The day every girl dreams of

Congratulations are in order! I married the photocopy machine the other day! I'm sorry you guys couldn't be there to share in our happy day... but it was beautiful. I would have cried, but then the ink might have run. We are registered at Staples and Office Depot and hope to have many little toner and ink babies running around ASAP!

I might try to divorce him next week though and get a part time job at kinko's instead. I don't like to be tied down to only one copier...

Sing, sing a song

2 art directors having a conversation about one of our Power Point presentation decks. I walk by.

Cute Art Director in my office: hey jessica, do you know how to adjust style formats in power point?
Me: (stifling laughter) Say wha? Excuse me?
Cute Art Director in my office: I figured people with a liberal arts degree and a business background would have some higher level experience with the program
Me: uhhh... I have a music degree... I could sing you a song?

The boys of summer

A friend of mine sent me this article which was in the NY Times about a Staten Island girl and her dating life. I have excerpted my favorite part for your enjoyment.

"'A guy from the Bronx isn't going to come all the way out here," she said, "so it's all people you grew up with or Jersey Shore boys, and I'm not into doot-a-doots."

Doot-a-doots?

She gestured toward the dance floor, where a couple of guys with
spray-on tans pummeled the air to the beat of Snoop Dogg's "Drop It
Like It's Hot."

"You know, a Tony, a Joey," Ms. Shammas explained. "Carries the
invisible suitcases and waxes his body hair." Or as she once wrote in a
blog, "A five o'clock shadow is nice on your face, but not on your
arms."


Carries the invisible suitcases!!! The mental image of that caused me to laugh in my apartment alone for 15 minutes. Bullseye! 10 for excellence in descriptive accuracy! LOVE IT. Still not sure what a doot-a-doot means though... is that referring to the way they walk??

A letter to anonymous

Dear Anonymous poster,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to take out your anger on my poor defenseless blog. Since you clearly have all of this free time to check it and realize that it now is "not as funny"... why don't you start your own blog? I would absolutely LOVE to see how funny you are. Especially considering you couldn't even post your criticism under your name. I actually have a real job now, not a lame boring fake one. This computer is literally a fossil that could have been dug up on an archeological exploratory dig. I can't put up pictures or even use color. Everyone talks all day here, loudly, annoyingly. The second I would sit down to even breathe in some air, someone else is calling my name or my phone is ringing. I hate to say it, but I don't have time for you anymore. I don't even have time for me anymore. Be thankful you're still getting RTW every monday. Sorry you're upset, I really don't have the time to care though.

this post took 5 minutes and I have another meeting in 30 secs and my boss just asked me 15,005 questions.

next time leave your name, that way I can address you personally.

have a nice day.

Cake Monster

apparently I no longer have the use of color fonts either... grrr Mac.

Sari: I have a cupcake
Sari: :-)
Jess: WHATTTTTTTT
Sari: LOL!
Sari: it has pink frosting
Sari: I am just eating the frosting
Jess: NOOOOOOOOOO i am drooling
Jess: I WANT CAKE
Jess: my eyes got really wide when you said that
Jess: lol
Sari: hahha
Sari: I knew you would appreciate it
Jess: appreciate it? i want to get in a cab and steal it
Sari: LOL!!!!!!!!!!1
Sari: love you
Jess: now how am i supposed to concentrate! damn you!

Jammed

Looky what I caught! HAHA only kidding! My friend just happened to email me these pictures the same day Fival my office mouse and I bonded. I bet you this is one of Fival's cousins... poor guy. How the hell did he get into the printer!? Maybe he wanted to get some ink done? Laser hair removal? Silly mouse.

Rough Draft of the Work Moon-o-meter

I am trying to put together a 3 hole punch. Someone keeps stealing the industrial hole punch from the room where it lives. So I decided screw it, I'll just steal myself another one from the supply cabinet. But this is way too much work. Who knew I'd actually have to assemble it. Shouldn't it already be ready for use? The 3 hole punch came with like 8 punchy things all screwed in. Obviously I can't have that. Hence 3 hole punch, not 8. So I had to unscrew them all and remove 5... but I don't have a screw driver. Instead I improvised and had to use my scissors. Then once I had removed the stray extra 5, I had to rearrange the 3 so they were in the right spot and then proceed to screw them back in. Dumbest thing EVER. That literally took me a half an hour. I feel like I'm on Extreme Hole Punch makeover.

Supply and Demand

So besides the office supplies that I brought for myself because of my rampant office supply OCD, I was given the office supply book and told to get myself some stuff I needed. You mean free reign of the office supply book?? I don't know if I feel comfortable with this! I don't want to be thought of as the office supply golddigger. It's like when you marry a rich husband. You don't buy a Porsche the first week, you wait til at least maybe the second. So I ordered myself a desk lamp and a paper clip dish. WOWEE big spender! I'll wait til next week to get the $800 reclining Italian leather desk chair. Meanwhile my desk lamp has instructions that read... keep protective glass in place, see base sticker bebofe change bulb. Bebofe? Is that english?

Keeping Count

I got reprimanded this weekend for having 14 items in the 12 items or less checkout line at the stupidmarket. You have to be kidding me! Meanwhile the elderly man in the motorized wheelchair in front of me spent 15 minutes complaining about the price of his cranberry juice. I really doubt that my extra 2 items were what was holding up the line. But she had to scold me, while I looked at her half dumbfounded, half absolutely shocked/disgusted. Talk about being petty. You work at a supermarket hon... relax.

Things that Deserve some Thought

- Who misses the old Blog? ME ME! Who knew I'd have to do work, at work?
- Can I put a tanning bulb in my desk lamp? That would be awesome.
- Why is it socially unacceptable to take home dessert in a doggy bag? People don't do that do they? I have a rule though, NEVER leave over cake. But I feel like you can't take it home.
- Is it a requirement to have a shaved head if you're a trainer?
- I always used to be curious of people who would lick their finger when going through or seperating a stack of papers. Why would I want that paper now that your saliva is all over it? I don't want wet paper! Now I've noticed I'm a finger licker too...

Fed Sex: The world on time

Thought it was note-worthy to let you know that as we speak, I am moving my way up the Fed Ex food chain! Now I send out international packages as well as domestic! At least here the packing tape doesn't smell like vinegar. Soon, I'll have my own truck! I look good in purple.

Bracket update

Breaking news! Jessica's Stinky Bracket 2005 isn't in last place! I'm currently in 27th place out of 108 entries! Hey it ain't winning, but it ain't last or even bottom half! Gil's in second place. Gil, you're my bracket hero! Will you autograph mine?

Poor 'Cuse

Must you rub it in you BIG BULLY?!??

"And Syracuse? I know, Vermont is good. Vermont had a terrific big guy and a coach with a story. Vermont has the best maple syrup.

But Syracuse should not score 57 points with a lottery pick and against a team with two players. The Orange, who started the season 20-1 by beating the pants off mid-majors on its home court, could not beat a mid-major on the road on a neutral floor.

American beat Vermont. Boston University beat Vermont. Syracuse could not beat Vermont."

I just threw up a little in my mouth. American has a basketball team?? Ray Glier NBCSports.com contributor... I don't know where you live yet you mean, mean guy... but when I figure it out, you won't even hear me coming... 'Cuse basher.

Kiss it goodbye

Goodbye bracket. The madness has consumed you and incinerated your very being. I weep for you, for you are lost, toast, garbage. Oh poor, poor bracket. Poor, poor bracket. Too many upsets, too many high seeds advancing. How could you have known? Oh bracket, it's not your fault. Goodbye sweet bracket, goodbye.

St. Sorry

Yes Kevin is right. I've been so consumed with my bracket and my new job, that I couldn't find the time to locate a good shamrock clip art. I apologize. Green is very in this season, if you didn't know. I did however celebrate the holiday of Green by going to the Kareoke bar next to my new office with some work people. Next year I'll bring me lucky charms... Could I really pass for Irish?

What's on my iPod?: Monkee Business

When I was young, I loved the Monkees, had all their records, watched their tv show, and was totally in love with Davy Jones. I heard the song “Daydream Believer” the other day and I realized that it’s actually a piece of shit song. Davy Jones can’t sing. The words don’t make much sense and at time the whole thing sounds like something that could be on the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas Album. “Last train to Clarksville”… now that’s a hot song…

Listen to the Music

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/03/17/american.idol.ap/index.html

This is how I've been lowered to showing you pictures! Pathetic isn't it! Well if you follow that link... you'll see students in Edison Middle School in good old WO town (West Orange, my town) cheering on their music teacher... Anwar Robinson on American Idol! I wish my music teachers were on American Idol... I doubt they met the age requirements though, because they definitely didn't meet the "cool" requirements!

It's that time...

YES a visual!!! Halle-lujah! Notice the abundance of Orange. Good color. The madness starts! Get out your brackets, join your pools... pick, erase... erase, pick again. So far mine doesn't have holes in it yet from erasing and you'll be happy to know I'm still using the first one. But I'm armed with my lucky purple highlighter, so let's hope Dino-Mac (my pre-historic work computer) has the plug-ins needed to run virtual scores on cbs sportsline... otherwise I'm going to be a little cranky tomorrow. What you ask? Shouldn't I be doing work at work... hmm, k I promise to consider it.

Full House Flowers

Oh gosh I miss pictures! When I get home I will post one just because. But for now... we're going to have to use our imaginations. Imagine a big photo of a goofy smiling Uncle Jessie. Yep Uncle Jessie is getting his own show. One would think the networks could have been a little more creative with the premise, but no... it's about him being single. How mind-blowingly original since his real life split with Rebecca. But anyway... the point of this is that ABC has really gone all out with promotions for this thing. Probably smart since they scheduled it against the OC tomorrow night... genius, pure genius at it's best. People were standing on Park Avenue today giving out flowers from Uncle Jessie. Mine are on my desk right now. I know you're all jealous. I still plan on watching the OC, and humorously after receiving my flowers, couldn't remember for the life of me what the name of his stupid show was... time for some better promotion...

First day

YAWN. Weren't you so upset you didn't have any new posts from me today? That's because I'm still figuring out how to use the poor excuse for a computer that they gave me! Macs look cool and all... but that's about it. Worst freaking computers. Applications are far inferior on the Mac. AIM is a complete nightmare. Not that I'd rather have no AIM than nightmare AIM, but it really is a complete disaster. Steve Jobs and I need to have a discussion, ASAP. Don't think I'll be able to put any pictures up to the blog during working hours either, because my nightmare computer is also currently childproofed. I'm not allowed to download anything unless I ask the administrator. If anyone can come up with a covert way for me to to ask him for the blog imaging program and AOL... let me know.

Orange you glad I didn't say banana

It's that time again! March. Time to break out my orange underwear, rub my stuffed Otto's belly for good luck, drink beer and cheer on my team! GO CUSE! Big East player of the year Hakim Warrick. First team all conference Gerry G-Money McNamara (my boyfriend, love you Ger Ger). One game at a time boys. UConn tonight at 9PM on ESPN... I've got my cheerleading outfit set... do you?

Done at One

Jess-
1) Being a parts model. Which leaves me with only one question... what the #$*@ is wrong with my face??? I will miss playing dress up and being photographed though. Maybe one day I'll see my image on a billboard in Iowa... never know! Oh Cum-stock we've made so many great memories together. I will miss you. Please enjoy a photo montage of my 3 years here.










Sari-
1) is probably too drunk from celebrating last night to even make complete sentences. And at this time I have no idea where she is. Cool!

Don't be Blue, 2

Jess-
2) The Lincoln tunnel. Rush hour. Torture. There was maybe 1 day I can remember when there was no traffic going into the Lincoln Tunnel on my commute. If I remember correctly it must have been the day we had that nuclear holocaust. Yea I know that never happened, but that would be the only rational answer.

Sari-
2)I wont miss being a fancyface at work... I hate wearing suits.... it's CRAP!

Wacko Jacko Update

Jacko decided not to show up for court this morning. The judge issued an arrest warrant for him if he didn't arrive within an hour. Where did they think he went? Where is he really going unnoticed? Is he trying to make himself look bad? Not like he could possibly look any worse, not after what he did to his face. Oh wait... an update. He was taken to the hospital with back pain. Does he have his period? Take 2 midol and show up for court honey...

New Additions to the Quality Words list

The AQW, Academy of Quality Words has announced the newest additions to the list. The votes have been tallied up and the winners are only known to the accounting firm of Ernst and Young. Here they are... the first public announcement of the newest Quality Words...

Poop (as submitted by Kevin)
Fogey
Befuddle
Tinkle
Sippy Cup

Kidnap calamity

Al Queda was going to kidnap Russell Crowe? This is a joke, correct? Can anyone say they would have honestly cared? The reports say it was part of some "cultural destabilization" plot. So they came up with the bright idea to take one of our celebrities? If they took my iPod I'd cry, if they shut down McDonalds I'd cry, if they blacked out all of our digital cable I'd cry, but kidnapping Russell Crowe?... that really has no impact on my life whatsoever. They can have him! In fact while they're at it, can they take a few more really annoying egomaniac celebrities? I can have a list ready by 5PM...

3, Oh the Glee!

Jess-
3) Bus friends. I will always hold a special place in my heart for Terry who used to bring me chicken wings every week, silly hat man #2 whom to this day I do not know his name, big mouth woman who said she was preggers but I never saw her belly get any bigger, the 2 Hispanic guys who just stare, and Mike who talks to me the whole way home about his wife from Georgia... as in Georgia, Russia. Hard to keep a straight face when a guy's telling you about what's basically his mail order Russian bride. Gotta love the bus people.

Sari-
3) I will not miss waking up in the 5 o'clock hour every morning... never seeing the light of day, working 10 hours with no break, not even lunch... nope- won't miss it!

Careful what you read

“I saw Michael’s left hand in my brother’s underwear and saw his right hand in his [own] underwear,” said James, now a 14-year-old in the ninth grade. “He was masturbating. He was rubbing himself.”

Two days later, James claims nearly the same incident occurred. He left the main house and took a golf cart to get some chocolate from Jackson’s theater. When he returned, he again observed Jackson masturbating with one hand while the other explored the other boy’s underwear, according to James.

Absolutely disgusting, positively disturbing, life scarring mental image. Ew, ugh, bluch, yuck, yuch, ick... ICK! I feel like I need to douse my eyes with bleach and then use that little eye water fountain from high school science class after reading that. ::SHUDDER::

Weather or not

I've had about enough of these weathermen. And that completely gay Sam Champion "we are the champions" commercial on ABC... I can hardly keep my food down when that thing comes on. Is that supposed to be for real? Meteorology is SUCH a friggin joke. What the hell happened today boys? You said 1 inch on grassy surfaces starting at noon. However, while you were making yourself all purdy in your dressing rooms... we're getting 3-5 inches and it started at 10AM. Hello? That is a large discrepancy. If you guys can't make successful predictions or even educated guesses, just leave us all alone to fend for ourselves. The only prediction I want to hear comes from The Weather Girls... It's raining men. God bless mother nature.

4, One foot out the door

Jess-
4) The grease truck. The lunch truck that stops near my office and I have a love/hate relationship. The food is cheap and actually not that bad, but there are only so many days a week I can eat cheesy greasy quesadillas and end up wanting to throw up 2 hours later. I crave them full on knowing I will have THE WORST tummy ache after. I will miss that. Goodbye sweet quesadillas. Adios.

Sari-
4) I am not going to miss sitting next to a man with the worst gas problem I have ever encountered and a woman who stares at me all day long.

Ever see the commercial for natural gas heat where they tell you to call 1 800 I've got gas... love that commercial. I think Farty Boy might have to call...

Let's lose this dive, 5

Jess-
5) I guess every list deserves at least one positive. I hate being so negative all the time, it really brings down my serotonin levels. I will miss my co-worker P, Miss Patricia. Without her, I would have lost my mind here long, long ago. And I would have had to have eaten grease truck food 5 days a week, surely causing my immediate death. Ahh P, you and I, two peas in a pod... I will miss our banter. We are such bitches.
*names have been excluded to protect the flood phobic's

P: have you noticed that all of (*random co-worker's) pants are too short for her! its like she recently had a growth spurt
Jess: LOL!!! or maybe she's just scared of the impending flood
Jess: (*other random co-worker)'s are like that too
P: do they know?
Jess: I should lend them my rain boots!
Jess: growth spurt! HAHAHA
P: its funny b/c I notice it everyday!
Jess: (*random co worker) just hit puberty
P: HAHA!

Sari-
5) I will not miss being told that I am not permitted to take my hard earned vacation days, and that being with my family is not as important as the Devil being with her family... Grrrrrrrrr.

The devil A? I sense some bottled up animosity... let it out girl! GRRR!

Sit down into it: A picture is worth how many words?

Thanks to my friend Ehrlich for knowing so well how much I appreciate this kind of humor and hunting down this pic for me. Where to start? Phil, buddy. Listen... it doesn't have to be that painful. Come here, closer... closer. I want to whisper this one word in your ear Philly, but I demand that you stop touching yourself first. Ssshh... lubrication. There's no need to be embarrassed, we're all friends here. And maybe next time take off your pants first to avoid chafing? It could have been worse... it could have been Tiger behind you. You know what they say about going Black. Oh and while we're on topic... nice addition of the golf club prop! I'm impressed. Didn't know you swung that way...

Get in Your Last Licks, 6

Jessica-
6) Doing a job a Chimpanzee could do. Chimps aren't as funny as I am... but that's just a technicality. So I just found my job listed on monster.com... here's what it says...

Responsibilities:
- Keyword new images for weekly upload to website.
- Categorize, in Cumulus, each image chosen for the website.
- Upload all categories and keyword metadata to website, weekly or as needed.
- Edit photo shoots to select images for models personal use and send disks of images to models.
- Process all paperwork from in house and contract photographers.
-Assist with photo shoots when needed.

Qualifications:
- Strong technical skills: knowledge of Internet and database software as well as Word and Excel.
-Knowledge of database software such as Extensis & Cumulus a plus.
- Familiarity with MAC and windows operating systems.
- Highly organized, strong attention to detail, and the ability to multi-task are essential.
- Effectively work independently and also function as part of a team.
- Strong communication, both written and oral are essential.
- College degree a plus.

College degree a plus??? Wow my father will be thrilled he spent $120,000 on my education...

Sari-
6) ... she's still thinking about it. Oh wait, she has submitted "No more cookie passing out." I bet a Chimp would like cookies...

Splitty Pity

So sad. Two celebrity couples have called it quits today. Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are getting a divorce, and Katie Holmes and Chris Klein broke their engagement. The publicists are quoted as saying "They broke off the engagement but are remaining good friends". Puh-leese! I wish for once a publicist would just say... "They broke up and they hate each other. Katie is crying into her Ben and Jerry's with the help of Jared Leto and Chris has already been seen with Paris Hilton canoodling". We can handle the truth... I promise.

7 is heaven

Jessica-
7) Port Authority. My current home away from home. I hate it there. It's like a glorified truck stop. Knowing I won't have to go there everyday makes me want to scream out in glee like Liesl did right after Rolfe kissed her in the rain in The Sound of Music. In the morning it smells like bacon and at night it smells like popcorn. They know exactly how to torture me with their psychological food games. Worst place. But no more!! No more puke authority... authority of puke no more! The hills are alive!!

Sari-
7) No more dodging Peppermint Patties thrown by my boss at my head.

... Sari, I advise you start thinking of something for tomorrow... now. Maybe even jot it down?

Start the Countdown!

8 more days! From now on, one thing I will/won't miss about my current situation for everyday I have left.

8) Alarm clocks are the spawn of the devil. No more alarm at 6:10AM, opening my eyes, staring at the dark ceiling, saying Fuck, and dragging my miserable ass to the bathroom. No more happy and perky Steve Bartelstein and Lori Stokes at 6:15.

Jen chooses... herself?

I would have chosen Mr. Big... oh oops wrong show. I would have chosen Stu... ok wow totally kidding. Poor, poor Jerry. Being as hot as he is, and looking as much like my dream husband Josh Duhamel as he does... I genuinely felt bad for him last night as he received the "let's be friends" rejection from boob and nose job recipient and complete brat Jen Schefft on a live national tv broadcast. I fell off my couch in shock. I have so many questions! Why Jen why? Jerry can I have that ring instead? Am I really still watching this show? For the love of God somebody please do not allow me to watch the next season... I need to make a clean break. No more...

The New Me

I love when the gay guy at work is the only one who notices I dyed my hair 2 shades darker and slightly redder yesterday. I certainly hope there's a gay guy at my new job to notice these things. OH wait... I forgot to tell ya'll... I GOT A NEW JOB! Mere caps lock cannot express my overwhelming excitement! I will warn you that the blog might suffer in the first weeks of my new job, seeing how it's really not that appropriate to be doing that at work... but I will not forget about you! You'll still get RTW... unless I become a boring freak, but we all know that isn't likely! I've got new hair, a new job... and a whole new adventure to look forward to. Out with the old, in with the new!

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

I don’t care if Monday’s blue,
Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too,
Thursday I don’t care about you...
It’s Friday I’m in love!

Sing it with me now!

Just a fool to believe, she's ____ ___ _____...

I can tell you my love for you will still be strong, after the ____ __ ______ ___ ____...

It's been seven hours and 15 days since ___ ____ ____ ____ ____...

Debut of The Quality Words list

Sari and I have started our very own "Quality Words" list. I wish I could explain to you the qualifications words have to meet to make the list... but there really aren't any. We just have to like the word. We are odd, but you knew this already. I prefer to think of it as cute and quirky, but you can think whatever you wish. Here's the list so far... drumroll please...

Vehemently
Congeal
Plop
Duck

We will accept submissions to the "Quality Words" list and review them at our leisure. Good Luck!

Eyewitness Idiots

Which one of these guys knows what they're talking about?? Snow at noon? It's 3:00 boys, I see 3 flakes... Bill, Lee, and Sam. Oh you thought I meant snowflakes? My Accu-track radar is saying you guys SUCK! How am I supposed to leave at 4:00 with just random flurries coming down? The only good thing about working in Jersey, is watching my co-workers standing by the window right now for the last 15 minutes, willing the snow to come down so they can make a case for going home early. If they know a snow dance and they're holding out on me... they're in trouble. I think in my professional opinion that I should still leave early, just as a precaution... oh and the fact that I want to go to the gym... that too...

Who's that doggy in the window?

Oh Dog! I finally got to see that little munchkin Ella Rose last night! I cannot put into words how ridiculously cute this dog is. I wanted to put her in my bag and dognap her! I even picked her up, which I don't usually do with animals... until Jaime thought to inform us that poor Ella pees all over herself since she's so low to the ground and oh look, that's why her whole bottom is yellow. Oh really? Wow, might have been useful info to have known BEFORE...! Oh dog, doggy dog dog... you're still cute anyway and Aunt Jessica will come back to play when you learn not to urinate on yourself...

Touchy Feely

The Jury is set. His public lynching, oops I meant trial, could start as early as next week. This is what they're reporting on MSNBC...

"Among the jurors were a woman who said her grandson was required to register as a sexual offender because of a crime; a woman who said she was related to the pilot of Flight 93, one of the planes that went down on Sept. 11; a 20-year-old man who likes "The Simpsons" TV show; and a man who is interested in Western art and country music. One of the jurors had been asked during selection if he recognized celebrity witnesses in the case including self-help guru Deepak Chopra. He responded, "I think he's a rapper."

A 20 year old man who likes "The Simpsons"? Someone interested in country music? Who the fizzuk is Deepak Choppy? What the hell does any of this have to do with Wacko Jacko... everyone's favorite Touchy Feely clown, getting little boys drunk, showing them porn and touching their Never Lands? I would really like to know. They were upset there were no Blacks on the jury. Also gonna need an explanation on that one. Mikey isn't Black... anymore. Really, what the hell is Mikey now? The only reasonable thing I can think of, is that they wanted at least one representative of each race so that someone would think of him as their own... sadly, no plastic patchwork mutants with strange noses made the cut. Poor Mikey.

Another installment of the Work Moon-o-meter

Today must be national make fun of Jessy day. Couldn't someone have warned me of this? I figured there would be a ton of snow out in Jersey today, so I wore my brand new bright pink rubber rain/snow boots. They are pink and shiny and pretty!!... and they reek to holy hell like rubber, they smell like a really big condom. At least I thought they were cute, until my MEAN boss comes in and says, "nice boots, are you planning on going wading in a river?" How rude!!! It took all of my self control not to respond "nice hair, are you planning on time traveling back to 1985?"... but I didn't. Then on my way back from lunch, someone else was like "wow nice boots, are you expecting a flood?" According to the work moon-o-meter scale, this rates a 7... because I cried to my mom when she im'd me to ask if there were slush puddles in the city and I was wearing my boots. Mean, mean people! They're cute I say!

T Mobile: Get More... naked Paris

Someone hacked into Paris Hilton's sidekick? (sorry I had to leave the room to roll on the floor laughing... I'm back now). Were they dying to know when to add the fabric softener or how to test the ripeness of melons?? Really all they found were some celebrity phone numbers and pictures of Paris' ripe melons. Shouldn't come as much of a surprise to anyone that Paris has naked pictures of herself on her PDA, they're everywhere else so why the hell not! Doesn't everyone have that? Or, uh... I mean, certainly I don't, no... not anymore. Please, I bet you Paris did this herself as a publicity stunt, then tried to claim she was hacked so we'd all feel bad for her and not wonder why she bothers to ever wear clothes in the first place. There's a valuable lesson to be learned here... don't give your password out EVER. Sari gave me her password to her Gmail account once, I'm gonna go hack it now... naked pictures of her will be posted to the internets shortly...

F*cking Stu: Tells All

After reprising his role last night on "The Men tell All" Bachelorette special as reality tv's most beloved stalker and number 1 resident in fantasy Stu-land ("I'm totally in love with Jen, and she's in love with me too, she just doesn't know it yet.."), I am just left with a few lingering questions...

Stu, was that a velvet blazer you were wearing?
How much would I have loved to have been in that audience?
Can I please get an estimate of the amount of time Stu has logged in the tanning booth in the past week?
Fabrice is widely rumored to be gay, and he ended up being assigned to room with Stu? Coincidence? They'd actually be quite cute together...
How funny was it when they asked Fabrice why he was freaked out to learn that 2 of the guys on the show were still virgins and his response was "I've never heard of such a thing!"
How equally funny was it when they showed a clip of one of the virgins claiming his "body is not a carnival ride that is just come up and pull the ticket and wait your turn"... and then the host asked "what if in a few years you realize your body is actually a carnival ride and you've been missing out all these years..."

Yes, sadly I still watch this show... oh and I really like riding the ferris wheel...

What's on my iPod?: Sing Along Fridays

Baby if you give it to me, I'll give it to you... I know what you want... you want Sing Along Fridays!! So you shall have it, I say!

And honey I said, little ___ _____, baby you're ____ ___ ____...

Hello?, is it __ _____ _____ ___...

_____ ___ _____?, I want to free my soul...


I haven't quite figured out why it is now insisting the picture come after the text... but I hate it and rest assured I am working on it...

Quickies

A new British study says taking birth control pills alters women's taste in men. "In other words, men who look healthy and strong are appealing; men who look ill are not." They needed to perform a study for this? If the only thing causing you to shy away from "ill" looking men is a pill... something is severely wrong. Who isn't attracted to sickly looking men? I like mine as close to death as possible...

Speaking of British and men, actor Alan Cumming, who apparently notably played a desk clerk in "Eyes Wide Shut" and I'm sure had a cameo in "Love Actually"... since every other British person was in it, has come out with his own cologne line. Named... ok one guess? Give up? "Cumming". If my sickly man smelled like cumming... wow, it'd be really hard to control myself. I'm sure the holiday gift set comes with the body lotion they named "Cumming All Over" and personally I'd also add a shower gel I would dub "Cumming in the shower" or an after shave balm "Cumming on your face". Imagine if they made a suppository... ok I know, I wish I could take that back too, but I already put it out there, so just laugh...

Have Faith

This just in... George Michael is quitting pop music!! Was he still doing pop music and we just didn't know? Can we go on without him? Well at any rate, he's quitting. I would quit too if I looked like that. What a very unflattering photo... he looks really old. And besides, he has two first names... what's up with that? I will always remember you George Michael, for making me very uncomfortable every time "I want your sex", or that line about being naked in "Father Figure" came on when I was younger and in the car with my mom... your legacy lives on buddy!

Dollface

Mara: tell him to shut his pie hole unless he wants a case of wayne brady bobbleheads anonymously sent to him in the mail
Jess: you have those?????
Jess: i want!!!
Mara: i do!
Mara: they're fabulous
Jess: I WANT ONE!!
Mara: hes singing into a mic....and my boss covered his face once with a cutout of Clay
Jess: i need that doll ASAP
Jess: mer gency
Mara: hmmmmm what do I get
Jess: um....
Mara: a free dinner in san marco island perhaps???
Jess: hmmm i can arrange that
Mara: hmmmm that seems too easy
Jess: i said arrange it...
Jess: and what did people lay claim to these dolls already? they're that popular?
Jess: is there a waiting list?
Jess: is it like a birkin bag???????????

Sari: whatcha doin?
Jess: trying to persuade mara to give me a wayne brady bobble head doll
Sari: lol
Sari: seriously...?

Toon Time

Oy vey. Would you let someone who looked like that anywhere near your kid? And we used to think clowns were scary! No don't adjust your monitor, the cartoon image is actually a 100% likeness of what Jacko really looks like... who else can you say that about?