F My Life

God hates me. It's official. I was paying a shiva call for my best friend whose grandfather passed away. Doing a good deed. Being a good person. Completely blind to the fact that I'd just walked into a house of my past horrors. Seriously, if it wasn't a solemn occasion, there might have been screaming and bloody agony.  

Sitting at the table mere feet away was a guy I used to hook up with... And his fiance. I hadn't seen him in almost 4 years and I was totally fine with continuing that running tally. What I wouldn't have given to fully have been wearing a disguise at that very moment. Instead I thought it’d be a stellar idea to alternate between pretending to be a grown up and attempting to hide behind my fellow 5 foot tall friend and then eventually forcing her to stand with me while he approached (without his fiance) and proceeded to make small talk, and ever so smoothly throw in that he was leaving for his bachelor party on Thursday.  Oh yes. Like I care. Ah the irony that is my life while he talked about his wedding date and I discussed how cool it’d be to shoot a sawed off shotgun and devoured a Napoleon, a pastry named after a dictator.  Let's just say my awkwardness quota has been achieved for the next century, I'm good. Fully squared away.

Well, not unless I was to tell you that 10 minutes later my high school exes parents walked in. Could this be the most horrifyingly awkward night of my life? Just possibly. Standing there desperately wishing for that disguise again, and wondering what the hell I could have done to deserve this, as my friend's aunt announces their arrival by screaming out "Loook who's here!!" More painfully awkward small talk as his Mom approaches to say hello, and then the inevitable "I'm sure you've heard he's getting married." Oohh yesss of coooourse. Silly me. I'm sure you've heard I'm still single. I'm sure you've heard I'm a prostitute. I'm sure you've heard I have 5 illegitimate children with 4 baby daddies. I'm sure you've heard that  I really wish they were serving something stronger at this shiva, like CRACK. Take care now.

Did that really just happen? Seriously? Seriously. Who knew my friend's grandfather passing away would turn into such a tragedy for me. This would have made a great sitcom... I would have won an Emmy for Best Attempt to not drown your face in a bottle of tequila or crawl in a hole and die while in an utter calamity or cosmic joke...

Mind your manners

At this very minute, I have about 400 other things I should be doing, but instead I’ve decided to take a moment to discuss etiquette.  I certainly didn’t attend the Emily Post Institute and nobody would ever mistake me for Miss Manners, however some things I believe to be simply common sense.

You cannot ask someone to be your maid of honor and then demote them to regular old bridesmaid right before the wedding. That HAS to be against wedding etiquette. Sadly that has happened to me once.

When emailing back and forth with someone, you should actively ask questions and allow the other person something to respond to.  If you answer all of my questions and don’t ask me any in return, I assume the conversation is over because what the hell am I supposed to respond to? Bad email etiquette.

Apparently you cannot consume the chocolate party favors at a 1 year old’s birthday while still at the party.  My friend Meredith was not aware that, according to our friend Jay, this breaks party etiquette.  This one I have to take issue with however, because I fully would’ve eaten the favor too. In fact, I would’ve eaten everyone’s and put the rest in my bag for later...

Top Ten

FDA takes issue with Cheerios health claims

Top ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) General Mills got a warning letter from FDA. That makes me chuckle.

9) Does anyone eating Cheerios for breakfast really think it’s going to prevent heart disease? Big Mac for lunch, TGIFriday’s for dinner... But hey, at least I had my Cheerios this morning, so I’m protected.

8) Maybe they should hire the world-class researchers who conducted Phase III testing to support that Kix are “Kid tested, Mother approved.”

7) It’s not like they said they were the “Breakfast of Champions”... Because that seems to be a gross overpromise.

6) Pretty soon our food packaging will be carrying Fair Balance.

5) FDA don’t you have better things to do, like monitor the pharmaceut... Oh wait, please continue going to town on cereals.

4) I’m sorry, but I’m really going to need to see some hard data for some other cereal claims now.  “They’re grrrreat”...? Really Frosted Flakes? Prove it.

3) Wait, it doesn’t lower cholesterol? Hell, I’m getting me some Count Chocula, or at least something with marshmallows in it...

2) Maybe Cheerios just needs to run a straight up comparison study in order to prove their claim.  Something like “Cheerios lowered cholesterol 4-6% in a head-to-head study with Bacon”. Yup, that’ll work.

And the number 1 reason this is a great headline...

1) Who cares. Cheerios taste like shit.

Automated Technology Machine

The ATMs at my bank recently got upgraded.  Gotta love Chase! I personally think they are now even easier than going to a teller, which is superb because that means I do not need to interface with another human being... and that makes me happy. I always used them anyway, but now instead of finding a stupid pen that actually writes, filling out a stupid form, adding up all of my stupid checks with my stupid math skills, and putting my stupid checks into a stupid envelope... I can insert up to 30 checks, the machine scans them all, adds the whole thing up and prints out a receipt for me with the photos of all of my checks! SCORE! This is like fucking amazing. I stood there in complete awe! Then I realized it's actually kinda sad how easily impressed I am by simple technology... Imagine my reaction when I see the first flying car. I certainly hope the fly-thru ATM is nearly as cool...

Cleaning my balls and goin bowlin

When you're a kid, your parents try to pressure you into having interests and taking lessons to hone those specific skills.  Mostly, I think, my parents tried to pressure me into doing what all the other kids interests were. Were they really my interests? Was I actually going to be world renowned violinist? I'm not quite sure.  I took ballet, wore a stupid black leotard and pink tutu... because every other girl was. I took jazz and tap, wore way too much makeup and danced around to Rick Astley tunes... because every other girl was. I played in a bowling league, (that may or may not have had bumpers), completely sucked and was awarded a last place trophy that had a skunk on it... because my parents wanted to give me lasting rejection related issues...

In the last couple of months, I have found myself in a bowling alley more than I ever thought I would have.  Of course the bowling alleys in the city are nothing like the ones in Jersey. These are bowling lounges... alley sounds seedy, and these places are too posh for that.  I have learned from my recent experiences that 1) I am not a terrible bowler, simply inconsistent, 2) I bowl slightly better after a couple of drinks, and 3) I wish I could go back in time and find the douchebag who thought giving a 10 year old a last place trophy with a skunk on it was a really great idea... and kick the living shit out of him...

LOST

Often I lose things. Like my mind or my temper, but occasionally I also lose actual things. Famously I've lost my digital camera TWICE both times at my company holiday parties, with the second time me upping my retardedly drunk ante and losing my entire purse. It was possibly one of the most helpless, worst feelings ever... And I fully drunk cried and sobered up faster than I ever have in my life. Imagine, no keys, no cell phone, no ID, no money. Nothing. But at least I most likely had a blood alcohol level of 0.25. Yippy.

Since then I have tried with all of my might not to lose my things. Most notably because the genius that I am, since then, has taken to owning extremely expensive purses. One would think that a person prone to losing things would not take this extreme risk, but I enjoy defying conventional logic. I also apparently enjoy waking up after blacking out and immediately having a severe panic attack until I see that precious red purse laying wherever I drunkenly dumped it and begin breathing again. Wonder when I will get tired of this and either stop drinking or start shopping in Kmart.

Don't worry, this year at my birthday I of course managed to lose something. It really wouldn't be an evening with me if I hadn't. It was my brand new NARS lip gloss and it cost $24. I am mourning it, but will absolutely not replace it because every time I miss it, I deserve to recall how utterly irresponsible I am with my belongings. I suck...