aural static electricity shocks!!!

Doing any activity that would normally result in a nasty static shock this winter, while wearing iPod ear buds, will shock you inside your ears! Yes, this is not a joke... it's happened to me 8 or 9 times and it hurts very, very much. I think I have lost about 100 brain cells up to this point, other than that it hasn't been a problem. If it becomes more dire and I die from the voltage, I'll let you know...

The Secret RTW archives

In case you didn't know, RTW, standing for Random Thought of the Week, is actually an email newsletter I send out every Monday morning. For your reading pleasure I will be posting the article from this week last year, and the link is on the right listed under "Links you'll want to check out". So click on the RTW Archives link to remind yourself the craziness that went on this week last year, or get acquainted with RTW for the first time. If you like what you see, drop me a line and I'll add you to this year's email list serv! Happy Monday! (I know, I know... but it's a short week, so just let it slide...)

Merry Celinemas

Yes the rumors are true! I am singing at the holiday party on Monday! Get excited! I will not be doing a Celine tune this year, but her spirit will be there with me (I know, vomit at my corny-ness)

In related Celine news, I will be receiving her new album courtesy of my friend who works for the Ellen show. I appropriately reemed him out for not getting me an autograph or even alerting me to the fact Celine was on... but he said he can't get autographs for anyone and he'll send me the new album as a peace offering. It's all lullabies for babies... and I certainly don't have any babies, but I can't pass up free Celine...

You're Hired!

It's over. Kelly is hired, Jen is fired. All is right with the world. Normally I'd want the girl to win, and halfway through the season I actually did think Jen should win... but then she turned into a whiny bitch, and nobody likes a whiny bitch (wait... did I just insult myself? No, I'm a whiny FUNNY bitch, and the funny part outweighs the other two... I think?). She was so obnoxiously confrontational that you just couldn't fight the urge to smack her. But man did she get shit on when everyone in the audience was saying they'd pick Kelly, poor girl looked like she wanted to crawl inside her own skin... I think I would have cried.

Overall: good pick by Trump; Regis is always entertaining; thoroughly humorous how everytime someone would compliment Jen, the stupid camera people would pan to a shot of Jen C. who didn't even make the top 6; did we really need to hear from Omarosa? Her 15 minutes were over last year; and I saw no need for them to drag it out 3 hours... it was like a bad American Idol finale, 3 hours of garbage for 2 minutes of payoff...

J'Adore Gifts: Man's edition

In all fairness and equality I had to share with you what AOL said were the top gifts for him, since their choices for her were just so endlessly amusing. What could they possibly suggest to top the Wal-Mart diamonds? A dollar store 3 piece suit?

Sidenote: I feel we must once again touch on the Wal-Mart diamonds, just to hammer this in. We do not purchase diamonds from Wal-Mart, we just do not do such a thing. (unless we live in middle America). Toys, deodorant, Tupperware, cheap DVD's... fine. But jewelry? Wal-Mart is not a jeweler. Shame on you.

To the list...

1. XM Satellite Radio. Right off the bat the men are getting better gifts than the women. If you don't recall and are too lazy to scroll down, the first suggested gift for her was a sandwich maker. Hmmm cooking appliance or satellite radio...??

2. Portable iPod Speaker System. Again. They've really conformed to the stereotype that men love electronic gadgets and women love smelly lotions and jewelry. Interesting though that the advertisements surrounding the list are for strange horseshoe shaped keychains and absolutely corny alphabet cuff links... oh and I almost forgot the ever popular initial engraved money clip... none of which made the list.

3. Poker Chip Set. Here honey, since you got me Wal-Mart diamond earrings, I'll buy you something that enables you to spend one night away from me gambling and burping with the boys. And on that night, my friends and I will discuss what a cheap bastard you are for buying jewelry in a shlock market.

4. DVD Camcorder. I'm really getting bored of all these electronic gizmos on the list. Why isn't Bulova watch listed? What if he's a metrosexual and he doesn't want the entire stock of Best Buy... maybe he wants a spa gift basket instead?? Well... in that case, he can have mine.

5. Kenneth Cole Black. I could comment if I knew what this was???? Huh? Sounds like it could be a cologne, which would make sense on a list such as this. Couldn't they just write cologne?

J'Adore Gifts

Ok here we go. Saw this on AOL... the 5 gifts she'll adore. Adore is such a strong word, maybe they should have made sure these were good choices? Are you ready?

1. Breadman Panini Maker. Yea, that didn't quite make my list this year. I oh so badly wish my boyfriend would buy me a sandwich maker. Really starting to wonder how this made the top 5.

2. Friends DVD set. Friends is over, get over it. We'd all rather have the Sex and the City DVD set, if we're stuck getting home entertainment products as presents.

3. Diamond earrings. Ok now we're talking! Who among us if faced with the choice wouldn't pick this one??? Then I scrolled down a little and saw the big advertisement for diamonds on sale for $68.86 at Wal-Mart. Yikes! My god men, if you're going to buy diamonds in Wal-Mart, at least have the good sense to stick them in another box and throw away the gift receipt.

4. Bulova watch. Rolex watch?? Cartier watch?? Wonder how much Bulova paid to get their name snuck onto the adored list.

5. Spa gift baskets. What working woman has time for at home spa products? I've always wondered this. Who is soaking and loofah-ing their own feet? When exactly am I supposed to use my invigorating mud mask, while I'm at the gym? On the subway? I wouldn't climb into the tub in my apartment if you paid me, let alone for the sole purpose of using bath salts. Screw the gift basket and send me to the spa! THAT is a gift.

Looky what I can do in Photoshop

"She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up! Her chest is ahead of her by 2 or 3 feet so, you know, it gets there before she does."

Guess who said that?? I'll give you a clue...

He's talking about his daughter. If I ever found out my Dad was talking about me like that, I'd be mortified. Gross. Yuck. Gross.

Ve Paaty!!

Mara: the party is on the roof?
Jess: it's prolly heated
Jess: I didn't see him mentioning eskimo attire
Mara: hahahaha
Mara: imagine if I went in a snow suit
Jess: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jess: i literally just laughed out loud
Mara: oooooor maybe its the SnoC ball??
Jess: i should wear my coat with the fur hood
Jess: and long underwear
Mara: seriously, lets go in long johns...im sure we'll get lots of boys!
Jess: LOL!! could u imagine
Jess: thongs are SO out for winter, it's all about the long johns
Mara: lets get those pants that have the plastic on the bottom so you can go sledding
Jess: lol please stop!
Mara: i can just see us now... like from dumb and dumber
Jess: i keep laughing and trying to make it sound like i'm coughing
Mara: haaaaaaaaaaahahaha
Jess: that would be so hot if we showed up like that
Mara: we can even bring hot chocolate in travel mugs
Jess: can we have swedish accents?
Jess: and be named Inga
Mara: ahhh yes, ve go to paaaty
Mara: and olga!
Jess: ve are inga and olga from sveden
Jess: it be so cold here boyz, ve need to be varmed up
Mara: ve are hea to uh, what u say celebate vith jason??
Jess: wow that was a good laugh
Mara: hahaha yea it was
Mara: especially since i could picture us heading out to the party sat night
Jess: in pink full body snow suits?, because that is how I see it
Mara: oh i kinda saw us in blue and orange just like harry and lloyd!
Jess: hmm i was thinking pink frilly like paris and nicole, that's hot

Sports Corner

Our son is moving to Queens??? Wow that is quite a coup for the Mets! See there's one thing I'll never understand... why Mets fans hate the Yankees. Yes we have overshadowed you as of late and that is unfortunate, but can't we all just get along? Frankly I am happy for the Mets, at least now Daddy and son can be closer together... one big happy family!

Two words. Eli Manning (Giants, 5-on a respirator). Two more words, Pittsburgh Steelers (12-1). And lastly, the two more words everyone is thinking... Fuck and Fuck. I am actually frightened for Eli. He is going to get massacred. Cover your eyes people, it ain't gonna be pretty.

Sadly Cuse basketball has dropped to number 8 in the AP poll today. Lose one game and it all goes to shit? We dropped 4 places, isn't that a little harsh... we have feelings too ya know...

YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Wow, I can't even believe it myself. Scotty P got the death penalty! As my friend Katie said, "death is too good for him". Don't worry Scott, it's only a little prick... which I'm sure you won't even feel considering you're such a BIG prick...

Toon Time

I'm lovin it

My friend Jaime called me this morning to tell me she had a really funny story. She went to McDonalds in Murray Hill and got charged for a sauce. Except I, out of breath from just stepping off the treadmill, thought she said she got charged with assault at McDonalds. Now both are pretty funny, although her not getting the toy she wanted in her happy meal and jumping over the counter to beat down the cashier is a little bit funnier than her having to pay 11 cents for a sauce...

More Work moon-o-meter

Since everyone keeps quitting around here (note: which is even more infuriating considering that's what I want to do more than anything in the whole entire world) and nobody is being replaced, we now have to do everyone else's jobs on top of our own. Therefore when I have packages to send to models, I must now package them myself because the mailroom/fed ex guy quit. This is a small scale emergency, yet the packaging tape smells like vinegar and I've almost thrown up 3 times, and Fed Ex feels the need to remind me on every envelope that I cannot ship blood...

Ok fine it only gets a 4, but it's Friday so the annoyance of everything seems magnified... work with me here...

Cheap Ho Ho Ho's

Jess: so we got our holiday basket yesterday and they totally skimped
Jess: it was not nearly as nice as last year, they cheaped out
Jess: stupid management company
Sari: ugh
Sari: what was in your basket?
Jess: ready for this....
Sari: yep
Jess: cocoa mix and MARSHMALLOWS
Jess: marshmallows cost like a nickel
Jess: choc graham crackers, my personal fave
Sari: LOL!
Jess: some kind of popcorn corn thing, shaped like a corn
Jess: what I thought looked like a bag of rice...
Jess: RICE???
Jess: what the fuck kind of gift is rice?
Sari: HAHAHAH
Jess: shit I wish I could remember what other really UN-fun things were in there
Jess: oh... pretzel nibs with peanut butter in them
Jess: last year there were choco pretzels and jelly beans, so much stuff i was shocked at the basket
Jess: the economy is that bad that they skimp on my basket, yet I'm expected to shell out more money in rent this year?? this is so unjust...
Sari: this is from your building?
Jess: yes!
Jess: who did u think it was from?
Sari: your company!
Sari: I dont get shit from my building
Jess: LOL... well then I guess in comparison I did better than you, want some marshmallows? rice?

Fry the SOB

Poor, poor Scotty P. I am trying so hard to muster up the teensiest amount of sympathy for him that I am actually hurting myself in the process... and it's still just not working. Oh please waaaaaah, waaaaaaaah, spare his life, he is a good caring person, waaaaaaah, waaaah. Gag me. Nobody needs his breed of caring. Scott's mom claims it would be like Laci never existed and it wouldn't bring her back... well she did exist, before your son murdered her in cold blood. I wonder if you've forgotten that fact. Fry him.

Now, it's too real

After she read about how I was writing to a soldier, my friend Staci signed up for 'My Soldier' and received the contact information of the person who would distribute her package to her soldier today. She googled the name and was devastated to find out that he had been killed 4 days ago in a roadside bomb in Iraq.

Army Staff Sgt. Kyle A. Eggers
27, of Euless, Texas; assigned to the 1st Battalion, 506th Infantry Regiment, 2nd Infantry Division, Camp Greaves, Korea; killed Dec. 5 when his vehicle was struck by an improvised explosive device in Habbaniyah, Iraq.

I really don't think I could handle it if I found out the soldier I was writing to had been killed. I would be totally devastated. RIP Kyle, and thanks for your bravery.

What's on my iPod?: Ms. Jackson if you're nasty

"If" by Janet Jackson just came on and I started singing along quietly to myself, until I realized what I was singing. Let's review the lyrics quickly for those of us who have forgotten...

Close your eyes and imagine my body undressed
Take your time, we've got all night
You on the rise as you're touchin' my thighs
And let me know what you like
If you like, I'll go down
Da down down down da down down
I'll hold you in my hand and baby

Your smooth and shiny feels so good against my lips, sugar
I want you so bad I can taste your love
Right now, baby
Day and night, night and day
All I've got to say is
If I was your girl
Oh the things I'd do to you
I'd make you call out my name
I'd ask who it belongs to

Wow! This song is SO completely blatantly DIRTY! I remember singing this back when... wait what year did this song come out again? 1993!!! Whoa... I was singing along to this when I was 13 years old??! I hope not in the car with my Dad...

Trimspa: Be a crackhead

It's amazing what people would do to lose weight these days. I just read something today in AMNY about this new African cactus plant thing people are eating called Hoobastank or Hoodia gordonii or something. It's supposed to curb your hunger completely and apparently is used in Trimspa, the shit Howard hocks that made Anna Nicole Smith slightly less beastly, slightly. She's still a beast. Whatever happened to good old running? Stair master? Weight Watchers? Instead people are willing to eat some strange African tribal plant that could cause you to sprout 3 new arms, have toes grow out of your belly button, your insides to eat themselves, or you run the risk of becoming a crackhead like Anna? This is a smart idea? Ok, I'll have a double hoodia with cheese please...

The first cut is the deepest

Holy Crap. Is Dick Vitale the most annoying human being or what? I really contemplated walking West four avenues to MSG and killing him. He is so irritating, I watched the first half of the game on mute. Well, we put up a decent fight. My Gerry gave it his all hitting three 3 point shots in the last 2 minutes... but alas we fell short. It sucks to lose, and the first one always stings the most. I think it'll be ok though... as long as I never have to hear Dick Vitale again. I want to punch him.

I love chocolate coins

Happy Chanukah! Hanukah! Hanukkah! And however else you spell it. Since the sun goes down now at like 4:15 I thought it was ok to mention it now. Yes I think I shall light the candles later, and maybe even sing the prayers... if I can remember what they are. Doesn't matter anyhow, I already got my presents... oops I mean, unless of course that angers the Chanukah gods for next year, then I'll happily pray away! Just call me Yakira, that's my Hebrew name... which sounds eerily similar to Shakira, am I Jewish or Colombian??? Slight difference...