No son of mine

Over the last couple of weeks I have seen a trend developing at my office. People have been bringing their kids in a lot lately. I can’t tell you how many kids I’ve met in the last month. This one’s baby, that one’s son. They are cute, and they follow their parents around the office and everyone oohs and aahs and offers them toys to play with (I have like 5 stuffed animals and Gumby and Pokey on my desk, yet no kids seem to want to play with my toys, but whatever I’m not offended). However today, when the 800th kid came in, I sorta felt left out of the trend. Seriously, one day I’m just going to bring a random kid in here and make him follow me around all day.

Scenario one:
Jessica is that your son?
Oh you guys didn’t know I have like 5 bastard children?

Scenario two:
Jessica is that your son?
Oh him? I just found him downstairs.

Don’t lie, that would be pretty damn funny. I am so doing that next week.

Don't rain on my parade

Adventure Initiative '08 has kicked into high gear! Ok fine, so we didn't go to the Gay Pride Parade dressed as Cher, however we did sport awesome rainbow leis. I speak the truth when I tell you that we both literally got leid by a black guy on the street. Oh yes. Now I can't speak for Katie, but seriously best lei I've had in a while.

Then during our rain delay, we met this lovely woman (see above) in Starbucks. She? went dressed as a shiny peacock. God I love New York City.

The only drawback was that I didn't see a "I love Spicy Tuna" shirt this year. We did however see a woman riding her Harley wearing a shirt that said Dyke (with an arrow pointing up) and Bike (with an arrow pointing down). I wonder if she got that at Urban Outfitters...

Top Ten

It's a little small (no pun intended) in the photo so allow me to repeat it...
Athletes popping Viagra for an extra boost

With the summer Olympic games coming up soon, here are the Top Ten reasons this is a great headline.

10) Men gymnasts in spandex
9) No shrinkage in the pool in those banana hammocks
8) Wrestling just got a little bit more interesting
7) Isn’t cycling awkward enough for men already?
6) Marathoners with 4 hour erections
5) Wikipedia says there’s an event called Handball, and I will definitely be watching that
4) The equestrian events just took on a whole new meaning of competition
3) Two words: Pole Vault
2) I now know why they’re called the USA Dream Team

And the number one reason why this is a great headline...

1) Are they adding a new event?! And can I meet the gold medalist?

Full Metal Jacket

A couple weeks ago, a co-worker and I were discussing the rise in autism rates and what we thought may be responsible for the spike in diagnoses in recent years. Is it environmental? Causal? Simply due to the medical community being able to recognize the symptoms and categorize it more easily? You are definitely wondering where this is going and why I am being all quasi-intellectual all of a sudden, but during the course of our debate, she brought up that someone she knows has a similar theory on breast cancer rates. If you think about it, were there as many breast cancer cases back in the 40’s or 50’s? Doesn’t it seem like it is much more prevalent now? The theory is, since more women have joined the workforce (yay feminist movement!), all we do is sit in front of computers all day long. And what just happens to be at about the same level as the monitor? The ta-ta’s...

Now, I’m sure computer monitor technology has come a long way recently and I’d hope microwave rays aren’t zapping my rack all day long, but hearing this theory gave me a second of pause. Very interesting indeed. I sit in front of a computer all day long, so should I wear to work everyday one of those lead vests that the dentist puts on me when I get x-rays? Where can I even get one of those puppies? Excuse me, Dr. Patel (and yes, my dentist’s name is Dr. Patel, and interestingly enough, so was the dentist I went to before him who’s practice he took over... Hey at least he didn’t have to get new signs made) where can I purchase a lead vest like the one you have here? Do you have any extras I could maybe, borrow? Or I could start my own line of lead bras. Our slogan could be “they may be heavy as hell, but at least the ladies are protected well.” Imagine how much fun it’d be trying to hook up wearing a lead bra. It’s all fun and games til someone gets a black eye...

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

Time to bring back an old favorite! As the post from Friday February 25, 2005 says...

I don’t care if Monday’s blue,
Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too,
Thursday I don’t care about you...
It’s Friday I’m in love!

Here's how it works... fill in the missing song lyrics and you get a prize! I haven't figured out what the prize is just yet... but bear with me.



I wish I woulda known, I wish I coulda called you just to say goodbye ______ _______

Because maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, ______ __ _______ ____

Everybody sing, everybody dance. Lose yourself in wild romance, we’re going to ______, _______, _________

Work angels

I saw an ad, on the side of a bus mind you, for this new TV show and immediately thought... HOW DO I GET MY OFFICE ON THIS SHOW. We would SO win. Today we practiced our act with a little Jon Secada.



Lauren: now I am listening to Angel
Lauren: i danced with Anthony Caldanodo
Lauren: to this song at the 8th grade dance
Lauren: FACE THE TRUTH
Lauren: and baby IIIIIIIIIIIII
Lauren: SHINE SHINE SHINE
Lauren: like an angel
Jess: the spirit that won't... let me go
Jess: LET GO OF MY HEART

16 bar musical interlude....

(and yes we sang into our pens, held up our phones, and swayed)

The best tour in the city

Last summer my friend Katie and I kicked off our Adventure Initiative. The Adventure Initiative consists of touristy type activities, or just fun and new things we’ve never done before in New York. Adventure Initiative ‘07 included walking across the Brooklyn Bridge (god my feet hurt), going to Coney Island (I thought I was going to die on the Cyclone), and hitting up the famous Ferrara’s bakery in Little Italy (2 words, Carrot Cake). 2 weekends ago we kicked off Adventure Initiative ‘08 with the proposed activities to include the gay pride parade (this weekend!!), riding the Staten Island ferry, going to the Original Gray’s Papaya location, and one of those classic NYC touristy bus tours. However I was stunned and appalled to learn that those stupid bus tours are insanely expensive. The cheapest tour is $39. Man, those tourists are getting ripped off. I can look out the window and see the Empire State Building while riding the MTA bus for $2. There is also a Sex and the City bus tour, again $40, where according to the website you can “follow in the footsteps of Carrie & Co. as they conquer New York City! Drink where they drink, shop where they shop, and gossip where they gossip.” And why is any of this worth 40 bills?...

I think for Adventure Initiative’08 Katie and I should start our own tour. It will be called the I f*$%ing hate him tour. On this long, yet very liberating walking tour, we shall visit all of those places we frequented with ex-boyfriends and other assorted losers we hung out with. All the places we probably loved, however still to this day cannot stomach the thought of, and may walk avenues out of our way to avoid, because of the bad JuJu. And when we arrive at each place, we will say... “this is Banc Café, I went here for brunch with Tom (names have been changed to protect the overwhelmingly moronic), I f*$%ing hate him.” You are all invited to submit your locations and book your tour with us today. Even if we charged you half of what the bus tours charge, it’d still be less money than an hour of therapy and SO much more freeing...

Posting from the RTW archives

In honor of my coffee cart man taking a couple weeks off, (I thought he said he was leaving forever, but I guess I heard wrong... or didn't listen) I am posting my ode to coffee cart guys everywhere.

Volume CCXXIV - Coffee Cake

One of my favorite commercials, besides the AARP one where the little Asian man clones himself and then comes to serve his wife breakfast in bed while he also happens to be lying next to her... is the AOL one in which a happy customer brings cake by the office to thank them for their good work. Nothing is nearly as funny as when said Asian man wakes his wife up by calling her "sleepy-do" and she freaks out upon seeing both of him and screams "PING? PING?". But anyway, the notable part of the cake commercial is when some random woman rolls out of her office cubicle on her desk chair and says "I smell cake." Yes I'd probably scream too if I saw two of any of my friends, but that cake chick... that is so me. I can sniff out cake a mile away. I love cake. Who doesn't love cake? At my old job I used to look forward to people's last days/birthdays because that was when we had cake. It's really difficult to care about any of your troubles when there's a wad of sweet frosting in your mouth. That sounded a litle gross, I know this. But cake is what it's all about. Cake rocks! Why else would we have it at every celebratory event? Ahh bet you never thought about that before! Cake brings people together. It's a universal unifier. And just in case you were wondering, which you probably weren't... Some girls like jewelry, I like cake. Cake is the way to my heart and apparently it's no longer a secret...

I've become a nicer and calmer person since I don't have to commute to New Jersey for work anymore. Notice I didn't say "much" nicer and calmer. This has mainly translated into me not screaming obscenities at "street standers" who see fit to call me "mommie" at 6AM while I'm wearing a sweatband in my hair, and my budding relationship with the coffee cart man. Let it be known that I have turned over a new leaf. No longer do I see fit to go through life filled with unnecessary anger or rage. Why be rude and standoffish when you can instead be friendly and smiley? That is my newly adopted morning philosophy... pertaining to mostly everyone. Except anyone who calls me "mommie"... all deals are off on that. But why not be friendly to the coffee cart man? Every day I get my coffee, cream and two equals and a raisin bagel with butter. Same guy, same time. Then one day I noticed that he had memorized my order, not that it's a difficult thing to do. Along with this, also came him calling me sweetie, and occasionally having my stuff ready and waiting for me. Clearly I have acquired a coffee cart boyfriend. I really was touched, really I was. Coffee cart love is hard to come by. We have a very special coffee cart relationship. A few weeks into our coffee cart courting he slipped free cake into my bag, that sneaky devil! Which I hate to tell you, but according to a friend of mine, free cake means things in other cultures that I'm not comfortable describing to you. How did he know I liked cake!? Am I his only coffee cart girlfriend? I don't know how I feel about this. Then the other day it was a free cruller, a LOVE cruller, a cruller of LOVE, the ultimate sign of affection... and he asked me what I was doing this weekend. Whoa back it right up cruller boy! Did I just get asked out by the coffee cart man? I think I did. Yes, I definitely did. He is wooing me with his confectionary delights. I wonder... if we got married, would I own half of the coffee cart business? That's a lot of cake you know...

RTW © 2005

Well Played

Guess who got her Blackberry one week early? Booya! Yes kids, that is how the game is played. I think I'm in love...

Bitten by the Bargain Bug

My favorite thing to do when I go home for the weekend, besides drive around aimlessly because I love and miss driving, is go to Target. Greatest store ever. In fact, there is one in my area that is literally called Target: Greatland, as in the Land of Great. I don’t know why it is, but no matter how much money I earn, I still can’t resist a good day of bargain hunting. Of course I like nice things too, doesn’t everyone? Like the $90 Polo shirt I had to have because it has a big pony on it. My co-worker had it on the other day and I totally coveted. $90 for a shirt? Do you know how many stupid tank tops from Old Navy I could have for $90?? When you put it that way, it really does seem a little excessive. However the old adage happens to sometimes be true... You get what you pay for.

My dad reminded me of a fun little story that proves my point. Last year Sarah Jessica Parker came out with her own clothing line, Bitten. It is only sold at Steve and Barry’s. What is a Steve and Barry’s? Is that a store? Alas, it is and I located one in the Manhattan Mall. It is a cheap clothing bonanza. Everything in her line is less than $20. How is this possible you ask? I will tell you how, because it is crap.

I purchased a green bikini last summer. Wore it to the beach once and to my friend’s pool once. Washed it. When I went to wear it again... I saw that parts of it were now a lovely shade of blue. It changed color. It is either the coolest hyper-color bikini from the late 80’s, some kind of tye-dye do it yourself experiment, or a ginormous piece of crap. How can you sell a bathing suit that changes color in the sun or chlorine? That’s like selling an umbrella that disintegrates when it gets wet. Completely nonsensical. I want my $20 back.

RIP George Carlin

Completely devastating. Carlin is a god. The world just got a little bit less funny. Here are some of his "New rules for 2008"



GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

I love my friends

Katie: i'm watching LOST right now as i talk to u
Katie: ooh just watched a bone being set
Katie: i had that happen to me
Jess: owwwch
Katie: yea it kills
Katie: i had it done without anesthetic too
Jess: ok James Frey (eds. note: which is funnier because Katie and I saw him in Barnes and Noble last weekend)
Jess: WHATEVER
Katie: HAHA
Katie: i was 7
Katie: i didnt want the shot in my tush
Katie: the doctor was a boy
Katie: i was embarrassed
Katie: so i said no shot
Jess: u wouldn't pull ur pants down in front of a boy...
Katie: haha
Jess: how much has changed...!
Katie: oh how times have changed!

Countdown to Curve

11 days. Me wanty like nobody's business. This is going to be a very long 11 days. I mean really, it's only a week from Monday. I WANT IT NOW. Yep, I'm a big brat.

Break me off a piece of that

I have to tell you. Just because I don’t write about “these things” that happen to me anymore, sadly does not translate into them not happening. They still happen. See below for proof...

Saturday

10AM

I break the shower. While attempting to turn off the hot water, Muscles McGee (yes I mean me, coincidentally they used to call me Boobs McGee in college... I guess now I am her big brother, at least I’m keepin it in the family), breaks the knob which now seems to spin around towards off, yet never actually get there. Awesome. Hot water pouring non-stop into the tub. Now would be a great time to call my super.

12PM

He can’t fix it until Monday because he has to shut the water off for the whole building. No other option but to leave it. I’m certainly not going to sit around and stare at it. The super, who no offense is acting more like mediocre than super, assures me that it won’t overflow. So off I go to enjoy my day.

5PM

There is an overnight bag in my apartment that I need to pick up so that I can go to New Jersey for Father’s Day. I am in the 77th street subway station, staring up the stairs in horror at the torrential downpour and my serious lack of an umbrella. Did I anger the water gods somehow? 40 minutes of standing under an awning later, I make my way to see if my tub has overflowed.

5:30PM

Water still flowing into tub, check. Scalding hot, check. Anything I can do, nope.

Sunday

8PM

After having vivid daydreams of my apartment completely under water, my stuffed animals floating by using my jewelry boxes as rafts, I arrive home from New Jersey to a steam room. It’s about 400 degrees, my mirrors are fogged over, and my pores are like WOW! Scalding water still running into the tub, yep. Calming sounds of Niagara falls, yep. This best be fixed tomorrow.

Monday

11AM

Mediocre can’t get into my apartment. The key isn’t working. I have to go all the way home to let him in. He’s just downgraded himself to Okay.

5PM

My shower is fixed!! Okay is waiting for one tenant to come home so he can turn the water back on. He explains why this is, I hear something about flood, but tune out.

8:30 PM

What sounds like elephants are barreling up my stairs. Loud banging on an apartment door on my floor, followed by louder pounding and the words “Fire department.” Why don’t I see this ending well? I peek out my door to find 5 firemen, one of them extremely hot, BREAKING DOWN my neighbor’s door. Please read that previous sentence again, you know you want to. There is a flood in his apartment, he isn’t home, so they obliterate his door and bust in. Nobody can get in touch with Okay, who isn’t doing himself any favors and is now more like “craptastically shitty”. There is about 4 inches of water on my neighbor’s floor. Water is dripping from the second floor down into the first floor apartments and the basement through the ceiling and the light fixtures. The carpet in the entryway is like a swamp and is sure to very soon smell like mildew surprise. My hot fireman leaves for more important things like fighting fires and rescuing kittens stuck in trees, and the rest of us stare dumbfounded at the wild water kingdom our building has become. Why did this happen? Is this all my fault? (At least my apartment is nice and dry). I started the chain of events that caused this by breaking my shower. Why me? Cue the “everybody hates Jessica” music...

What's really left that won't kill you?

Skimming the paper today I came across an article claiming that vinyl shower liners emit some kind of chemical that can cause liver damage. Luckily I use a nylon shower liner, however it is pretty ridiculous when you can't even take a shower without slowly killing yourself. Might as well just tempt fate and spend an ideal day doing the following:

Going to the beach and laying out tanning,
Supersizing your fast food order for lunch,
Washing that down with an entire bottle of Jack Daniels,
Smoking a pack of cigarettes and talking on your cell phone while there,
and taking a shower when you get home.

If you manage to live through that whole day, you are apparently bionic. If the skin cancer, cholesterol, liver failure, lung cancer, or brain cancer don't get ya... the shower will!

RIP Tim

He was “one of the premier political journalists and analysts of his time,” Tom Brokaw, the former longtime anchor of “NBC Nightly News,” said in announcing Russert’s death. “This news division will not be the same without his strong, clear voice.”

Don't know what to say. Shocked and saddened.

Tim Russert
1950-2008

Will somebody please save the damn pandas?

Today show, we need to chat. The giant panda segment this morning... Totally not ok. I have to tell you that I find it all kinds of wrong to talk about pandas DYING in the earthquake in China, while I’m trying to get ready for work. I sat there balling my eyes out while you flashed images of them being buried in shipping crates, and talked about how there were only 1,600 of them left on the entire planet. I felt so helpless, tears streaming down my face, contemplating ways to help repopulate the panda species instead of getting dressed. Are there panda aphrodisiacs? PandaDate.com? What else was there really to do besides cry? Poor pandas... all fluffy and black and white!!! God I hate being a girl...

Posting from the RTW archives

One of our newest segments will include dustin off the old RTW archives. As requested by Julia, here's a goody from 2004. Enjoy. and P.S. the parade this year is on June 29, and Katie and I are fully attending... dressed as Cher.

Volume CLXXIII - What's a Day without a Little Gay

I love my girlfriends and wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world (not even to be married to Josh Duhamel, but I straddled the fence on that one for a while, sorry girls…). Even though most girls are petty and juvenile when it comes to friends, there are a select few that will love you unconditionally and always be there for you no matter what. I finally think at this point in my life, I have weeded through all the bad apples and surrounded myself with the cream of the crop. Who else would listen to my overly dramatic stories, dry my crocodile tears, let me email them pictures of the Beagle named Skippy I found on petfinder.com (and all the names I would call him like skippy head, skipper face, skipster and skips malips), put up with my constant barrage of (what I like to think is cutesy) complaining and blown out of proportion emergencies and stick me right back in my place but love me anyway? Nobody but your true friends. However, I feel like something is missing from my life (besides a really large trust
fund and a guest appearance on Law and Order SVU...) and I think I know what it is… I need a gay mentor. I’ve got guy friends, but they cannot fill this void, only a gay mentor can. I’m talking about a guy who can explain guys, complain about them, and go looking for them with me at the same time, tell me not to wear that terry cloth dress because it makes me look preggers, and snuggle up on the couch next to me on a rainy Friday night watching “Steel Magnolias”, eating cheese doodles and crying. Yes you heard me correctly, I am shopping for a gay mentor. A HOT gay mentor… now where do I find one?... Chelsea?... or wait, here’s a better idea…
My friend Katie and I decided to walk from my apartment to Bleeker Street (which for you non-NYers, I’ll let you know is quite a schlep) one Sunday afternoon. Why? We wanted cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery (god we are such girls…). When we finally got down there, she realizes it’s on the west side (we’re on the east), so we begin to walk across town. Only we are suddenly encountering a growing number of people wearing rainbow attire or not much attire at all. Both of us are in stunned silence as we reach the conclusion we have come face to face with the gay pride parade in the west village (and not only is it completely blocking our path to cupcake land, but we totally do not belong). We stuck out like sore thumbs (like white people at a viewing of “Soul Plane” in Harlem) and everyone was staring at us (I should have just grabbed Katie’s hand so we'd blend in…). I was this close to a transvestite (it had boobs and it definitely was NOT a woman), when we decided we absolutely had to escape. We were desperately trying not to draw attention to ourselves (while walking through tons of sweaty half naked men giving each other piggy backs) in our little skirts and Louis Vuitton bags, but the woman walking behind me was holding her shopping bag out in front of her and it kept rubbing up against my ass (forcing me to turn around constantly to make sure she wasn’t molesting me…). Finally we locate a cop and beg him to direct us out of this mess to the bakery, but he tells our horrified faces we have to go back the way we came and wait for a break in the parade to cross.... (we have to back there again??). We also didn’t realize how far up 5th avenue the parade extended, and unknowingly went back a third time on the walk home (and saw a Latina lesbian wearing a shirt that said “spicy tuna”… highlight of my day hands down). Meanwhile poor Katie, who had to take a train home from Penn Station, went to the gay pride parade four times in one day… now that, is pride… my gay mentor will be so proud…

RTW © 2004

Takin care of some biznass...

This facebook application for blogging would be insanely cooler if it allowed me to upload photos. It would even be minorly cooler if it allowed me to maybe use color?? However as we know all too well, we don't always get what we want. Therefore, uncool posts to the blog will go through here, and cool posts with photos clearly won't. That is why I would suggest, if linking to the blog through facebook, when you arrive click June under the "blog archive" to see all posts, cool and uncool. Or you could just not read any of it at all, but that would be even more uncool... of you.

A sample of what could be to come

I went to a sample sale at lunch. Not shockingly there was a huge line, however, my co-workers mom happens to work in the area, got on the line for us and was right at the front as we ran over. Take a guess how many people on the line wanted to murder us. Sorry ladies, it’s a sample sale. Being bitchy is not only expected, its practically demanded.

Today’s sample was Tory Burch. I’m sure you have seen the shoes. They’re the plain flats everyone has, but because there’s a big, gaudy, gold disk attached to the front, idiots such as myself actually contemplate paying obscene amounts of money for them. I should just buy a pair of flats at Payless and hot glue one of those Sacajawea dollar coins to the front. Ooh stylish.

Is this thing on...?

Bloggin on the old blog through Facebook, not sure how it works or if it works. But we're about to find out, in 5... 4... 3... 2... Roll new im convos...!

Jess i think the funny is still in me
Jess: i'd hate to bring it back and disappoint everyone
Bitter Kevin: lol true, you have a lot to live up to
Bitter Kevin: if you come out of retirement and suck it up, it could be disaster
Jess: thanks, no pressure though
Bitter Kevin: angry villagers with torches at your door
Jess: seriously!
Jess BE FUNNIER damn it
Bitter Kevin: possible assault with tomatoes and/or eggs
Jess: probably eggs, the FDA recalled all the tomatoes
Bitter Kevin: nothing makes a better projectile than an e-coli laced tomato