Pretty Young Thing

The Michael Jackson trial officially kicked off today with jury selection. This trial is sure to be a "Thriller"! Will he be a "Smooth Criminal" and get off, or will he end up in jail?? I mean, do you "Remember the Time" when the Michael Jackson we knew was either "Black or White" and would only touch "Dirty Diana", "Billie Jean", or Lisa Marie Presley? Did he really do this? If you "Wanna be startin something" career wise, this is usually not the way to do it. If you're gonna "Beat it" and you know which it i'm talking about, some advice... do it alone, not with small male children, they don't want to "Rock with You". Michael, no more do "You rock my world", now you just make me want to "Scream". Someone please tell me to stop, that was so "Bad", but take it all in, maybe read it once more and "Don't stop til you get enough"...

La Pew

So the new brotha at work wears WAY too much cologne. He sits decently far away and I can smell him from my desk. I could feasibly pass out. How can we tell him kindly to please spare us his scent? Any ideas?

More from Coat land

Every time I see that idiot doorman I wonder... did this other Jessica just move in? How did he not know she existed in the building? Mara suggested maybe he thought we were the same person...? What that I had two apartments in the same building? Sometimes I feel like an 8H and sometimes I feel like a 16J? When I feel the need to be closer to God, I go to my 16th floor apartment. Is that like my summer home?

How to be a Dick

Which one of these is not like the others?? Hmmm could it be the distaste and utter disgustingness of our newly re-elected regime? Not only did President Bush not attend the ceremonies marking the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, he sent his Dick instead. And what did the Dick show up in... surely not the attire that he wore to something that was clearly more important to history, the Inane-guration. I mean, let's keep our priorities in order! All the other world leaders are dressed respectfully, and the Dick... he's wearing an olive green parka complete with fur trim hood and his name embroidered on, hiking boots and a ski cap that said "staff 2001". According to one reporter, "The vice president, however, was dressed in the kind of attire one typically wears to operate a snow blower." Why oh Why am I not surprised?

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

Oh yes you know what day it is!! Sing along Fridays!! Sari has been waiting for this all day! Can you dig it? (we can dig it!)

He's a cold hearted snake, girl ___ ____ ___ ____...

Those were the best days of my life, oh yeah, back in ____ _____ ____ ____....

Ooooh here she comes, watch out boy she'll chew you up
Oh here she comes, ___ _ _______...

Friday night I crashed your party, _______ _ ____ __ _____...

Photo Op

Guess I didn't look hard enough for images of the Surf n Turf Sewer last night, because Kevin found they have an entire webpage! Who knew! Google must not list sleezy germ infested motel's webpages...


The pool looked much different when I was there with all the chairs floating in it that people had thrown off from the balcony of the second floor... not like I planned on going swimming regardless... just imagine the amount of disease in that water, and the people in Tsunami affected Asia think they've got it bad...

Snoring at the Sleezeside Surf n Turf Sewer

OMG! So Apprentice... they had to renovate motels in Seaside Heights, NJ. Well one team got the Surfside Motel, which looked suspiciously like the motel we stayed in after senior prom... and, upon closer consideration... it was. GOOD LUCK TO THEM, they've got their work cut out for them... here's an excerpt from the RTW I wrote about it 7 years ago...

May 25, 1998

I think I would welcome the idea of spending the night in a damp and rat infested gutter before I would EVER go back to The Surf n Turf Sewer. The stairs were barely cemented in, and as we sighed in relief of them not falling as we walked up, we noticed ourselves to be slightly lopsided… the second floor which was sticky from dried up beer and what have you, was also at a 15 degree angle, sideways and downwards leaning toward the pool.

Room 312… Let there be light? Nope, no bulb. Pillows? Oh yeah, we’ve got those… one for four people. There’s a refrigerator which upon opening leaked it’s rank odor of what smelled like 5 year old rotting dead people into the room, a television you have to pay to watch, an air conditioner with no knobs and the chain lock on the door is missing. Just as I was about to check the bed I would be forced to sleep on, Jaime comes running in claiming that there is gis in her bed in room 305… and it’s wet.

Room _ _ _, the 3, 0, and 5 were missing… It’s been confirmed. There is definitely something wet in her bed. They have a light though, and some really neat furniture. It looked like some wild animal came in and ate a big chunk out of the bottom of the nightstand, and the bathroom door had wooden planks covering up the bullet holes. When you closed the door, it almost went all the way through. Leah went in and began to wave at me through the big gap of space between the door and the molding. The ceiling was missing, revealing pipes and other assorted goodies, and the sink was growing green gunk and wasn’t even in the bathroom.

Sounds like a beach haven doesn't it???

The 80s Undressed

Debbie, or rather Deborah as she now prefers, Gibson is posing for the March edition of Playboy... "Naked" (which also happens to be the title of her new album and single). Is she trying to prove to us that she's still got her "Electic Youth"? I mean, this is so "Out of the Blue". I guess if you want to "Shake your Love" for everyone in the world, then go for it. Just make sure it's not a "Foolish Beat", because once we're "Lost in your eyes"... there's no turning back. OMG that was so incredibly gay, I am so sorry!

Just asking...

The suicidal man in California who parked his car on the rail tracks then chickened out as the trains approached is being charged with 11 counts of murder, rightfully mind you, and could be eligible for the death penalty. So instead of killing himself, he caused 11 others to die and the punishment is he gets what he set out to do in the first place? Ok so just asking, but isn't that a little redundant? Can't go through with it, get the state to do it? Would have been quicker if he just did it himself though, since he'd be next in line behind our boy Scotty P.

Inflaming my ulcer

Yes that's what my team almost did to me last night. When I was at the gym, we looked PA-thetic, losing to unranked Rutgers by 18 points. 18 points at the half!! My Gerry was shooting almost as bad as me on the court... but I kept the faith. And we came out of the locker room with a vengeance, barreling back and barely winning one that nearly caused me to chew off all of my nails. I screamed so loud, god only knows what the neighbors thought I was doing! First divi 1 to reach 20 wins this season! GO TEAM!

Year of the Delicious

Jess: I want my skittles
Jess: they are stuck in the machine
Jess: today is the WORST day
Sari: that happened to me last week!!!
Sari: my pretzels
Jess: I am a misery
Sari: y?
Jess: I wanty them
Sari: that is why you are miserable?
Jess: I sent Glynnis to shake free my candy, she is vicious
Sari: I hope it works!

5 minutes later...

Jess: ugh! I got the fruit snacks that fell out instead
Sari: HAHHAAHHAHAHA
Jess: not my skittles, they are still stuck
Jess: I am so sad
Sari: I like fruit snacks
Sari: they are delicious
Sari: they may be eaten in the year '05
Sari: since it is the year of the deliciousness
Jess: skittles are more delicious, taste the rainbow

Attn: 2 much txt msging is bad 4 ur health!

This just in! According to some doctors in Rome, excessive typing of text messages on a cell phone can result in acute tendonitis! You better spread the news, but call... don't text. My god, poor Stu... how ever will he communicate with the opposite sex?

Super Sports Corner

Chunky soup for everyone!! The Eagles are going to the Super Bowl! Atta boy Donovan! It's finally your year!

Vitamin Crack

Anyone know anything about this Vitamin Water junk? Because I had one last week and ever since then I can't stop thinking about it and I keep having to have it. Is there crack in it?? I really think there might be...! I mean, it can't possibly do what it says it's going to do like "revive" me or "focus" me... can it? This is better for you than regular water? But there's sugar in it, and calories? Someone please freaking tell me because I crave a big lemonade Multi-V one right now...

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

I think I have fallen in love with my iPod. It's bad... I am smitten. So in honor of the love of my life, I have deemed Fridays to be sing along days... because it'll be fun, stop being a party pooper! Usually all day I just annoy my friends on IM with my random lines from songs I'm listening to, but today it's been suggested I bother you with it too. Probably just so I'll leave them alone, meanies. So I made a fun game for you guys, let's get our feet wet with these fill in the blanks...

This is what it sounds like when ______ _____...

O Way, O way... O way ___ ___ ___...

Cover me, come to me, hold me, together we'll break these _____ __ ____...

The Inane-guration: A picture is worth how many words?

"Did ya'll ever hear the one about the chicken crossing the road... ugh, it gets me every time..."

American Idiots: It's not easy being a rat

Now... I know I promised I wasn't going to watch it... but for these 5 minutes alone, it was well worth it. Hands down one of the funniest un-scripted moments...

A 16-year-old named Jessica's horrifically squeaky and off key rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

Simon: "that was, honestly, excruciatingly awful,"
Paula: "Have you heard of voiceover work?"
Randy: "Cartoons, animation. Doing voices. 'Rugrats', or dogs, or whatever."
Simon: "So Jessica, is going to walk out of here and the advice you've given to her is that you can do a voiceover for a rat. Charming. Charming. I mean, great advice."
Paula: "Do you know how hard it is to get an agent and get commercials for that? It's great.... Do you know how hard it is to get a rat job?"
Simon: "You actually carried that on!"
Paula: "Do you know how hard it is to be a rat? Oh, God."

I'm sorry, but I'm still laughing.

Bush Inane-guration Gown

Welcome to the week of festivities we will call The Inane-guration. Yes tomorrow officially kicks off the start of 4 more years, ::dry heave::. While Bushie takes his oath of office to "do no harm", or is that the medical oath?, and celebrates the fabulous gift of himself for a week while our troops are off fighting his war, most of the population will decidedly be more interested in what the Bush twins are wearing to the balls. So fear not horny males... I have found the drawing of what one of the spawns of Bush will be sporting. Just remember while you're getting all hot over them these three letters... DNA. Nuff said.

American Idiots

In the immortal words of Mara... "STOP IT RIGHT NOW". I think my ears are still bleeding after they were assaulted for 2 hours watching American Idol last night. I can't anymore, I just can't. Yes it's funny, ok fine it's hysterical... but it's also so very painful. I think I need to take tonight off or my ears may never forgive me. There are some sick people in this country if they think what they were doing could be categorized as singing. It sounded to me more like a form of torture or a call to all stray cats. I walked away from the tv for a while and I could have sworn I heard Ashlee Simpson audition...

F*cking Stu: Week Two

Prognosis: Rejected!! And he didn't even get to French her... sucker.
New nicknames: "I love you" Stu, Stu the serial starer
Things I noticed that I hadn't before: he has a very creepy serial killer like stare, he talks A LOT and too much with his hands, strange feminine tendencies
What happened: Well, in short, he got axed. He must have serial stared at some producer's wife or taken some case against ABC because they really did a number on him. In his defense, and not because I think he's a nice person, there really wasn't enough evidence to brand him a "stalker". Yes he was creepy, but so were a ton of the other guys. One of them gave her a necklace that matches the one he wears which was his mom's and he buried her in his... ok that's creepy. Another one asked her to autograph and kiss his Knicks ticket... also creepy. One more told her he spoons and cuddles with his dog? The commercial ABC was running was totally misleading. I thought Stu would be skulking around in the shadows, sneaking into her room to serial stare at her sleeping, text messaging her night and day, or stealing her panties and walking around with them in his pocket or something. What a let down. Although if Stu had just learned when to keep his mouth shut, he wouldn't have said these winners:

-"I am absolutely, completely in love with Jen"
-"Honestly, I feel like she's completely in love with me and I'm going to make sure she knows"
-"I want to know her favorite color, whether she likes vanilla or chocolate ice cream, crunchy or creamy peanut butter..."

Ok first off, she's in love with you but she doesn't know it yet?? What? Wow that kinda makes you think... imagine how many people you're in love with and you just don't know it!! Seriously, do you know how many people I'm in love with? I guess neither do I, because I just don't know it yet! Scary. Second, for the record Stu, I like chocolate, creamy, and black. Oh and isn't it chunky not crunchy?? I dunno, maybe not, he's the one with the law degree...

Overall joke of the night: Jen missed out on a lifetime of text messaging and sharing Kiehls products.

I'm kinda sad to see him go, who will we make fun of next week?? Oh well, there's always the "Men tell all" special, where Stu can stare into the camera and use his hands to plead that he's not a stalker... should be funny!

Golden Advice

Marishka - I love you darling. I've seen all your re-runs and no doubt you deserve that statue, but for crying out loud... put on some pasties! Nobody heard a word of your acceptance speech because we were all too busy staring at your nipples, you should have thanked them too...

Annette Benning - I don't think I've heard a more boring acceptance speech. It was like you paused 5 seconds after every word, were you drunk? If you were showing some nipple, it would have been easier to sit through...

Lisa Marie Presley - Eee Gad! The part of Batman has already been cast, next time you can leave your cape at home. I promise really, leave it at home.

William Shatner - Either you were really high, or you had pink eye. How can you see out of those little slits you had?

Diane Keaton - Can't we buy you something that a woman would wear? Something... remotely bordering on feminine? Instead of these gender bending outfits you insist on wearing. And while we're at it, there really was no need to yell while presenting. Inside voices only please.

Learnyface Corner

Last night I decided to become Mrs. Cohol, Mrs. Al Cohol. Never drink a whole bottle of wine by yourself... from the bottle, after drinking 3 large vodka pineapples. According to witness accounts, we got into a cab and a guy tried to get in also and say he was going to Brooklyn. Mara told him we weren't going to Brooklyn but he kept insisting, while I just kept saying "go away, just get out". Then everytime the cab stopped at a red light, I said goodbye to Mara and tried to get out. I slept in a scarf. I also had a dream that I couldn't open the door to my apartment so I laid on the floor in my hallway and cried... at least I hope that was a dream...

Moral of the story? I didn't unplug the fridge, try to purchase drinks with my license, or attempt to sleep outside in the mud, but I think this one ranks right up there with those... don't drink

Yea, uh, Nazi such a great idea...

Just when you thought stupidity could not possibly be anymore blatant... Prince Harry thought it'd be funny/amusing/fashionable/tasteful/not captured by the paparazzi/controversial/thought provoking?? to dress like a Nazi at a formal party complete with a swastika arm band. I'd love to ask what he was thinking, but it seems to me that any thought whatsoever had no place in this decision. That's not even remotely funny, it's so beyond not funny and unthinkable that it's positively revolting. What in the heckfire would motivate someone to do such a thing? Who goes into a costume shop, wait was it even a costume party?, and says hmmm what do you have?? Superhero, mask and cape set, I was looking for something a little edgier. Oh wow is that an Osama Bin Laden outfit over there?, ya know what... fuck it, just hit me up with the Hitler costume, he killed more innocent people for no reason... might as well aim high! No excuse, none. I for one couldn't care less how many times he apologizes, he is a disgusting individual.

The Work Moon-o-meter: Scale Defined

Sari: how about this:
Sari: my boss looks up at me and holds out a box of girl scout cookies and asks me "would you hand these out there"...
Sari: I said "I'm sorry- u want me to hand out cookies?"
Sari: he said yes
Sari: I said, uh - I am actually doing work- I can't hand out cookies for you right now
Jess: WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jess: noooooooo
Jess: he wanted you to serve cookies to people like a cocktail fucking waitress??
Sari: yes
Mara: ask him if he wants you to put on the little green dress
Mara: "you guysssss want some cookies"
Jess: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jess: it's cookie time, it's cookie time, it's COOOKIE TIME!


I think we need to define the scale so we're all on the same page.
Moon-o-meter alert scale (as developed by me and Sari):
1 - Why me?
2 - Just roll your eyes
3 - Nobody else thinks this sucks besides me
4 - E-mail a few co-workers to bitch
5 - E-mail all your friends at other companies to bitch
6 - Still talking about it a few hours later
7 - Call your mom and cry
8 - SHUT THE HELL UP! That did NOT just happen!
9 - Time to quit/moon!
10 - Burn the office down

It gets a 5 for being hilarious. Not terribly annoying because she didn't actually do it, but just for the potential mortification factor, I give it a 5.

One lucky soldier... The Reply

When going thru my mail last night, I came upon one addressed to me in my own handwriting. At first I was completely stumped. I had one bill, two bills, another bill... then the one I had seemingly written to myself. Wait, is it possible to bill yourself for something?? Did I do this as a joke when I was drunk one night? Until I realized it was the SASE I had sent to my soldier! I had gotten a reply! My soldier's name is Joanna Orozco, 24, from California and she's in the Navy currently stationed on the USS Abraham Lincoln in the Indian Ocean. I was kinda hoping my soldier would be a big brave MALE on the front lines in Iraq, and that he'd say Kabul in his letters because I think it sounds funny... but I guess wannabe military pen pals cannot be choosers. She seems really cool and I'm definitely going to write her again!

What's on my iPod?: Go Janey!

Great totally 80's movie "Girls just want to have fun" with a young Shannon Doherty, Helen Hunt and Sarah Jessica Parker. SJP wants to try out for a dancing television show, but her military Dad is very strict, so she busts out of Catholic school with Helen Hunt, that badass, to go try out. Excellent movie. "Dancing in Heaven" the theme song to the DTV tryouts just came on, and I totally want to get up and do the audition dance... it really is becoming quite hard to hold back...

F*cking Stu: Week One

Prognosis: Not so good.
New Nickname: Stalker Stu, Stuart Little the intense scary stalker mouse.
Things I noticed that I hadn't before: He has funny ears that should probably be pinned back.
What happened: He did get a rose, but didn't come out looking so rosy. Actually I believe they used the words "creepy" and "stalker". OUCH. Almost feel for the guy - although he either said what he said, or agreed to say it, so it's his own fault. Here are some of his gems from the evening...

- "I'm so ready to take this to the next level"
- "I watched Jen on The Bachelor religiously and I've been thinking about her since then"
- "If I don't get a rose, I'm going to be crushed"

According to my friends, he also dropped the L word... but I must have been distracted from laughing so hard during that part. We should also quickly discuss how hot Jerry is... yum yum gimme some, the overwhelming favorite of the group of 10 girls that were gathered in my apartment picking apart the poor 25 guys with no mercy.
Then at the "most shocking" rose ceremony yet, after one of the guys passed out and fell over... which looked much funnier in the previews, Stu stood there looking like an intense scary mouse while 14 roses were given out. I thought he was going to shit himself, but then she called his name last.
Overall joke of the night: Between the guy falling over and Stu being called an intense stalker, the whole thing reminded me of one of those Southwest airlines commercials "Wanna get away?"?? They might want to after this show airs...
What the others had to say:
Sari: Stu hugs women like he would hug a buddy... he is gay

Mom: you dated a "stalker"!

Mara: you should text message him and write "What up creepy, how you been?", they made fun of him on Regis and Kelly this morning!

Staci: if the words, "creepy" "stalker" "scary" were used to describe me on national television, I would probably crawl into a hole and never come out again

Ali: oh my godddddddddd

Dog Days

Sari: Nicole, Chowder, and I are going to watch on your bed
Sari: But chowder is a bed hog, so maybe he will hang on the floor
Sari: ok so- Chowder me and Nicole are bringing doritos and hugs
Sari: (notice that I keep saying Chowder even though he wasn't invited!)
Jess: haha yea I didn't see him on the evite
Sari: he wont come then
Sari: he will just cry
Sari: cuz Auntie Jessy doesnt love him
Jess: I didn't say I didn't love him, I just wasn't aware he was coming
Sari: do u want him there?
Jess: I'm not sure how everyone coming feels about dogs

Nicole: did you shadily find out about Chowder?
Sari: yeah
Nicole: and?
Sari: Jessy thinks that people might be frightened
Nicole: what? Frightened?
Nicole: so you didn't shadily find out!
Nicole: did you!
Nicole: you POINT BLANK asked~!
Sari: yes I did, after I shadily asked
Nicole: so how did you shadily ask
Nicole: did you say... suppose someone brings a 4 legged creature?

Mara: nicole is asking me
Jess: I am trying so hard not to laugh
Mara: suppose someone would bring someone else and they have dog breath?

Jess: fine he can come but no eating jessy's animals, he has to be well behaved
Sari: he will be!
Nicole: ah-ha!
Nicole: i KNEW it!
Nicole: it is not that people are frightened
Nicole: it is that she doesn't want him to chew on her stuffed cat!
Nicole: he doesn't like cats!
Sari: hahahahahah
Jess: OMG if he eats Smokey he is going to learn what it's like to fly out the window

Sports Corner: Randy Thug Stylin

Just when you thought Mikeyface hated Sports Corner, he turns around and sends an email video of Randy Johnson's welcome to New York party this afternoon. Apparently the "Big Unit", and I'm going to keep my perverse big unit/Johnson connotations to myself (too late), was in town for his physical and decided to get physical with some CBS2 cameramen and reporters on Madison. Calm down Randy, you're not in the Bronx yet... it's only Madison Avenue. At the end of the video after the camera guy was manhandled, you just hear him say "yea, Welcome to New York!" Damn CBS can't seem to stay out of trouble... those crazy reporters...

Blog it like it's Hot

Today marks RTW's 200th anniversary! I can't even believe it myself... that's enough material for like 5 novels! Well, I'll keep writing if you keep reading... deal?

Don't forget to check out the link to the RTW archives for this week's special encore of the F*cking Stu edition, and check out The Bachelerette tonight at 9PM on ABC! Obviously I'll be running commentary on it tomorrow... like I could resist...!

Mrs. Jessica Pitt

HOLY MOLY! Ladies... drop everything, especially your boyfriends and your pants... Brad Pitt is gonna be single!!! I told you 2005 was gonna be great! Was this because Jen didn't want to have his kids... if so... I will happily volunteer to sacrifice myself for the task. Jennifer Aniston is a fool... FEWL! Don't you just love my ghetto photoship skillz...

BS for CSI

Let's be upbeat today, shall we?! Besides, it's Friday! Only happy thoughts! Ok so on that note, the bestest news!! There are reports that Britbrit wants to be a forensic scientist!! Whatever you do... DON'T get killed because she'll totally screw up the investigation. Yes after watching "CSI", she decided it'd be really cool to do that... and being the famous pop star that she is, clearly she could just snap her fingers and become one overnight because she feels like it. Is that how she decided she wanted to become an actress too? She watched "Joey"? But wait... what if she flips the channel to "American Idol"... god help us all... oh shit that must have already happened... so this is how we got ourselves into this mess

Remorse??

Was that really mean... now I feel kinda bad! I'm a nice person, really I am! Whatever, he set himself up for public scrutiny when he went on a reality dating show... so I am free to scrutinize! Long live scrutiny! Party's still on!

Verizon Wireless' favorite person

T minus 4 days and counting til the F*cking Stu Debut Party! I am raring to go! Randomly saw him on the street the other day and walked an extra block out of my way to make sure it was really his pompous ass on his cell phone, then when he spotted me he started walking really slowly and must have ducked into a store. Oh Stu, you can't escape me that easy sugarpie, I'm having the whole city over to make fun of you Monday! How "classy" of me!

I just went to the bachelorlette page on abc.go.com to see if they'd posted his Bio yet, and got really excited because the pictures are up... but alas the bios are not yet. So instead, I did him the favor of writing one for him myself... hope he likes it.

F'ing Stu, from a town near Phili but I say I'm from Phili because that's cooler right? I went to Emory and Emory law. I'm a lawyer and that makes girls swoon, as do my really big muscles. I wear blue shorts to the gym. I pretend to like people, when really all I'm after is some really erotic text messaging... I love text messaging, yes, I'm a textomaniac. My name is Stu, and I'm a lying, scumbucket, sack of shit, textomaniac. Jen pick me, pick me!... but make sure you have the text plan on your phone first because I haven't learned how to communicate like a normal person yet!