The New Me

I love when the gay guy at work is the only one who notices I dyed my hair 2 shades darker and slightly redder yesterday. I certainly hope there's a gay guy at my new job to notice these things. OH wait... I forgot to tell ya'll... I GOT A NEW JOB! Mere caps lock cannot express my overwhelming excitement! I will warn you that the blog might suffer in the first weeks of my new job, seeing how it's really not that appropriate to be doing that at work... but I will not forget about you! You'll still get RTW... unless I become a boring freak, but we all know that isn't likely! I've got new hair, a new job... and a whole new adventure to look forward to. Out with the old, in with the new!

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

I don’t care if Monday’s blue,
Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too,
Thursday I don’t care about you...
It’s Friday I’m in love!

Sing it with me now!

Just a fool to believe, she's ____ ___ _____...

I can tell you my love for you will still be strong, after the ____ __ ______ ___ ____...

It's been seven hours and 15 days since ___ ____ ____ ____ ____...

Debut of The Quality Words list

Sari and I have started our very own "Quality Words" list. I wish I could explain to you the qualifications words have to meet to make the list... but there really aren't any. We just have to like the word. We are odd, but you knew this already. I prefer to think of it as cute and quirky, but you can think whatever you wish. Here's the list so far... drumroll please...

Vehemently
Congeal
Plop
Duck

We will accept submissions to the "Quality Words" list and review them at our leisure. Good Luck!

Eyewitness Idiots

Which one of these guys knows what they're talking about?? Snow at noon? It's 3:00 boys, I see 3 flakes... Bill, Lee, and Sam. Oh you thought I meant snowflakes? My Accu-track radar is saying you guys SUCK! How am I supposed to leave at 4:00 with just random flurries coming down? The only good thing about working in Jersey, is watching my co-workers standing by the window right now for the last 15 minutes, willing the snow to come down so they can make a case for going home early. If they know a snow dance and they're holding out on me... they're in trouble. I think in my professional opinion that I should still leave early, just as a precaution... oh and the fact that I want to go to the gym... that too...

Who's that doggy in the window?

Oh Dog! I finally got to see that little munchkin Ella Rose last night! I cannot put into words how ridiculously cute this dog is. I wanted to put her in my bag and dognap her! I even picked her up, which I don't usually do with animals... until Jaime thought to inform us that poor Ella pees all over herself since she's so low to the ground and oh look, that's why her whole bottom is yellow. Oh really? Wow, might have been useful info to have known BEFORE...! Oh dog, doggy dog dog... you're still cute anyway and Aunt Jessica will come back to play when you learn not to urinate on yourself...

Touchy Feely

The Jury is set. His public lynching, oops I meant trial, could start as early as next week. This is what they're reporting on MSNBC...

"Among the jurors were a woman who said her grandson was required to register as a sexual offender because of a crime; a woman who said she was related to the pilot of Flight 93, one of the planes that went down on Sept. 11; a 20-year-old man who likes "The Simpsons" TV show; and a man who is interested in Western art and country music. One of the jurors had been asked during selection if he recognized celebrity witnesses in the case including self-help guru Deepak Chopra. He responded, "I think he's a rapper."

A 20 year old man who likes "The Simpsons"? Someone interested in country music? Who the fizzuk is Deepak Choppy? What the hell does any of this have to do with Wacko Jacko... everyone's favorite Touchy Feely clown, getting little boys drunk, showing them porn and touching their Never Lands? I would really like to know. They were upset there were no Blacks on the jury. Also gonna need an explanation on that one. Mikey isn't Black... anymore. Really, what the hell is Mikey now? The only reasonable thing I can think of, is that they wanted at least one representative of each race so that someone would think of him as their own... sadly, no plastic patchwork mutants with strange noses made the cut. Poor Mikey.

Another installment of the Work Moon-o-meter

Today must be national make fun of Jessy day. Couldn't someone have warned me of this? I figured there would be a ton of snow out in Jersey today, so I wore my brand new bright pink rubber rain/snow boots. They are pink and shiny and pretty!!... and they reek to holy hell like rubber, they smell like a really big condom. At least I thought they were cute, until my MEAN boss comes in and says, "nice boots, are you planning on going wading in a river?" How rude!!! It took all of my self control not to respond "nice hair, are you planning on time traveling back to 1985?"... but I didn't. Then on my way back from lunch, someone else was like "wow nice boots, are you expecting a flood?" According to the work moon-o-meter scale, this rates a 7... because I cried to my mom when she im'd me to ask if there were slush puddles in the city and I was wearing my boots. Mean, mean people! They're cute I say!

T Mobile: Get More... naked Paris

Someone hacked into Paris Hilton's sidekick? (sorry I had to leave the room to roll on the floor laughing... I'm back now). Were they dying to know when to add the fabric softener or how to test the ripeness of melons?? Really all they found were some celebrity phone numbers and pictures of Paris' ripe melons. Shouldn't come as much of a surprise to anyone that Paris has naked pictures of herself on her PDA, they're everywhere else so why the hell not! Doesn't everyone have that? Or, uh... I mean, certainly I don't, no... not anymore. Please, I bet you Paris did this herself as a publicity stunt, then tried to claim she was hacked so we'd all feel bad for her and not wonder why she bothers to ever wear clothes in the first place. There's a valuable lesson to be learned here... don't give your password out EVER. Sari gave me her password to her Gmail account once, I'm gonna go hack it now... naked pictures of her will be posted to the internets shortly...

F*cking Stu: Tells All

After reprising his role last night on "The Men tell All" Bachelorette special as reality tv's most beloved stalker and number 1 resident in fantasy Stu-land ("I'm totally in love with Jen, and she's in love with me too, she just doesn't know it yet.."), I am just left with a few lingering questions...

Stu, was that a velvet blazer you were wearing?
How much would I have loved to have been in that audience?
Can I please get an estimate of the amount of time Stu has logged in the tanning booth in the past week?
Fabrice is widely rumored to be gay, and he ended up being assigned to room with Stu? Coincidence? They'd actually be quite cute together...
How funny was it when they asked Fabrice why he was freaked out to learn that 2 of the guys on the show were still virgins and his response was "I've never heard of such a thing!"
How equally funny was it when they showed a clip of one of the virgins claiming his "body is not a carnival ride that is just come up and pull the ticket and wait your turn"... and then the host asked "what if in a few years you realize your body is actually a carnival ride and you've been missing out all these years..."

Yes, sadly I still watch this show... oh and I really like riding the ferris wheel...

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

Baby if you give it to me, I'll give it to you... I know what you want... you want Sing Along Fridays!! So you shall have it, I say!

And honey I said, little ___ _____, baby you're ____ ___ ____...

Hello?, is it __ _____ _____ ___...

_____ ___ _____?, I want to free my soul...


I haven't quite figured out why it is now insisting the picture come after the text... but I hate it and rest assured I am working on it...

Quickies

A new British study says taking birth control pills alters women's taste in men. "In other words, men who look healthy and strong are appealing; men who look ill are not." They needed to perform a study for this? If the only thing causing you to shy away from "ill" looking men is a pill... something is severely wrong. Who isn't attracted to sickly looking men? I like mine as close to death as possible...

Speaking of British and men, actor Alan Cumming, who apparently notably played a desk clerk in "Eyes Wide Shut" and I'm sure had a cameo in "Love Actually"... since every other British person was in it, has come out with his own cologne line. Named... ok one guess? Give up? "Cumming". If my sickly man smelled like cumming... wow, it'd be really hard to control myself. I'm sure the holiday gift set comes with the body lotion they named "Cumming All Over" and personally I'd also add a shower gel I would dub "Cumming in the shower" or an after shave balm "Cumming on your face". Imagine if they made a suppository... ok I know, I wish I could take that back too, but I already put it out there, so just laugh...

Have Faith

This just in... George Michael is quitting pop music!! Was he still doing pop music and we just didn't know? Can we go on without him? Well at any rate, he's quitting. I would quit too if I looked like that. What a very unflattering photo... he looks really old. And besides, he has two first names... what's up with that? I will always remember you George Michael, for making me very uncomfortable every time "I want your sex", or that line about being naked in "Father Figure" came on when I was younger and in the car with my mom... your legacy lives on buddy!

Dollface

Mara: tell him to shut his pie hole unless he wants a case of wayne brady bobbleheads anonymously sent to him in the mail
Jess: you have those?????
Jess: i want!!!
Mara: i do!
Mara: they're fabulous
Jess: I WANT ONE!!
Mara: hes singing into a mic....and my boss covered his face once with a cutout of Clay
Jess: i need that doll ASAP
Jess: mer gency
Mara: hmmmmm what do I get
Jess: um....
Mara: a free dinner in san marco island perhaps???
Jess: hmmm i can arrange that
Mara: hmmmm that seems too easy
Jess: i said arrange it...
Jess: and what did people lay claim to these dolls already? they're that popular?
Jess: is there a waiting list?
Jess: is it like a birkin bag???????????

Sari: whatcha doin?
Jess: trying to persuade mara to give me a wayne brady bobble head doll
Sari: lol
Sari: seriously...?

Toon Time

Oy vey. Would you let someone who looked like that anywhere near your kid? And we used to think clowns were scary! No don't adjust your monitor, the cartoon image is actually a 100% likeness of what Jacko really looks like... who else can you say that about?

ExtravaDANZA

Yes people, that will be what I will look like in the very near future! Except I won't be blonde, the bikini will be white and I'll have a drink in my hand and some hot friends with me. Tony Danza, my funny Valentine, has given me a free trip to San Marco Island, Florida!!! It's ok, you don't have to hide it, I can see your jealousy from here! But... since all of us get our own rooms... I am now accepting applications from people who would like to crash in my room. You'd have to pay your own airfare and of course meet the stringent application guidelines instilled by muah... but hey, it might be worth a shot! Best of luck to you!

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

I didn't forget about you! How could I forget it's finally Friday! Time to sing, sing a song! And guess what? You can now post without having a blogger account! Isn't that GREAT!! I think you should... post! DO IT! Good luck players...

Won't you pick the pieces up, cuz it feels just like ___ _______ __ _______ ______

Hands, touching hands, reaching out, _______ ___, ________ ___.... _________ _______

Everybody's doing a brand new dance now, come on baby __ ___ _________

Hold me closer Tony Danza...

Valentine's Day this year might not be so bad after all! I'm going to the Tony Danza show! For your tivo-ing pleasure, in case I show up on tv again like Leah and I did when we went to see The View, the show is on ABC at 10AM. I will be wearing pink, which is against my personal valentine's day beliefs, but apparently it's a requirement and who am I to mess with daytime talk show attire. Ellen is giving out diamonds... I better be getting fabby gifts too...



like these ;-) ...

Menage a Trois: A picture is worth how many words?

"I'm not gay, I'm just happy... and boy look how happy I look right now! Oh Felicity, how I've longed for you... to smell your ear. You smell divine... like lavendar, like lillies!"

Ok wow, I'm sorry but after a week of lesbian rumors circulating around... shouldn't Kimberly Mansini not put herself in this position? She really should have just shook their hands or slapped them five... she looks WAY too lusty and lesbo-ey. Why are her eyes closed!!?? Her PR person probably gouged both of their eyes out when they saw this. This picture is hotter than Marisa and Alex kissing on OC last night... no comparison. Just look at Kimberly Mansini... better yet look at Felicity! She's like "uhhh... maybe the rumors ARE true..."

The week of the Androgynous: More gender bending

8:15 AM
Jess: ok seriously... don't laugh...
Jess: promise not to?
Sari: no
Jess: ok... I feel really dumb... is dame edna a man?? someone at work said she's a drag queen... and I really have to know...
Sari: ARE U KIDDING ME?!?!
Sari: Of course she is a man!
Sari: {{{{{{{{{Jessica}}}}}}}}}}
Jess: well she makes a very pretty lady
Sari: HAHAHAHAHA
Sari: LOVE YOU!
Sari: special girl
Jess: I ride the short bus
Sari: yes, yes you do
Jess: I wasn't completely oblivious... I went back and forth
Sari: did you ask Mara?
Jess: no

12:15 PM - E-mail
Mara: Im having a slight issue here! I was talking to someone about the play last night and I was still a little confused when we left as to whether or not Dame Edna was a man or a woman... I had thought that I heard once that it was a man (like one of the most famous drag queens around) but then last night I wasn't sure. Especially after hearing her talk about Velma, and Kenny! SO we went online to look and it said Barry Humphries...and it was in the playbill! I looked at who's who in the cast and it listed them separate and two TOTALLY different autobiographies... but apparently it's the same person...HELP!!!

Sari: omg
Sari: did you get Maras email?
Jess: no... ??
Jess: STOP I just got it
Jess: IS SHE KIDDING?? DID YOU TELL HER I DIDNT KNOW???
Jess: are you punking me??
Sari: NO!
Jess: I HATE BOTH OF YOU!
Sari: it is not a trick, I swear
Jess: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Jess: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!?
Mara: completely
Jess: HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH
Jess: I AM DYING!!!
Jess: I had no idea and I asked Sari this morning and she made me feel SOOO STUPID
Mara: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jess: I thought I was the only idiot!
Mara: so how does she have children?
Jess: maybe she made that up!
Jess: Sari LAUGHED at me, then she asked if I told you, and I said no bc I was SO barassed!

Sari: oy, you two, my special friends
Jess: i am comforted by the fact that i'm not the only one with special needs...
Sari: I am obsessed with my special friends
Sari: I think we need to have a little sex ed class... Ill teach- you guys just bring your books

Mara: Jessica I'll meet you outside the short bus at 4PM, we are special...

The Queen of Queens

If you were one TV character, who would you be? I took the OC personality quiz a while back, and I'm Seth... but I've never read a comic book in my life, although I wouldn't mind if Ryan lived with me! I also took the Desperate Housewives quiz and I am Lynette... which is completely false. I would not be the stay at home mom who has 5 kids and always looks like hell. Neither of those really work for me. When I was getting coffee this morning, my boss' boss shared with me that every time he watches "The King of Queens" he thinks I remind him of the wife, Leah Remini. He thinks I look like her. Other people have told me her character and I have the same personality. So... I guess it's not all bad. I think she's pretty and spunky... besides... you can't beat reminding people of Staci Carosi...

A Dame good Time

Hello Possums! Thanks to the generosity of the Witover clan, I got to experience Dame Edna on Broadway last night... and an experience it was. At first I was a little frightened, the purple hair, the crazy glasses, the fact that because I am a complete retard I'm probably the only one who wasn't 100% aware that she's a drag queen. I know you are laughing at me right now but be kind possums, I'm not THAT stupid, I had my inklings... unfortunately I just needed them confirmed. Strangely enough, one of the dancers in the show was a model on one of my company's shoots not long ago. Anyway, I highly recommend seeing the show. It was absolutely hysterical... even though the theater smelled like moth balls...

WTF?

Now that I'm back on AIM, I thought we should discuss this article I saw on MSNBC. It's about text messaging and IM lingo, and if you thought you knew... you have no idea. BRB, TTYL, LOL... those are about the only ones I know and I would consider them pretty tame. But alas, there are so many more to incorporate into daily IM conversations... if you're having a dirty torrid online affair with someone you don't know while you're at work.

AWGTHTGTTA - Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again, ok first off... by the time you memorize and type that whole schpiel out, you could have just said it word for word
BOHICA - Bend Over Here It Comes Again... I'm still trying to figure out why anyone would say that in the first place?
CTC - Choking The Chicken... always a personal favorite of mine when people write that to me
GYPO - Get Your Pants Off... definitely one to remember for future use
NIFOC - Nude (naked) In Front Of The Computer... is there a time when I'm not?
TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me... YES! YES!

And now for the big finale:

AWGTHTGTTA? TDTM!! Right now I am NIFOC... ;-). You should GYPO and BOHICA, or are you too busy CTC? oh well, enjoy that, TTYL!

AIM-ergency

TOTAL EMERGENCY! AIM hated me this morning. It went bezerk and let me sign on but I couldn't see my buddy list. Obviously that is unacceptable. Then we had a huge fight and it wouldn't let me sign on for 2 HOURS! I don't think you understand the enormity of that situation. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was like a crack addict in withdrawal. What would I do without my AIM fix?? I just sat here and stared at it, begging to know why it was doing this to me. WHY?? I think I had a panic attack... something is wrong with me, that is not normal behavior. I'm sure AIM and I will make up, but for now... I still harbor resentment...

Blowin Up

Apparently there's some excitement here today. Some guy at the company that shares our building got fired and threatened to come back and blow everyone's head off. Isn't that just grand!!?? So there are cops outside with a K9 unit. Meanwhile I had no idea any of this was going on until just now... and I seem to have left my bullet proof button down at home today. Can this warrant going home? I think yes, I would like to go home now to my apartment where nobody in a 500 foot vicinity wants to kill me... at least I don't think. Um so yea, I'd rather not be here right now because frankly, I like my head and I would really enjoy keeping it.

Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're at a Girly Super Bowl Party...

10. Conversation goes like this: "Wow, look at his ass in spandex"
9. The question of the night isn't if T.O. will play, it's if D.H. (Desperate Housewives) is a repeat.
8. There are decorations and team plates and napkins.
7. Lots of talk about how the losing team just needs a hug.
6. When they mention the passing of Tom Brady's grandmother, everyone gets teary eyed.
5. The snacks consist of Valentine's day pink and white cupcakes.
4. Stuffed animals were also invited to attend.
3. People are wearing their team colors right down to a green or blue thong.
2. After 3 beers, everyone is passed out by halftime.
And the number one sign You're at a Girly Super Bowl Party...

1. The breasts in the room do not belong to Janet Jackson.

Seeing things

Sari just sent me this link where someone is selling a piece of toast with the likeness of Osama bin Laden on it on Ebay! Last night when I was in the shower, I thought I saw someone's face in one of my marble shower tiles and I wondered how much I could sell it for on Ebay. I don't know who it was that I thought I saw... but who cares right? True story.

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

Wow you know you're popular when people start emailing you thinking you've been kidnapped because there are no new posts on the blog! Fear not my adoring public... I have not been kidnapped, you can call off the troops! Here I am! I am here! And guess what... it's Friday!! You know what that means... sing along time! I might have to start making these harder... wait til the week I do all Celine Dion songs.. that will separate the real men from the... girly men?

Big wheels keep on turning, ______ ______ _____ __ ______...

Even if he promised me the world, just remember I'm _______ ____ _____...

Just a small town girl livin in a lonely world, she took the ________ ______ _____ _______...

What's on my iPod?: Lyric Explain

Jess: wanna be startin something... you're a vegetable
Sari: you're a haaeeehooo
Jess: hahaha
Jess: you're hard to get over, but you love to get under
Sari: lol
Jess: i like the you're a vegetable part
Jess: what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Jess: is that a compliment?
Sari: haha I have no idea
Sari: but its foonay
Jess: mama se mama sa mama coo sa

Nicole: youre a festival
Jess: festival??
Jess: it sounds like vegetable
Jess: lol
Jess: are you sure???
Nicole: i am sure!
Jess: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nicole: doesn't it make more sense
Jess: STOP!! HAHAHHA
Nicole: youre a festival
Nicole: mama say ma ma sah mama ma koo sa
Jess: yea, i'm sorry but I still really don't get it...
Jess: vegetable was funnier
Nicole: yes it was
Jess: you're a carrot

Fate of the Union

"Looky here! I just wanted to show ya'll this ant I found crawling across my speech, can you see the little sucker? I moved these here glasses down my nose so I could show him to ya'll... don't I look like a brainiologist?"

Thank god for cable television, otherwise we'd all be stuck with nothing to watch tonight besides the "Fate of the Union" address. Bushie plans to announce how he's going to take over the entire world in just four short years, one ranch at a time. Cowboy up! Hopefully the Dick will show up in full snow blower attire! Too bad "Lost" is a repeat because I'd much rather watch Bushie get dropped onto the island and get eaten by Lostzilla. Talk about a ratings winner!

I've had my Phil

Screw Punxsutawney Phil, and yes I did copy and paste that spelling from CNN, no way could I spell that on my own people. So if he sees his shadow we get more winter, or if he doesn't see his shadow we get more winter? Which is it? Either way we get more winter? They called him the "world's most famous furry forecaster," where did he go to meteorology school again? Can I please see some credentials? Is this the only thing he predicts or can he do a simple 5 day also? People gathered at 3:30 AM to wait for him to come out of his hole. What is that about? What if he got sick and didn't show? What if he overslept? What if he just didn't feel like it anymore? Oh, they rip him out of his hole against his will? No wonder he said we're getting more winter! Only in Pennsylvania...

What the Pup

Not only are almost all of my friends engaged, but now they are getting dogs?! This must be what it feels like when the first person you know pops a kid out. Wow, I can barely take care of my stuffed animal! Oh but... how cute is she!! Oh Ella dog, little princess... little peeing, barking and whining princess. Yes, this is definitely what it feels like when someone has a baby, so cute, yet so glad it's yours not mine...