Oh woe is me. I hate my life. I have this great new palace, with tons of room to roam around, much to explore, endless toys, and a brand new couch to monopolize. But, I don’t have any friends. When SHE leaves, I am alone. So very alone. O solo mio, with no animal pals. Playing with the stuffed dog, weirdly small cat with no whiskers, and red felt crab thing is only fun for so long since they don’t play back. They just fucking lay there like pansies! WTF I’m biting you, say something! And now that it seems SHE’s gotten a life, I spend a lot more time solo, moping around. So I must find ways to amuse myself or allow my despair to envelop me and remove myself from this cruel, cruel world. Can’t you see I am crying out for help here?
The other night while she was out and I was spiraling downward in my heart of loneliness, I decided to end it all. I opened up the freezer with my nimble paws and I looked inside. Brrrr man. Why is it so cold in that cubby? I wasn’t sure I wanted to go in there, I have very delicate fur that is most likely prone to frostbite, so I decided to just go back to my couch and sleep it off. When she got home, she was too busy on the phone to give me my proper greeting until she noticed the wide open freezer door. She was definitely talking to the resort worker she keeps referring to as my “grandma” because I could hear screaming and shrieking coming through the phone and something about “he could have killed himself!!!!!!!!!!!!,” and “I love that little man. You’re gonna have to lock the freezer!!!!!!!!!” This sent me into a frisky tizzy. Lock the freezer!? SHE’S crying and begging me not to hurt myself, the phone is now squawking about “bungee cords and duct tape,” and you are wondering why I wanted out of this life??...
