Who Knew?

So Tropical Storm Danny is coming to ruin my last Fire Island weekend. Here I was hoping to finish off my tan while sporting a bikini and instead I might as well bring my galoshes and a poncho. I'm thrilled. Really. No matter how many times I refresh the page, I still don't see any suns Fri-Sun. But I did happen to notice that apparently the weather people name the storms ahead of time. Am I the only person who didn't know they did that? I guess I never thought about where or when the names originated, but now I sorta feel like I've met the Wizard. All of the surprise is gone, I've seen all of the names now. And WTF is up with these names? Hurricane Fred? Ida? IDA? Is this a 1930's hurricane? Joaquin? Hurricane Joaquin. That's a mouthful. Say that 5 times fast...

Stupid People should be Shot on Sight

I am not a Rhodes scholar. I admit there are some (a small amount) of things I do not know, so sometimes I consult the interwebs. Specifically lately I've been doing research on cats since I am dedicated to providing the best care for my little monster. Never having had a pet before, I have many questions... however when I see the questions other people have, I am reminded that I could quite actually be a genius and that stupid people should be outlawed.

Poster Pete-Potentially dumbest person on Earth, asks...
How do you spay a cat? Is this something I can do at home myself?

{Shaking head and eyes bugging out} What. The. Fuck. Are you a lunatic? Yep, no problem Petey. You just reach up inside your cat and rip out its ovaries. No sweat you imbecile. Someone answered "yup, get a rusty spoon and a bottle of Jack Daniels"... HA! I bet that's the same way you neuter a stupid man named Pete...

The Daily Bailey

Gosh I am a handsome devil, aren’t I. I’ve been taking it easy lately. Chillin like a villain. Trying to make my way back into the good graces of the one who has hidden all of my food. I’ve been wondering why she hasn’t officially adopted me yet? Because of the vomit? The leather chair that now looks like swiss cheese? The $100 adoption fee? Certainly it can’t be because she doesn’t love me. Who wouldn’t love me? I’m a furry angel. I overheard her telling someone that she read that a typical cat will set you back more than $10,000 over its lifetime. Luckily for her, I am certainly not typical. I am sophisticated. Only $10,000? I turn my white and grey nose up at that.

It’s not my fault. Surely when I first arrived in her home, I couldn’t have been expected to have eaten that Iams garbage that she tried to pass off as cat food. I couldn’t care less when she bought can after can... Maybe he’ll like the tuna kind. Nope, I don’t. Maybe he prefers the chicken variety. Again I took one sniff and walked away. Continually it ended up in the trash where it belonged. I ate garbage on the streets, now I was moving up in the world. It only took her a week to realize that I deserved the best. Do away with this $0.99 a can crap and bring me the $2.39 goodness! In her defense, she’s ponied up since. I can see that you have 400 pairs of shoes, human... I know you can afford $1.40 more a can to satisfy my discerning taste...

Speaking of tasty, you look quite delicious lately too. Since you insist on only feeding me twice a day and I haven’t quite figured out how to break into this $50 automatic feeder that you leave for me when you desert me for days, although not for lack of trying... when you come home, I will chase you and pretend your calve is a delicious chicken wing. You insist on calling me stupid-ass names, I eat you. It’s the price you have to pay.

When it comes down to it, can you really put a price tag on the unconditional love, occasional throw up and pyro tendencies that I have to offer? I assume the answer is a cat-egorical no... So adopt me already bitch.

Who Knew?

"The 32-year-old real estate developer and investor was wanted in California on first-degree murder charges after the dismembered body of Jasmine Fiore was found in a trash bin in Buena Park, about 20 miles southeast of Los Angeles.

Fiore's teeth had been pulled out and her fingers cut off, apparently to impede her identification. Investigators used the serial numbers on her breast implants to identify her, prosecutors said."

Wait, she was identified by her breast implants? Breast implants have registered serial numbers? Like Vehicle Identification Numbers? Guess he forgot to cut those off too... Another criminal foiled by Silicone...

Top Ten

IAAF isn’t sure South African runner is female

Top ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) Who would pretend to be a woman to win a couple races? Pansy.

9) I’m not really sure what the IAAF is, but I am sure they aren’t that smart.

8) I hate to state the obvious, but... There usually are some pretty clear indicators...

7) I have a fail proof test for this very situation. Television. Popcorn. “Beaches.” Tears? She’s a chick.

6) I thought this usually only happened in Thailand...

5) How freakin insulted would you be if someone thought you required gender testing?

4) I’ve seen The Crying Game... I know how this ends.

3) Just because she’s flat chested does NOT mean she’s a man.

2) Those runners wear pretty tight shorts... Are you sure you’re not sure?

And the number 1 reason this is a great headline...

1) I will sit here anxiously awaiting the next great headline... “Mrs. Doubtfire breaks land-speed record in 800-meter final”

Flop You

Everything will kill you these days. Especially it seems, the things that I like. Tanning booths are as deadly as arsenic. Shopping carts are more germy than public restrooms. And now apparently my flip flops are “harbingers of death.” Seriously, WTF people? Harbingers of death? Cue the really scary music and complete over exaggerations...

I always just thought wearing my $3 flip flops everywhere would get me chastised by my father (also receiving a similar reaction are ripped jeans) who once proclaimed he would “buy me any pair of shoes I wanted, if I never wore those stupid flops again.” However it will also get me 18,000 different bacteria including Staphylococcus aureus (which I should be able to spell because I work in pharma, but alas I cannot.) Oooh just what I’ve always wanted!! A raging Staph infection! Yay...

Is there something about the rubber that adheres more easily to awesomely disgusting bacteria? Or is there another reason that my other sandals are less effective at killing me? Because I’m not really following the rationale behind the movement to smear flip flops. I have been wearing flip flops for more than half my life, everyday that is above 50 degrees, and so far I have successfully thwarted death. So I am thinking, now armed with this new information, as long as I don’t proceed to lick the bottom of my flops... I will be okay. Well fine, so maybe I won’t wear them around my apartment or let Bailey stick his face all over them... Ok come to think of it, fully rubbing Purell on everything as soon as I get home...

The Daily Bailey

Ahh 5:30am. The wonderful time I enjoy waking up every morning and making as much noise as felinely possible. I mean, why not? Nobody else lives here. Oh... I mean, besides HER. The human rolling over, muttering my name in angry voice, and seriously contemplating spraying me with that awful wet water shit. But I can’t be bothered with that because I am too busy darting around like a lunatic, crashing into everything, eating my feather toy, and generally doing everything I am not allowed to. I will continue to do this until she eventually wakes up and feeds me, which she is intentionally prolonging since I threw up in her bed a couple days ago.

Since she’s obviously holding a grudge and none of my cute kitty faces are working, today I think I will try to kill her. She has taken all of my fun away. First when she realized I knew where my food and treats were and would jump up there and try to scratch and claw my way into the bags, she moved them into the cabinets. Next when I knocked over the garbage pail every day so I could scavenge for things to eat, she moved it under the sink. What else was there left to do? So today, I decided to burn the place down.

While she was sleeping I jumped up onto the stove and managed to turn on one of the burners. Ohhh this hot, fiery, stuff shot out and I was mesmerized. It had just started to burn one of the handles of a pot that was there, when SHE had to smell gas and come into the kitchen and shut it off. I don’t think she was that mad because she didn’t yell at me or anything. She just sorta stared at me in disbelief, said something about “we needed to talk” and how I was “in a lot of trouble.” Then she pulled off all of the knobs on the stove and kept repeating that I was “a bad cat.” I really thought that based on my behavior, maybe she’d take me in that extremely posh carry bag with her to work, or even better yet back to that big house I vacationed in a couple weekends ago!!... But alas, she left me here once again. Maybe I’ll throw up again, or figure out how to turn on the faucets... or maybe I'll save that for tomorrow...

WTF is wrong with this picture?

This chick is my new hero. That's pretty much the EXACT face I'd be making if I was witnessing this debacle first hand. I'd call it a sorta "frightened, confused, I can't believe I am seeing this and I hope nobody I know is seeing me see this but I guess I'm on tv so I'll tightly smile" face.

Top Ten

Man convicted of groping Minnie Mouse

Top ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) Do I really even need to come up with a reason? That is just sick.

9) I truly don’t understand the attraction. She wears the same outfit everyday.

8) I think we can be a bit more descriptive. I’d like to suggest an alternate. How about... Creepy old dirty man ruins Disney World for everyone.

7) How can you possibly even cop a quality feel of someone wearing a large costume? Congratulations, you’re being sentenced and all you got was a handful of fake fur.

6) This guy’s grandkids are now severely traumatized for life.

5) Do you know what they do to mouse molesters in prison?

4) I had a hot dream about Goofy last night... But I guess I have a bit more self control than some people.

3) New song idea... “I saw Grandpa inappropriately touching Minnie Mouse...”

2) Who even knew Minnie Mouse had breasts?

And the number 1 reason this is a great headline...

1) And WTF did Mickey do? Just stand there and let it happen?

Depression Hurts

This past weekend I took Bailey (the cat) home to meet my family in New Jersey. I was nervous because a) my dad has claimed (and I say claimed because it turned out to not be true and I suspect now I’ve been lied to my entire life) to be allergic to cats, and b) because Bailey does whatever he wants whenever he wants to. I knew that my mom would absolutely love him, but was scared that my dad would either be livid that Bails decided to ruin some piece of furniture in the house, or be in anaphylactic shock. Both being serious problems. However after the tumultuous cab and train ride in his kitty carrier, in which I seriously think my cat lost one of his nine lives, he took quite nicely to his new surroundings. He adored having tons of space to explore and run around, and ate up all of the attention from his new family members. Sadly though, as I kept gently reminding him the entire weekend, we do not live there...

Unfortunately, he didn’t really understand that. And now I fully think he’s depressed. Since we’ve been back he just lays around and looks like a sad clown. Could my cat have depression?? What are the symptoms of kitty depression? Is there kitty web MD?

According to Google, causes of cat depression involve major changes to their routine:

• Death or introduction of a new family member or animal
• Moving
• Changes in food or litter
  

Symptoms of cat depression include:

• Eating very little (no problem there)
• Sleeping more than usual
• Loss of interest in playing
• Excessive vocalizing (no problem there)
  

OMG my cat is that little depressed white blob in the Zoloft commercials. He doesn’t feel like himself. He’s lost interest in the things he loves. Shit, I think I have kitty hypochondria!...