Supply and Demand

So besides the office supplies that I brought for myself because of my rampant office supply OCD, I was given the office supply book and told to get myself some stuff I needed. You mean free reign of the office supply book?? I don't know if I feel comfortable with this! I don't want to be thought of as the office supply golddigger. It's like when you marry a rich husband. You don't buy a Porsche the first week, you wait til at least maybe the second. So I ordered myself a desk lamp and a paper clip dish. WOWEE big spender! I'll wait til next week to get the $800 reclining Italian leather desk chair. Meanwhile my desk lamp has instructions that read... keep protective glass in place, see base sticker bebofe change bulb. Bebofe? Is that english?

Keeping Count

I got reprimanded this weekend for having 14 items in the 12 items or less checkout line at the stupidmarket. You have to be kidding me! Meanwhile the elderly man in the motorized wheelchair in front of me spent 15 minutes complaining about the price of his cranberry juice. I really doubt that my extra 2 items were what was holding up the line. But she had to scold me, while I looked at her half dumbfounded, half absolutely shocked/disgusted. Talk about being petty. You work at a supermarket hon... relax.

Things that Deserve some Thought

- Who misses the old Blog? ME ME! Who knew I'd have to do work, at work?
- Can I put a tanning bulb in my desk lamp? That would be awesome.
- Why is it socially unacceptable to take home dessert in a doggy bag? People don't do that do they? I have a rule though, NEVER leave over cake. But I feel like you can't take it home.
- Is it a requirement to have a shaved head if you're a trainer?
- I always used to be curious of people who would lick their finger when going through or seperating a stack of papers. Why would I want that paper now that your saliva is all over it? I don't want wet paper! Now I've noticed I'm a finger licker too...

Fed Sex: The world on time

Thought it was note-worthy to let you know that as we speak, I am moving my way up the Fed Ex food chain! Now I send out international packages as well as domestic! At least here the packing tape doesn't smell like vinegar. Soon, I'll have my own truck! I look good in purple.

Bracket update

Breaking news! Jessica's Stinky Bracket 2005 isn't in last place! I'm currently in 27th place out of 108 entries! Hey it ain't winning, but it ain't last or even bottom half! Gil's in second place. Gil, you're my bracket hero! Will you autograph mine?

Poor 'Cuse

Must you rub it in you BIG BULLY?!??

"And Syracuse? I know, Vermont is good. Vermont had a terrific big guy and a coach with a story. Vermont has the best maple syrup.

But Syracuse should not score 57 points with a lottery pick and against a team with two players. The Orange, who started the season 20-1 by beating the pants off mid-majors on its home court, could not beat a mid-major on the road on a neutral floor.

American beat Vermont. Boston University beat Vermont. Syracuse could not beat Vermont."

I just threw up a little in my mouth. American has a basketball team?? Ray Glier NBCSports.com contributor... I don't know where you live yet you mean, mean guy... but when I figure it out, you won't even hear me coming... 'Cuse basher.

Kiss it goodbye

Goodbye bracket. The madness has consumed you and incinerated your very being. I weep for you, for you are lost, toast, garbage. Oh poor, poor bracket. Poor, poor bracket. Too many upsets, too many high seeds advancing. How could you have known? Oh bracket, it's not your fault. Goodbye sweet bracket, goodbye.

St. Sorry

Yes Kevin is right. I've been so consumed with my bracket and my new job, that I couldn't find the time to locate a good shamrock clip art. I apologize. Green is very in this season, if you didn't know. I did however celebrate the holiday of Green by going to the Kareoke bar next to my new office with some work people. Next year I'll bring me lucky charms... Could I really pass for Irish?

What's on my iPod?: Monkee Business

When I was young, I loved the Monkees, had all their records, watched their tv show, and was totally in love with Davy Jones. I heard the song “Daydream Believer” the other day and I realized that it’s actually a piece of shit song. Davy Jones can’t sing. The words don’t make much sense and at time the whole thing sounds like something that could be on the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas Album. “Last train to Clarksville”… now that’s a hot song…

Listen to the Music

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/03/17/american.idol.ap/index.html

This is how I've been lowered to showing you pictures! Pathetic isn't it! Well if you follow that link... you'll see students in Edison Middle School in good old WO town (West Orange, my town) cheering on their music teacher... Anwar Robinson on American Idol! I wish my music teachers were on American Idol... I doubt they met the age requirements though, because they definitely didn't meet the "cool" requirements!

It's that time...

YES a visual!!! Halle-lujah! Notice the abundance of Orange. Good color. The madness starts! Get out your brackets, join your pools... pick, erase... erase, pick again. So far mine doesn't have holes in it yet from erasing and you'll be happy to know I'm still using the first one. But I'm armed with my lucky purple highlighter, so let's hope Dino-Mac (my pre-historic work computer) has the plug-ins needed to run virtual scores on cbs sportsline... otherwise I'm going to be a little cranky tomorrow. What you ask? Shouldn't I be doing work at work... hmm, k I promise to consider it.

Full House Flowers

Oh gosh I miss pictures! When I get home I will post one just because. But for now... we're going to have to use our imaginations. Imagine a big photo of a goofy smiling Uncle Jessie. Yep Uncle Jessie is getting his own show. One would think the networks could have been a little more creative with the premise, but no... it's about him being single. How mind-blowingly original since his real life split with Rebecca. But anyway... the point of this is that ABC has really gone all out with promotions for this thing. Probably smart since they scheduled it against the OC tomorrow night... genius, pure genius at it's best. People were standing on Park Avenue today giving out flowers from Uncle Jessie. Mine are on my desk right now. I know you're all jealous. I still plan on watching the OC, and humorously after receiving my flowers, couldn't remember for the life of me what the name of his stupid show was... time for some better promotion...

First day

YAWN. Weren't you so upset you didn't have any new posts from me today? That's because I'm still figuring out how to use the poor excuse for a computer that they gave me! Macs look cool and all... but that's about it. Worst freaking computers. Applications are far inferior on the Mac. AIM is a complete nightmare. Not that I'd rather have no AIM than nightmare AIM, but it really is a complete disaster. Steve Jobs and I need to have a discussion, ASAP. Don't think I'll be able to put any pictures up to the blog during working hours either, because my nightmare computer is also currently childproofed. I'm not allowed to download anything unless I ask the administrator. If anyone can come up with a covert way for me to to ask him for the blog imaging program and AOL... let me know.

Orange you glad I didn't say banana

It's that time again! March. Time to break out my orange underwear, rub my stuffed Otto's belly for good luck, drink beer and cheer on my team! GO CUSE! Big East player of the year Hakim Warrick. First team all conference Gerry G-Money McNamara (my boyfriend, love you Ger Ger). One game at a time boys. UConn tonight at 9PM on ESPN... I've got my cheerleading outfit set... do you?

Done at One

Jess-
1) Being a parts model. Which leaves me with only one question... what the #$*@ is wrong with my face??? I will miss playing dress up and being photographed though. Maybe one day I'll see my image on a billboard in Iowa... never know! Oh Cum-stock we've made so many great memories together. I will miss you. Please enjoy a photo montage of my 3 years here.










Sari-
1) is probably too drunk from celebrating last night to even make complete sentences. And at this time I have no idea where she is. Cool!

Don't be Blue, 2

Jess-
2) The Lincoln tunnel. Rush hour. Torture. There was maybe 1 day I can remember when there was no traffic going into the Lincoln Tunnel on my commute. If I remember correctly it must have been the day we had that nuclear holocaust. Yea I know that never happened, but that would be the only rational answer.

Sari-
2)I wont miss being a fancyface at work... I hate wearing suits.... it's CRAP!

Wacko Jacko Update

Jacko decided not to show up for court this morning. The judge issued an arrest warrant for him if he didn't arrive within an hour. Where did they think he went? Where is he really going unnoticed? Is he trying to make himself look bad? Not like he could possibly look any worse, not after what he did to his face. Oh wait... an update. He was taken to the hospital with back pain. Does he have his period? Take 2 midol and show up for court honey...

New Additions to the Quality Words list

The AQW, Academy of Quality Words has announced the newest additions to the list. The votes have been tallied up and the winners are only known to the accounting firm of Ernst and Young. Here they are... the first public announcement of the newest Quality Words...

Poop (as submitted by Kevin)
Fogey
Befuddle
Tinkle
Sippy Cup

Kidnap calamity

Al Queda was going to kidnap Russell Crowe? This is a joke, correct? Can anyone say they would have honestly cared? The reports say it was part of some "cultural destabilization" plot. So they came up with the bright idea to take one of our celebrities? If they took my iPod I'd cry, if they shut down McDonalds I'd cry, if they blacked out all of our digital cable I'd cry, but kidnapping Russell Crowe?... that really has no impact on my life whatsoever. They can have him! In fact while they're at it, can they take a few more really annoying egomaniac celebrities? I can have a list ready by 5PM...

3, Oh the Glee!

Jess-
3) Bus friends. I will always hold a special place in my heart for Terry who used to bring me chicken wings every week, silly hat man #2 whom to this day I do not know his name, big mouth woman who said she was preggers but I never saw her belly get any bigger, the 2 Hispanic guys who just stare, and Mike who talks to me the whole way home about his wife from Georgia... as in Georgia, Russia. Hard to keep a straight face when a guy's telling you about what's basically his mail order Russian bride. Gotta love the bus people.

Sari-
3) I will not miss waking up in the 5 o'clock hour every morning... never seeing the light of day, working 10 hours with no break, not even lunch... nope- won't miss it!

Careful what you read

“I saw Michael’s left hand in my brother’s underwear and saw his right hand in his [own] underwear,” said James, now a 14-year-old in the ninth grade. “He was masturbating. He was rubbing himself.”

Two days later, James claims nearly the same incident occurred. He left the main house and took a golf cart to get some chocolate from Jackson’s theater. When he returned, he again observed Jackson masturbating with one hand while the other explored the other boy’s underwear, according to James.

Absolutely disgusting, positively disturbing, life scarring mental image. Ew, ugh, bluch, yuck, yuch, ick... ICK! I feel like I need to douse my eyes with bleach and then use that little eye water fountain from high school science class after reading that. ::SHUDDER::

Weather or not

I've had about enough of these weathermen. And that completely gay Sam Champion "we are the champions" commercial on ABC... I can hardly keep my food down when that thing comes on. Is that supposed to be for real? Meteorology is SUCH a friggin joke. What the hell happened today boys? You said 1 inch on grassy surfaces starting at noon. However, while you were making yourself all purdy in your dressing rooms... we're getting 3-5 inches and it started at 10AM. Hello? That is a large discrepancy. If you guys can't make successful predictions or even educated guesses, just leave us all alone to fend for ourselves. The only prediction I want to hear comes from The Weather Girls... It's raining men. God bless mother nature.

4, One foot out the door

Jess-
4) The grease truck. The lunch truck that stops near my office and I have a love/hate relationship. The food is cheap and actually not that bad, but there are only so many days a week I can eat cheesy greasy quesadillas and end up wanting to throw up 2 hours later. I crave them full on knowing I will have THE WORST tummy ache after. I will miss that. Goodbye sweet quesadillas. Adios.

Sari-
4) I am not going to miss sitting next to a man with the worst gas problem I have ever encountered and a woman who stares at me all day long.

Ever see the commercial for natural gas heat where they tell you to call 1 800 I've got gas... love that commercial. I think Farty Boy might have to call...

Let's lose this dive, 5

Jess-
5) I guess every list deserves at least one positive. I hate being so negative all the time, it really brings down my serotonin levels. I will miss my co-worker P, Miss Patricia. Without her, I would have lost my mind here long, long ago. And I would have had to have eaten grease truck food 5 days a week, surely causing my immediate death. Ahh P, you and I, two peas in a pod... I will miss our banter. We are such bitches.
*names have been excluded to protect the flood phobic's

P: have you noticed that all of (*random co-worker's) pants are too short for her! its like she recently had a growth spurt
Jess: LOL!!! or maybe she's just scared of the impending flood
Jess: (*other random co-worker)'s are like that too
P: do they know?
Jess: I should lend them my rain boots!
Jess: growth spurt! HAHAHA
P: its funny b/c I notice it everyday!
Jess: (*random co worker) just hit puberty
P: HAHA!

Sari-
5) I will not miss being told that I am not permitted to take my hard earned vacation days, and that being with my family is not as important as the Devil being with her family... Grrrrrrrrr.

The devil A? I sense some bottled up animosity... let it out girl! GRRR!

Sit down into it: A picture is worth how many words?

Thanks to my friend Ehrlich for knowing so well how much I appreciate this kind of humor and hunting down this pic for me. Where to start? Phil, buddy. Listen... it doesn't have to be that painful. Come here, closer... closer. I want to whisper this one word in your ear Philly, but I demand that you stop touching yourself first. Ssshh... lubrication. There's no need to be embarrassed, we're all friends here. And maybe next time take off your pants first to avoid chafing? It could have been worse... it could have been Tiger behind you. You know what they say about going Black. Oh and while we're on topic... nice addition of the golf club prop! I'm impressed. Didn't know you swung that way...

Get in Your Last Licks, 6

Jessica-
6) Doing a job a Chimpanzee could do. Chimps aren't as funny as I am... but that's just a technicality. So I just found my job listed on monster.com... here's what it says...

Responsibilities:
- Keyword new images for weekly upload to website.
- Categorize, in Cumulus, each image chosen for the website.
- Upload all categories and keyword metadata to website, weekly or as needed.
- Edit photo shoots to select images for models personal use and send disks of images to models.
- Process all paperwork from in house and contract photographers.
-Assist with photo shoots when needed.

Qualifications:
- Strong technical skills: knowledge of Internet and database software as well as Word and Excel.
-Knowledge of database software such as Extensis & Cumulus a plus.
- Familiarity with MAC and windows operating systems.
- Highly organized, strong attention to detail, and the ability to multi-task are essential.
- Effectively work independently and also function as part of a team.
- Strong communication, both written and oral are essential.
- College degree a plus.

College degree a plus??? Wow my father will be thrilled he spent $120,000 on my education...

Sari-
6) ... she's still thinking about it. Oh wait, she has submitted "No more cookie passing out." I bet a Chimp would like cookies...

Splitty Pity

So sad. Two celebrity couples have called it quits today. Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are getting a divorce, and Katie Holmes and Chris Klein broke their engagement. The publicists are quoted as saying "They broke off the engagement but are remaining good friends". Puh-leese! I wish for once a publicist would just say... "They broke up and they hate each other. Katie is crying into her Ben and Jerry's with the help of Jared Leto and Chris has already been seen with Paris Hilton canoodling". We can handle the truth... I promise.

7 is heaven

Jessica-
7) Port Authority. My current home away from home. I hate it there. It's like a glorified truck stop. Knowing I won't have to go there everyday makes me want to scream out in glee like Liesl did right after Rolfe kissed her in the rain in The Sound of Music. In the morning it smells like bacon and at night it smells like popcorn. They know exactly how to torture me with their psychological food games. Worst place. But no more!! No more puke authority... authority of puke no more! The hills are alive!!

Sari-
7) No more dodging Peppermint Patties thrown by my boss at my head.

... Sari, I advise you start thinking of something for tomorrow... now. Maybe even jot it down?

Start the Countdown!

8 more days! From now on, one thing I will/won't miss about my current situation for everyday I have left.

8) Alarm clocks are the spawn of the devil. No more alarm at 6:10AM, opening my eyes, staring at the dark ceiling, saying Fuck, and dragging my miserable ass to the bathroom. No more happy and perky Steve Bartelstein and Lori Stokes at 6:15.

Jen chooses... herself?

I would have chosen Mr. Big... oh oops wrong show. I would have chosen Stu... ok wow totally kidding. Poor, poor Jerry. Being as hot as he is, and looking as much like my dream husband Josh Duhamel as he does... I genuinely felt bad for him last night as he received the "let's be friends" rejection from boob and nose job recipient and complete brat Jen Schefft on a live national tv broadcast. I fell off my couch in shock. I have so many questions! Why Jen why? Jerry can I have that ring instead? Am I really still watching this show? For the love of God somebody please do not allow me to watch the next season... I need to make a clean break. No more...