Candy is Dandy

Ugh how I LOVE Halloween! When I was in elementary school I won a goldfish at a girl's bday party for best Halloween costume. I was little bo peep, in this big pink dress, blonde wig, with a sheep stuffed animal... too bad I killed the goldfish like 2 days later, but what kind of Grand Prize was that anyway?? Then in high school, I would make everyone go trick or treating with me, even though we were like 17 and not wearing costumes, and I ran it like the military. We'd start really early in order to cover the most neighborhoods, forget pumpkin trick or treat baskets, we'd use pillowcases... plural, and if you were dumb enough to leave the candy in a bucket outside your door, well you were sorry. I was eating free candy for months after... ahh that was the good life

Ok I take that back, not so simple

I'm going to tell you because I'm a good sport, that after having that post up ALL DAY, I just realized that possibly I should consult a calculator to check my math... and uh yea... not so correct. Actually to use a really bad pun, not even in the ballpark. No, don't bother looking, I have already corrected it. It got worse for the Red Sox, apparently my math was more generous than anyone cared to know. Moral of the story... Jessica don't EVER do math on paper in the subway at 6:45 AM again.

Some Simple Math

Ok Red Sox Nation, bask in the glory of the moment... I suppose you deserve it. But the rivalry must live on because without bitter rivalries, life... oops I meant sports, would be less fun. So here is how Yankee fans view the... "events of last night"...
1 - only took you 86 years. Allow us to plan your party for the next time... say... 2090? K greatest, see ya there!
2 - the Cardinals practically rolled over and played dead. You might as well have beaten a little league team, so it doesn't REALLY count as a World Series title
3 - so that's how many more times until you catch up to our 26 world titles? At a rate of one every 86 years, according to my calculations, that's 2,236 years until you catch up... that is assuming we NEVER win again... so looks like we'll be even steven in the year 4240. We'll all be looking forward to that.

To Infinity and Beyond

According to CNN, a California biotechnology company has started taking orders for a genetically engineered cat for pet lovers with allergies and they will be available in 2007. Genetically engineered hypo-allergenic cats? Talk about a scientific breakthrough!! Who knew when I was 7 and asked for a stuffed cat for Chanukah since my Dad was allergic and I couldn't have a real one, that in 20 years they'd manufacture a mutant cat that wouldn't make his lungs fill with fluid and cause him to stop breathing. What will they think of next! Stuffed cats everywhere beware...

Girl you know it's true

I'm sorry but this whole Ashlee Simpson thing is hilarious. Everytime I see the clip from SNL where her utter professionalism causes her to do a strange Irish Jig-Hoe Down combination and then walk offstage when she's revealed for the Milli Vanilli she is... I feel a twang of embarassment for her and then remember that first she blamed it on her band, then she blamed it on acid reflux. She should have tried the Britney excuse of "it's hard to dance and sing at the same time" and blamed it on the Jiggy Hoe Down. I know it's not easy to sing live, especially when you're sick. I've done it... without inadvertantly becoming the honorary Purple Pill spokeswoman in the process... Nice try Ash, hope your esaphagus is ok.

Why God, Why me?

Yep got into a fight with a busdriver today. We were sitting in traffic, not moving, so I politely asked him if he had noticed that the right lane was moving down the shortcut to the tunnel and why he wasn't going that way. He said we were moving... however I'm sorry sir, but if that was moving, I really would have hated to see stopped... and he wouldn't go that way. I felt the need to inform him that I do this everyday and that I promise it's faster therefore optimizing our time together, but he reminded me he was the busdriver, and I reminded him not so kindly that he was ridiculous. Meanwhile 5 minutes of not moving later, he goes my way. We get to Port Authority in no time and as I am departing, he grabs me and apologizes. He owes me an apology, he is soo soo sorry... Yes that's right peons, All Hail the Bus Queen!!

Be still my Heart

JBJ... ::swoon::, how I love thee, let me count the ways. According to Billboard magazine Mr. Hottie pants is coming out with a new album and a world tour this spring. I know I'll certainly be there, been twice already at Giants Stadium... I mean just look at him... DELISH! All the good ones are married with 4 kids...

Bleeding Orange

Only two undefeated teams left in the NFL and what do you know, one of them is from bleeping Boston and the other is led by an old buddy of mine from Cuse... Donovan McNabb. Gosh this brings back so many memories of us eating lunch together my freshman year in the dining hall... he was 25 feet away, at another table... but we were eating at the same time, together. (sigh). Oh Donovan, if only I had the guts to ask you to sign my... uh... football. Just thinking about you makes me want to eat Campbell's chunky soup...

Cards suck Poo Holes

um hi? Cardinals? Anybody home? Me not likey-ing this, no siree. Hello? Hellooooo? Babe Ruth called and said "What the @#!$?"! The hopes of all Yankee fans rest on your shoulders Red Birds. We have failed, now it is up to you. Do you want to forever be remembered as the team that let Boston win the world series and broke the curse? No, I didn't think so! So wake the hell up and let's turn this thing around...

Priceless

I said as early as last week that the reason we were going to lose the series was because that stupid Mastercard commercial jinxed us. I'm telling you, I just had a bad feeling about it. Now here's some of the offers that weren't appropriate for television... courtesy of craigslist.com.

"Straight man offering my virgin backside for a sox ticket or 2. Willing to allow the sanctity of my ass to be violated for World Series tickets. Any night will do. Must be AIDS and disease free. A small unit is preferred but willing to accommodate others."

"In exchange for 1 world series ticket TO ANY GAME, I will gladly donate to you my left ball. I am extremely fertile, intelligent, and healthy, and I figure this is a small sacrifice for a once in a lifetime opportunity. In addition, ever since I got married they are essentially worthless anyways....so this is your chance. If you are interested, let me know. I am willing to negotitate (kidney is also a possibility, but liver is out of the question). In addition, both balls for a pair of tickets may be doable."

"If anyone is willing to give up 2 red sox world series tickets, game 1 or 2, i will let you bang my wife. she: 27, blond, blue, nice boobs, tight. Serious only please this is no joke."

No joke? I kinda think it's funny... I hope they don't think there's a refund policy when the Sox lose... some things you just can't get back...

Houston, we have a problem

911!! EMERGENCY! I just saw that they opened a DSW in Union Square. This is bad people, really bad. It's like shoe heaven in there, my eyes glaze over and I become a crazed shoe loving zombie. This will certainly cause my undoing, damn them! At least they didn't open it on 34th St... then I really would have been pickled. So yea, I'm not busy Saturday... say 3PM... anybody want to go check it out??...

Naw man, it ain't mine

Remember when you were little and tried to blame everything on someone else so you wouldn't get in trouble? The dog ate my homework, I didn't steal the gum from the supermarket my friend Johnny gave it to me, those pornos are the babysitters, Dad let me watch Dirty Dancing, I smell like cigarettes because Jen's aunt was smoking in the car, that's not alcohol on my breath it's mouthwash... and so on. Yea that ain't gonna fly anymore sorry 'Melo. The drugs weren't mine, they were left in my backpack by a friend who borrowed it last weekend??? You can't come up with anything better than that? He should've at least tried the Jen's aunt thing... Come on give it the old college try 'Melo... oh that's right you wouldn't know, you dropped out...

The Jug Debate

Now with all that other ugliness out of the way, we can ponder the more important things in life, like whether or not Lindsay Lohan's boobs are real. Forget all those other debates, this is the one that counts, can we get Gwen Iffil back to moderate? Although I doubt any of us invest as much time in it as whoever made up this song and cartoon... that person is truly sick and needs to be hospitalized immediately.
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/lohan_song.asp

Welcome to the Fallout

Oh no no no, he is DEFINITELY not smiling anymore. We are the biggest chokers in the history of baseball, aptly to forever be called Team Heimlich and ridiculed endlessly. I do seem quite calm about this don't I... that would be because I took close to 5 advil for severe headache and heartache, no matter what... we will always be Pedro's father, and oh Jeter... I'd still like to touch the heiny. Not to worry, I will be okay. I'd trade the Boston win for a big win Nov 2 anyday. And at least now I can sleep like a normal person.

For all the marbles

Lowe vs. Brown with EVERYTHING at stake. I don't know why it's so personal, but I feel like it's my own life, my own reputation on the line. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. How will it end? This is very serious business... but we have 3 more hours to still find some kind of humor in it, so in the meantime check out this site and have a laugh or two...

http://proxy.espn.go.com/chat/sportsnation/polling?event_id=939

That is great.... hahahaha

Jess: "We can only imagine what the story will be in New York should the Red Sox actually come all the way back and win this thing. One thing we do know is that the conniption fit George Steinbrenner will throw will set off seismographs in Beijing. Even before the dust clears, he’ll be jettisoning players, firing coaches, flogging the hired help, and making the blood run through the corridors of his command bunker in Tampa."
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: mer gen
Mara: huge mer gen
Jess: your aim has gone nuts?
Mara: my ENTER button wasnt working
Jess: haha
Mara: i saw you but was trapped
Mara: couldnt respond
Jess: then it sent it like 40 times
Mara: it did?
Mara: what did i write to you?
Jess: Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: that is great....hahahaha
Mara: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Jess: it was like a broken record
Mara: that is great...hahahaha
Jess: LOL
Jess: STOP! that's not funny!
Mara: just kidding

Mother Sheeter

Maybe if I pretend the last three nights didn't happen, it'll all just be a bad dream? I am a nervous wreck, I haven't slept in days... and just when I finally seem to be drifting off, I hear Tim McCarver and Joe Buck taunting me. Damn you Yankees!! Why are you doing this to me! If we lose this thing tonight, besides the constant ridicule for the rest of our lives... I heard Steinbrenner has scheduled public beheadings in center field for the lineup.

Paging Al Roker

Huge Dilemma...


Do we do the rain dance or not? I am so torn. I want this stupid series to be over already, but we have NO pitchers left. None. Unless Steinbrenner can go buy a new pitcher before tonight... I just don't know. We MUST win tonight if they play. MUST. I will legitimately lose my mind and need to be shot up with horse tranquilizers if this goes to game 7. I can't take it... I'm an emotional wreck. You'd think someone just stole my favorite lip gloss...

Vomit

everywhere.

These games are on Viagara... 5 hours!

I HATE THE RED SOX!!! They are going to be pitching outfielders soon if this keeps up. Who are they going to pitch after that? Me? Somebody please just make it stop...

Stages of being a Yankee fan tonight...
1- YEA!!!!!!!
2- hmm... this isn't so good
3- this is REALLY bad
4- I'm suddenly feeling violently ill, watch game in front of toilet
5- &*%%!!! I have not said this many curses in as long as I can remember
6- PANIC!!
7- pound any liquor that happens to be in arms length
8- cry and throw up

Sweeeeet!

Yes I've resorted to sending candy through the mail, on work's tab of course. Hey why not right? I have jolly ranchers, you want a jolly rancher... I steal your work address off your outlook signature and send you one. Come on, how fun am I! Nobody is fun anymore! It would be totally cool if we all started sending each other candy at work, so let's do that! I like kit kat and reese's, but I suppose they don't travel so well... so I'll accept starburst or watermelon bubblicious. Oh and P.S... Sari, you owe me one peppermint patty, and it better not be squished when it gets here.

Grrr

Look at me! I'm Bill Mueller, somehow my name is pronounced Miller, and I'm dancing! So they live another day, when they had no business being anything but a squashed bug. GRR, Red Sox. Mariano broke the cardinal rule and walked the lead off man, now it's up to Moose to let Boston know they will NOT be the leaders of the biggest comeback in history, they'll just be history... pests.

This was the game that...

never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends... some people started watching it 5 hours ago, and they'll continue watching it almost 20 runs in tow. Boston got trounced! What a complete embarrassment for them. Bill Simmons must have lit himself on fire multiple times watching that. Our 2,3,4 hitters are murderous, A-Rod, Shef, Hibatchi Matsushi... ON FIRE. Of all the stats they threw at us last night, my undeniable favorite was the fact that the Yankees outscored 7 NFL teams last weekend. Oh baby, oh baby, I smell sweep...

The work moon-o-meter

This easily scores at least a 7... It is sweltering in Sari's office right now, and she just received this email."Building maintanence is aware of the issue. It is due to a broken fan. Engineers estimate that the fan will be fixed within half an hour. Please be patient"


Oh yes please be patient while trying your hardest not to sweat balls all over your suit. We understand that it is roughly equivalent to the temperature of the gates of hell... but please be patient. Soon your body temperature will rise to the point that your internal organs will shut down and you will pass out... by that point we hope to have the problem under control.

This Rocks

I just read that Chris Rock is hosting the Oscars this year and I CANNOT wait. Who even cares what movies get nominated... Rock is god. This is going to be hilarious. I saw him on Oprah (wow that is such a girly thing to say) and I was laughing my ass off. Check out this video of him http://www.laserp.com/chris_rockfp.htm

Let's hope they don't use a tape delay...

Spanky, Spanky

Ahh Pedro, you elderly man beater... how does it feel to get spanked by Daddy once again? You like that? You want some more? Who's your daddy biatch? Slam-a-lama-ding dong and it's 2-0... see ya at Fenway chumps.

All Hail Rebecca

My second chance has come!! I have been invited to a bar opening tomorrow night with the cast of All My Children... ok fine technically Mara got the evite, but she sent it to me!! Who really sweats the small details, I'm invited!!! Ooooh Rebecca Budig, love of my life... maybe I will finally meet you tomorrow! Ok wow, need to breathe...

BERN BABY BERN

When it was 8-0, I called my Dad and proclaimed Boston was getting a big bad booty bashing, and that maybe if Cunt re-tied his shoe one more time it would all be a bad dream. Possibly if he cut off all the circulation in his foot that might help him last more than 3 innings. Douchebag. Moose was pitching a perfect game and has he always been this hot and I just didn't notice?... I have a slight crush on him. And then those stupid assmunch announcers started talking again about "one swing of the bat" just like the other day with Sierra, and it happened again! They need to stop that shite or tell me the lottery numbers. I won't lie and say I didn't throw up in my mouth once or twice in the eighth inning, but regardless all I can say is... 1918. Suck on my Bernie! Bring on Pedro - Who's your Daddy?? (obscene gesture)

Change one consonant in Curt's name... and it's a whole new ballgame

Cunt Schilling is going to shut up Yankee fans in the Bronx? Apparently he's forgotten how they do things in the boogie down... even if by chance we lose, we'll still be shouting obscenities at him. I mean just because you have that one silly championship ring, don't let it go to your head. We've got enough rings to make a fancy set of brass knuckles... and that Schilly baby... is how we do it in the Boogie Down Bronx...