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Study: Tanning beds can be as deadly as arsenic
Top ten reasons why this is a great headline:
10) I guess I’d need to peruse the actual methodology, but was this a head-to-head study? People must have been dropping dead all over the place in that case.
9) Yea but does arsenic give you that awesome I look amazing even at 4am golden brown glowy feeling? I think not.
8) So.... the sun is still okay then, right?
7) A good scare tactic only works if it’s actually something people are afraid of. I woulda gone with “tanning beds can be as deadly as swine flu terrorism democrats.” But that’s just me.
6) If at first you were skeptical, all of that immediately dissipated once you saw the word “study:” I 100% believe this now.
5) I love how it has fully been medicalized and legalized. Great usage of “can be” versus “are.” I always approve of unabsoluteness (not a word).
4) If I continually sprinkled tanning beds in your tea every morning, would you die? Clearly not as effective.
3) Hmm rats. Well what about the tanning booths?
2) Gonna go out on a limb here and say that half the people going to the tanning beds haven’t got a clue what the hell arsenic is. And yes, it is on the periodic table. And no that is actually not the kind of table you think it is.
And the number 1 reason this is a great headline...
1) Tanning beds can be possibly potentially maybe kinda sorta somewhat like climbing into a hydrogen bomb and detonating yourself.
Somehow... and this really, really is pure Jessica genius, I managed to go over my allotted cell phone minutes by 151 minutes this month. This is truly awesome since I can't remember who the hell I could have been talking to. I never go over my minutes. In fact, I dug up my last 4 or 5 months of bills, which are in a growing massive pile of crap I want to shred but I don’t have a shredder, to see how many minutes I usually use per month. None of the other months were even remotely close to the limit let alone over it... Let alone decimating it by 150. How could I have accomplished this? I hate talking on the phone. In fact, I occasionally don’t pick up when people call. Could I have used 150 minutes checking my voicemails? I’ve never once even considered the true value of those “rollover” minutes until I got my bill this month and saw that I was being charged... wait for it... $68.00 extra dollars. $68 mother fucking dolllllllares... To have unmemorable conversations. Not awesome... Not awesome at all. Next time I’m at a garage sale and I see rollover minutes that look like little clocks... I am sooo buying those...
Andrei: all the bird mites were on the window right where the nest was
Andrei: I went to the new hardware store in our town
Andrei: and told the guy that I had a pigeon nest on my window ledge and now I got all these mites in my house
Andrei: he says "Oh I raise pigeons. When they go and fly around, sometimes they pick up mites."
Jess: ewww
Jess: who raises pigeons?!
Jess: wtf
Jess: that is the most disturbed thing I’ve ever heard
Andrei: I was like "That's nice. But the pigeons are gone and now the mites are in my living room"
Andrei: he goes "Ok, you take the pigeon, lift its wings gently and spray underneath"
Andrei: moron
Andrei: I was like "It's not my fucking bird..it's a wild pigeon"
Andrei: Mike Tyson raises pigeons btw....hundreds of them
Jess: HAAHHAHAAH
Jess: he told u how to cure the pigeons
Jess: if you TOUCHED a pigeon... i'd never go near u again
Jess: EVER
Andrei: if I could get my hands on that pigeon I'd ring it's neck
Andrei: fucker
Andrei: what if I told you that I had mites on my legs last night
Jess: that is so nasty
Jess: don't come near my desk
Andrei: does Bailey wanna come over and kill pigeons in Forest Hills for me?
Jess: he was in a pigeon killing street gang in his previous life
Andrei: that's why I asked.....I figured he has experience
So I got this cat. First couple of weeks fostering him everything was dandy. He doesn’t make any noise (seriously I think I’ve heard him meow maybe 3 times), he’s generally cute and probably thrilled to be in a place where there is a never ending supply of food. As in off the mean streets. He was a stray and I am a hero. However recently I think the honeymoon may be over. Don't be fooled by his adorableness... he’s become quite comfortable in my apartment and has proceeded to entangle himself in some very annoying acts of mischief lately. Yesterday he made his way to the top of the refrigerator and managed to knock over the $50 automatic feeder I was storing there, which came crashing to the floor, and was found by me, after my long work day in a million pieces. He also has decided that my leather chair is his new scratching post and it is now sporting some really awesome holes all over the top. At this point he is one strike away from getting the BOOT. I mean listen here mr. kitty... You are still a guest in my apartment, I haven’t technically adopted you yet... Maybe you could try to be on your best behavior, at least until I sign my life away...
Partly I know this is my fault. He’s a cat. They like to climb, explore, and scratch shit. I shouldn’t leave things out that could be broken and I should man up and clip his claws even though I am PETRIFIED. I’ve done a lot of research on this lately and all of the websites make this extremely daunting task sound like a breeze.
Supplies:
-Nail clippers
-Bath towel
-Delicious treats
-Cat
-Assistant (optional but VERY helpful)
Oh really? I need a cat to do this procedure? Probably substantially easier without one though...
Instructions:
1) Wrap cat in towel so only his head is sticking out.
OH right. Ok. And at step 1 we’re already going to have a problem. I am SO sure he’s going to love that. Then what?
2) Remove one front paw from towel
3) Give cat a treat
4) Gently apply pressure at the base of the cat's toes to push the claws out
Number 3 I can handle. The rest of this sounds slightly hazardous. Can’t I just subdue him with some Diprivan? I think I’m going to need some of those wire mesh gloves people wear when they’re handling hawks... I really don’t see this ending well...
This is officially my first Fire Island summer. I went out one weekend last summer with my friend Marisa and it was an insane amount of fun. Very chill place, really cool bars, lots of good looking guys... Beach, rocket fuels (a pina colada type drink that packs quite the punch), awesomeness. However recently the island has been infiltrated with the type of snobby people one tries to avoid all your life. You know, the ones that are usually out in the Hamptons. The kind of girls who, while in the market looking around for creamer for my iced coffee, would say in the snarkiest voice possible while rolling their eyes “it says ask for milk.” Whoaaaa biznatch. I didn’t ask you and waste your valuable time while the sign was right in front of me. I didn’t even speak and I swear there was no sign. Clearly I must have done something wrong to deserve that kind of venom... Oh right, I just tried to exist on her earth. Excuse me...
These same little snots were apparently crying in bathrooms all over the island over boys. I truly wish I had witnessed this first hand, but I heard from a reliable source that a ridiculous number of girls were crying and having heart-to-hearts with their Fire Island hook ups. Some of my favorite overheard lines would be “I don’t understand. I’m cute and small,” and “you are so emotional, I think we need some space.” Then there was the girl I did see, who was slumped over on a bench in the bar and when we asked if she was okay or needed help, she said she was having problems with her boyfriend. Yea, can’t help ya there honey... Oh Fire Island...
Study: Tanning beds can be as deadly as arsenic
