Trash spam

I’ve taken some time over the past few days to unsubscribe from every piece of email spam I have somehow gotten myself blessed with recently. I highly recommend this exercise to everyone. I feel so free! No longer must I delete 500 annoying emails a day while accidentally overlooking the 1 or 2 that may be of interest to me. Just because I bought something off a registry once certainly does not mean I have any interest in receiving an email a day from Williams-Sonoma or Crate and Barrel. Nor do I have any use for information about Viking river cruises or Gevalia coffee. And I definitely have no idea how I ended up on a golf digest, christian singles, or republican committee (with emails addressed to my dad or brother... Dear Richard, or Dear Andrew) mailing list. It’s because of this and my erratic mass deleting that I missed an alert for an exclusive Taylor Swift concert pre-sale and now the shows are sold out. I blame this on the GOP...

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micro-blog segments include Tweeting in a Meeting (TiaM), and how many twit, tweet, related jokes one person can make!

Top Ten

Wal-Mart now selling caskets, urns online

Top Ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) Really? Really. When will the madness end?

9) I almost want to put it in a shopping cart just so I can see if there is a “gift” option. I’ve got a couple people I’d like to purchase this for... (kidding. No, seriously, I am)

8) Costco apparently sells them as well. I assume though not in bulk.

7) They allow layaway. So if you can’t afford to die just quite yet, this is a win-win.

6) Does this get shipped to your house? I wonder if my old doorman would have signed for this...

5) Once you’ve lived your life to the fullest, there’s nothing like spending eternity in a discount casket.

4) If you’re going to buy a casket from Wal-Mart, you should be shot. Oh, right... That makes sense now.

3) They’re gonna start selling those puppies on Canal Street next week.

2) $999.90. Or 10 small payments of $99.90. If you order within the next 20 minutes we’ll throw in a year’s worth of formaldehyde absolutely free! No returns or exchanges. Do not use with dirt or dead people.

And the number 1 reason this is a great headline:

1) There’s a link that says, “be the first to review this product.” Uhh, good luck with that since your end users are DEAD. It’s very comfortable! Fits perfectly! Wears well! I got tons of compliments! My mom loved it!

The Daily Bailey

I am thinking of dressing up for Halloween. I’m a festive kind of cat. I like to participate in holidays that have no purpose. Although I cannot eat chocolate, because I would die, nor can I go outside to trick or treat... And not to mention that this holiday is completely biased toward black cats, I have still done a little research as to what I can be for Halloween. Cutesy just isn’t my thing. I saw the frilly costumes, the witches, the devils. But those are not nearly enough. I need to be taken seriously. I am unfairly persecuted by HER and the rest of the zionists. She takes my toys and my food, she invades my land. Besides, even though I have no balls... I want what every guy wants. 72 VIRGINS! That is why I have chosen this costume. I am so going to Jihad this apartment.


Meowlah akbar!

3rd times a charm

It is my friend Lauren’s 30th birthday today, however it seems that I got her present by mistake. Cameron Mathison (see links below) just walked out of my building (on a day when I at least could have maybe tried to look a little more attractive). As I usually do, I froze up and didn’t move, but this time I happened to be holding the door when I realized it was him. He looked a bit uncomfortable to come out, since he wanted to let me in, however I couldn’t move my feet. So as he came out, I dug deep down, remembered how ridiculously embarrassing it was to have to tell everyone that I couldn’t say anything to him on both of our first two encounters, and actually found the strength to produce words. I said...

“No problem, I watch you everyday”

Oh god. Why didn’t I just say “I carried a watermelon”? I watch you everyday? Like on the television. Like on All My Children? Like NOT thru binoculars??? Could I have sounded any more like a crazy stalker lunatic? I suppose I could have if I’d gone with any of the lines from my first blog post. I am SO not smooth. This could have gone differently. We could have run away together, if I had bothered to do my hair...

But whatever, I TOUCHED HIM! I am never washing my elbow again...

http://rtweb.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-lost-my-balls.html

http://rtweb.blogspot.com/2008/07/weekdays-on-abc-weeknights-on-soapnut.html

Slightly Crazy Nancy Drew

Or savvy internet user, whichever you prefer. I happen to just be a very astute, detail-oriented, inquisitive kind of person. That is why my friends and I are starting our own PI agency... Slightly Crazy Nancy Drew. As lead investigator I have already solved the Case of the 20 year old, the Case of the Stomach Ache and the Case of the Facebook Divorce. My co-detectives are also responsible for cracking the Case of the Former Girlfriend, the Case of the Who Peed My Bed, and the Case of the Break-up then Make-up. Trust me, with a little passive surveillance, strategic thinking, and the right contacts and questions... There’s really nothing you can hide from us. You may think it’s crazy and/or stalkerish. We think it’s just smart. Besides, if you don’t want everyone to know everything about you, what you do and where you are... Don’t post it on the internets. Because we will find it.

Worst Site in the World

Ticketmaster.com

There seriously has to be a better way to buy tickets to a concert. Oh right, there isn't because they have a monopoly. Nothing like having a firm stranglehold on being completely inept and un-user focused. Congratulations ticketmaster.com. First of all, you can’t buy more than one night of the same show at the same time. Therefore you have to pay two convenience charges, which is not at all convenient. Why can’t you add it all to one total shopping cart? Second, I had to wait 20 minutes while it “searched” for my tickets. Staring at it, and waiting, and waiting... Fully knowing that everyone else is buying my tickets while I stare helplessly at my screen. Halfway through my eternal wait, I realized that this format was better served by choosing “best available” seats versus a very narrow selection. Proven by the fact that after 20 minutes of praying, drumming my fingers on the desk, pretending (badly) to sit patiently, cursing, many many angry profane thoughts, a near breakdown, and running the site in 2 browsers... There were no tickets that matched my original query. Shocking. I needed to wait 20 minutes for that? All is well and good though, I got my tickets, but it was a truly terrible and stressful experience. And that is why ticketmaster.com has earned itself the honor of the WORST site in the world.

A little advertising humor

From: Jessica
To: Allison

Hey I think it's missing one...

7. COPY WRITING

"Steamy. Passionate. Earth-shattering."

From: Allison
To: Jessica

8. CRITICISM

"It's all a bunch of hot air. And the tone, could he be more self-serving?! I've known great lovers. He's no great lover."

From: Jessica
To: Allison

9. FACTCHECK.ORG

"He is in fact NOT a great lover."

From: Allison
To: Jessica

10. DEFAMATION

"He has a tiny dick and not the slightest idea what he's doing."

Driving Miss Jessy

My account director ordered me a car service home the other night. I easily could have taken a cab, like I always do when I work late, but she had already called the car so who was I to complain. Up pulls my 7 seater black Escalade ride home. I was disappointed there wasn't a fully stocked bar inside.

Me: "This is a fancy ass car I got myself here... pimpin!"
Sleazy driver: "Yesssssss, let's go somewhere else then..."

Uhhh what? No thanks. Now I'm uncomfortable and there's no cab TV and Eyewitness News briefs to pretend I'm watching to fill the awkward silence. I really couldn't have imagined a situation in which I'd miss taxi TV before this very moment. Sleazy driver is creepily staring at me in the rearview mirror, then turns on the XM radio to the dance trance station and blasts it. It's 10 pm. I just worked 13 hours. Really, this is happening to me?

Sleazy driver: "I have Bose stereo! I get girls Friday nights, they like this music."
Me: "Oh, that's good."

Awkward. Why the F do I have to live so freakin far uptown? What's the price tag my company had to pick up for this little un-joyride? $35. ::cough:: Is that in Euros?

Pet Peeve #1

Note to the people trying to squeeze themselves under the bus stop awning. The entire world cannot fit under here, it's really not that spacious. Sometimes that's you under it and sometimes that's you stuck out in the rain. Thus is life, luck of the draw. Deal with it and get the fuck out of my personal space.

Stupid People should be Shot on Sight

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Today I nominate the entire Heene family. If you don't know who I mean, you must have been hiding under a rock for the last 24 hours. The crazy family who had a giant Jiffy Pop space ship in their backyard, which flew around the friendly skies of Colorado while the entire country watched and contemplated the fate of their 6 year old son, stupidly named Falcon, who all the while was chillaxin in the family attic. I know you think it's cold that I'm including the children in this, but I seriously feel in this case that the stupid doesn't fall far from the tree. You just can't make this shit up.

Meanwhile this morning while the Heenes were attempting to explain their way out of the stupidness, we were forced to watch them awkwardly try to wake Falcon up, who was sleeping during a national broadcast and when finally roused, promptly threw up twice on camera and on what looked to be like his brother's leg. And his mom just sat there offering him tupperware to chuck into and his dad just continued talking. Honestly, could this get any more stupid? I hate this family. I lost brain cells watching this garbage. I never want to see these people again. Even though I predict them having a reality show next season.

The Daily Bailey

I’m a pretty straight edge kinda cat. My former life may have been lived on the mean streets, but I wasn’t swayed by the alley cat lifestyle even though I still had my balls back then and fully could have been a LEGEND. When I was finally caught and tested for the FIV, I was clean. Believe me people, my body is a cat-hedral. I do not have illicit sex... Mainly now because I am not allowed to leave this apartment, so my choices are limited to licking myself or trying out that stuffed dog over there. I do not drink... Anything besides water. SHE never puts the good stuff in my bowl. Basically, I never do anything fun or crazy. It really puts the F U in fun. Until the other night when I was taunted and blatantly peer pressured... “Bailey, wanna have some fun...” to engage in behaviors for which I am ashamed yet slightly amused. Fine, laugh at me... It was awesome and I am totally hooked and thinking of ways to solicit my next fix...

Whoa man, whoa. Like w.h.o.a. This catnip stuff is off the chain. The entire apartment is spinning at 1000 mph, my pupils are so dilated they might as well be marbles, and everything looks DELICIOUS. I sat in front of the microwave for what seemed like an eternity, because I thought I remembered food sometimes coming out of there, but nothing happened. Instead I decided to chow down on this yummy cat toy for a bit, until I realized that the ball of aluminum foil hanging out next to my scratching post seemed particularly mouthwatering. Wellll hellloo there scratching post. You certainly are looking mighty fine for rubbing, and eating, and humping. Shit, why is this skank video taping me? I certainly did not consent to this. I am busy here humping this... Wait, what is that fluffy grey thing that is bouncing around and singing “Bailey eat me, you know you wanna...”... Oh YES, it’s my tail! Come here stupid elusive tail... Get in my mouth! Oooh I’ve got you now! Um where’d you go??

I think I am on speed. Whoo I’m spent. I need a catnap... And then definitely more CRACK! Or whatever you call this amazing amazingness. Don’t hide the stash selfish human, I will kill you in your sleep for my next fix...

Pigskins in chocolate?

Bacon and chocolate? Chocolate covered bacon? This is certainly a new concept. Is this breakfast or dessert? I really might need to know what this tastes like.

In other pig(skin) related news... my touch football team finally won a game this weekend! Even though we are currently still in last place, no thanks to my 3 yard completion and complete laying out of some dude on the other team, we happen to at least excel at drinking games.

You know what goes great with beer?... milk chocolate bacon bars.

Top Ten

Here's a little bit of a different take on the classic Top Ten post...

Top Ten things I’ve done while I was drunk:

10) Thought I was home every time the cab stopped at a red light and continually tried to get out

9) Lost all of my belongings and then hysterically cried

8) Unplugged the refrigerator when attempting to plug-in the air mattress pump

7) Somehow bent the key to my building in half and then promptly broke it in the door the next morning (this was this weekend...)

6) Made out with my friend’s cousin

5) Devoured a cupcake, got frosting everywhere, in my hair, on my watch, and left a trail of crumbs all over my friend’s apartment. The next morning, when seeing the mess I asked her “WHO eats a cupcake like that??” and she responded... “um, YOU.”

4) Decided to get out of a cab by my old apartment for unknown reasons... I live 50 blocks from there now.

3) Caught my heel on a bar stool and took a face first dive onto the floor in front of 4 male coworkers

2) Tried to use my license as a credit card to buy drinks

1) Took a nap on the bathroom floor of the Chinese restaurant at the Borgata

However, I have never stolen an ambulance... Yet.

The Daily Bailey

I am quite advanced for my feline age. Don’t I look dignified and stately!? I may only be a year and a half old, but think about it, I’ve been through a lot in my short life. I’ve lived on the streets, struggled to eat, been captured, then captured again... Oops I meant adopted. Due to my rough upbringing I've got highly advanced street smarts and I definitely know when I’m being played. Last night something was up. I could smell something fishy in the air, which unfortunately was not my treats, and I sensed that revenge was going to be a dish best served cold... And hopefully alongside my food. And as I suspected, I was right... About everything but the food. Just as I was falling into blissful sleep on that beautiful comforter that I am slowly shredding, SHE started petting me and shaking my paw and carrying on “Bailey... Oh were you sleeping? I guess it sucks to be annoyed while you’re sleeping... Doesn’t this suck? I want to play. You should wake up and play. Isn’t this annoying? What are you tired?...” AH go away!! Are you kidding me wench? I really hate her sometimes...

If we’re being honest, I suppose I may have been slightly more annoying than usual lately and may have actually been somewhat asking for this retribution based on the fact that I jumped on her face while she was sleeping the other morning. Ok fine, in the interest of full disclosure, I jumped on her face AFTER I pestered her so much that she got up to feed me at 5:30am so that I’d leave her alone. Listen, I know I am making myself sound very unsympathetic here, but I like to come up on the bed every morning and climb onto the desk where I can proceed to knock things over and swat at everything. This is just what I do, it’s a fact of life. I do this every morning... Because I can. This particular morning she had decided to try to block my access to the bed by positioning herself by the edge. She thinks she’s crafty like that... So what was I to do? Let her win? In war sometimes there is collateral damage, and if that happens to be your face, then so be it. If you don’t want me to jump on your face... Then move your face. That’s not street smarts, that’s just simple logic...

Stupid People should be Shot on Sight

Today's awesome Queen of the stupid ship is the woman killed by her pet black bear while cleaning its cage. I am not at all the least bit surprised that yet another genius has been brutally killed by their pet wild animal. Anytime you hear the phrase "pet bear" or "pet lion", you can almost be guaranteed that the outcome is not going to be pretty. My general rule is that if the animal is bigger than me, it is not considered a pet. Haven't these people learned their lessons yet? On what level is this a good idea? What exactly is the need to have a 350 pound black bear as a pet anyway? Can you take him for walks? Take him to a bear park? Play fetch? Let your friends pet him? What do you do with him when you go on vacation? Ask someone to bear-sit? Take him to a bear hotel? Seriously people. If you want to have a pet that you can't do anything with, I highly suggest a stuffed animal. They are just as fundamentally useless, however their love will not maul you and eat your insides...

Who Knew?

"The case has been described as perhaps the most serious terrorist plot uncovered in the U.S. since 9/11. However, experts said Zazi, who is being held without bail in New York, had the means to kill scores of people — not hundreds or thousands."

So based on logic, and I like to think of myself as a decently smart and logical person, I'm going to say that the construct of this sentence leads me to believe that a "score" is more, a lot more, than a hundred or a thousand. Although, who uses "score" to describe amounts besides Abraham Lincoln? So, what is a score? A score, according to Wikipedia, is a multiple of 20. Four score, is 80. The terrorist could have killed people in multiples of 20? Aren't hundreds arguably multiples of 20 too? But alas, according to the free online dictionary, "score" also means large numbers of people. Who knew? Large numbers of people that are divisible by 20? Couldn't we have chosen a word that doesn't have multiple numerical meanings? Like, massive amounts of people? or a lot of people? lots and lots of people?

The Daily Bailey

So I just joined this Catbook thing on Facebook. If you’d like to request me as a friend, ask my assistant (HER) how. I don’t really understand how it works or why there had to be a distinction and I couldn’t just be on Facebook. I mean, I have a face too. If it was called Humanbook, then fine. But clearly I am just too smart and too up on my internet technologies (hence this awesome blog I commandeer). I am like the Al Gore of cats. I also happen to be an avid user of iTunes. My iTunes library consists of really exactly what you'd expect. The original Broadway cast recording of “Cats” (best musical EVER, I’m talking EPIC. When it comes back to Broadway, oh and it will mark my meows, I am SO auditioning for the part of Mr. Mistoffelees), some sweet jams from that cat who plays piano on YouTube, Paula Abdul (mainly due to her affiliation with MC Skat Kat, otherwise that bitch is crazy), and a little Cat Stevens. Not many surprises there. However, I also dig a little of that cool kat Michael Jackson (even though I’m not really sure he ever liked pussies). Specifically that tune that goes “I always feel like, somebody’s watching meee...” I hear ya Mikey, I feel the exact same way.

I am watched all of the time. What does SHE think I’m going to do? Create mischief? I do nothing of the sort. Can’t a brotha try to break into the garbage in peace? Why you gotta know where I am at every minute? Gosh you are SO needy. “Bailey, what are you doing? where are you..?” Doesn’t she think that I ever just want to be afforded a couple minutes alone to lick myself, eat bugs, or read a cat-alogue in the litter box? Just because I run to the door every time you come home, does not mean I am stoked to see you. Maybe I am trying to escape and continue my precious alone time. I’m kind of a loner, ya know a nomad, they call me the wanderer. I’m a little mysterious, don’t really like to be tied down... I’m starting to think we might need a little space. I think maybe you should consider moving out... Just be sure to leave the food...