The AARP hates me

In my continued effort to offend everyone and/or highlight the ridiculousness of the majority of people in our society, I’d like to focus today on the third tier of people who seem to think they can do whatever they want... Old people. Yesterday while I was waiting for the bus, I chose to sit in the last of three seats at the bus stop. Some of the newer bus stops have a bench that is designated, with partitions, into three separate seats. I was sitting near the edge of the bench with my purse next to me on the seat, when an older woman walked over, eyed my bag and said “is that your purse”? When I went to move it, she motioned like she was going to sit down. Let’s stop here and review a couple sentences back when I mentioned that the bench is partitioned into three seats. Was I supposed to let her sit basically on me, in what was designed to be ONE SEAT? Sorry Charlie. So of course, as these situations tend to go, the other person is the clear rude one, but somehow you end up being the bitch... I said to her “yes, but it’s one seat...” You can imagine to yourself what my face looked like.

Example 2. Today while in the Duane Reade downstairs with my co-worker Caryn, we were patiently waiting on line so that I could purchase my Goldfish crackers, because apparently as of recent I only eat snacks that are in the shape of fish. An older gentleman was milling around the checkout area and fully cut the entire line. He was lucky he had a cane... (not because I feel bad for him not being able to stand around and wait in line, but because I was scared he’d beat me with it if I said anything to him...)

I swear I really do like kids and animals...

This post is bound to offend someone, but hell, it surely wouldn’t be the first time...

It seems that if you have something smaller than you that is generally considered cute, for example a kid or a dog, you are somehow excused from normally acceptable courteous behavior. One would never think to get on a crowded subway or bus, find no seats available, turn to a friend and whine “I want to sit dowwwwwnnnn” and expect anyone to actually get up. However when a kid does it, that’s somehow okay? I find this so perplexing. Your kid’s rough life consists of attending preschool, finger painting all day and going to bed at 7pm, he definitely has more energy than I do, I’m pretty sure he’ll be fine standing. I’d get up for the elderly dude with the walker or the preggers lady, but that’s about it. Are we really expected to forfeit our seats and therefore teach your child that whining can get him things that he wants? Why don’t you instead politely inform your child that we do not behave like that in polite society? Oh that’s right because everything kids do is precious.

Dogs are cute too, so by this rule it’s okay when walking yours to criss-cross the entire sidewalk like you were impersonating a drunk, have the leash extended to roughly 5 feet so that if anyone wanted to actually pass you, they’d have to jump rope, and randomly just stop short. All of that ridiculous behavior is somehow okay because you have a fluffy dog? I f*&king hate people.

Putting out an APB

WANTED!!!!

Severely deranged individual (and possible accomplices) who consumed and/or stole my pregnant friend’s birthday cupcakes. Be on alert that the suspects are sneaky and apparently very hungry.

6 large cupcakes from Crumb’s bakery, last seen in my friend’s office refrigerator yesterday afternoon have thus since disappeared. This is most likely not the first time a refrigerator bandit has struck and commandeered something that belonged to someone else from a work fridge. But I thought it was pretty clear that you don’t mess with someone else’s cupcakes. I urge whomever has committed this atrocity to come forward. If you turn yourself in, and therefore avoid us having to finger print the fridge and track your trail of frosting... Oh and trust me we will find you, my friend is obsessed with CSI... Maybe, just maybe, I’ll convince the hormonal pregnant lady to go easy on you....

Let’s not speak... Let’s just gawk

Ok, now we can speak. Apparently Mikey will not be appearing on the Wheaties box. No, it will be Kellogg’s instead.

Access Hollywood reports that Kellogg’s confirmed to them that Phelps will appear on both Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes.

Frosted Flakes?? Isn’t Tony the Tiger gonna be KINDA pissed off? He definitely does not think that is “gr-r-reat!”. And why must Mikey appear on Flakes boxes? Because Wheaties is flakes too? Is there some kind of athlete/flake law? Why the hell can’t he appear on Cocoa Krispies? Because I’m telling you, in a brawl between Mikey and all 3 of those cereal mascots, Snap, Crackle, and Pop are the first ones going down, followed closely by the Corn Flakes chicken. Tony is totally going to put up a decent fight.

Dreamweaver

Sat at home and laughed my ass off during this segment of the Today Show this morning. Definitely worth viewing.

More Olympics Quickies

Michael Phelps is a god. I can’t even dive without holding my nose, but I am loving this swimming. I am so in awe of these new high tech suity outfits they are wearing. My dad and I were talking about it the other night. Each suit costs about $500 and apparently they only last a couple days because they are so difficult to get in and out of. After informing me that it takes about a half hour to carefully get into that contraption without ripping it, he goes on to ask very philosophically… What happens if they have to pee? Do they pee in the Olympic pool? They so do. Doesn’t everyone pee in the pool?

Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor are the coolest chicks on the beach. However, they should probably never leave the beach again. The footage that was shown last night of them on their day off touring China ruined my perception of them as cool forever. Walsh was wearing shorts and white socks LITERALLY pulled up to her calves. Are you my Grandfather or the most amazing beach volleyball player ever? Meanwhile Misty was doing some sort of chicken dance down the steps of a Chinese temple. This is not my Bat Mitzvah, it’s the Olympics. I’m not sure if they can ever be cool again after that.

Wow, scary accurate

If anyone was ever interested in what I actually do... Let’s just say... I thought up what it says on the hypothetical stop sign.

Olympic Quickies

Coca cola is running their “collectible cans” commercials. They have Olympic commemorative cans. Yippee. Who the hell cares? Who collects soda cans?… well besides the bums in my neighborhood. I'm sure they're stoked.

So much is being made of this USA vs. China rivalry. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I’m pretty confident in our abilities. We beat them at Basketball. Although if the Olympic Committee added a new event called Dating White Guys… we’d definitely lose.

3 words. Michael Phelps’ body. Spectacular. He doesn’t even have to get in the pool to win a gold medal in my eyes, as soon as that shirt comes off... Everyone wins.

An open letter to John Edwards

Dear John,

I regret to inform you that it has come to my attention, and every other person’s since it is plastered in 20 point font as breaking news on MSNBC, that you are a cheating scumbag. Not only could you not keep it in your pants while you were attempting to run for the highest office, clearly learning nothing from those who have thought with the wrong head before you, but you also cheated on a wife who has CANCER. You are the lowest of the lowbags. You are so low, you are practically in the earth’s core. I am ashamed to admit that I donated hours of my time volunteering with your sham of a campaign. In fact, I would like my time back.

Moving forward while we all heal, I have to say, if there is anything I have learned from this situation it is that I should not doubt the truth uncovering power of The National Enquirer. There is some seriously award winning detective work being done there.

In conclusion, I hope your wife leaves you. Or better yet, I hope she kicks your scrawny ass, because she can, messes up your pretty boy hair, and then leaves you.

Good luck with the love child you claim is not yours! Clearly you are very forthcoming with the truth.

Best Regards!

Nothing funny about that

The new Fall television season is almost upon us. Every year this is like the ultimate crap shoot for me. Somehow I always end up choosing incorrectly and investing my time in shows like "The Nine", or "Kidnapped" which get canceled before they are ever resolved. Talk about TV blue balls. How am I supposed to go about living without ever knowing how it was supposed to end?? I need closure!

This summer I got sucked into Last Comic Standing. Generally I enjoyed it. Everyone can use an hour or so of lighthearted comedic attempts to brighten up the week. (Probably why half of you are reading this blog post right now). Well last night was the finale where they crowned the winner. I DVR'd it and attempted to catch part of it this morning before some dickwad news site like CNN ruined it for me. Alas, during playback I realize what I am watching is in fact not Last Comic Standing, rather America's Got Talent. Somehow the presence of the Hoff must have tipped me off. WTF??? Are you kidding??? How am I supposed to know who wins??? If I continue to use three question marks, will I ever get the answers I demand???

I think this post I found on a fansite sums it up quite nicely...

Yeah, thanks for nothing NBC.
If I wanted to watch America's Got Talent I would have set the DVR for it.
Douche Bags
NBC Sucks | Aug 8, 2008 10:36:54 AM |

Bitchtastic

In accordance with exactly how my life would go, since I made the resolute vow to talk to Cameron Mathison the next time I saw him or be struck down on the spot and forever branded as the cowardly lion, I have not run into him again. I mean who among us couldn’t have seen that one coming?? So today I choose to bring you other All My Children related fun. I have been watching this webisode series called Imaginary Bitches, starring and created by one of the actresses that used to be on my show, who (whom?) I actually met briefly at the rooftop party many years ago with my friend Mara. The show is absolutely hilarious and I firmly believe you should watch it, now. I’ve taken the liberty of posting one of my favorite episodes, the rest of the series can be viewed at imaginarybitches.com. I promise you will not want these 7 minutes of your life back.

Gone fishin...

Every two or three days the same thing happens, like clockwork. My co-worker Caryn comes over to my desk, asks if I want to take a walk and I say “yes, I ran out of fishies.” So off to Duane Reade we go, so I can spend $4.31 on two bags of assorted fish. I don’t think there’s another person on the planet who eats as many Swedish fish as I do. I’m not even sure how it happened. I used to be into the Jujy fruits, but who wants to eat fruits when you can eat fish!... By the pound. Awesomely enough, I was at a college themed party in Phili last weekend and someone brought Swedish fish soaked in vodka. WHY did I not know about this until now?? Do you know how much better my afternoons could be if I let my fish go swimming in Smirnoff?? Oh the possibilities...

Bat Update

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight????? First off, for all the great buzz Heath Ledger is getting for his amazing performance in the new Batman movie, I have to say... Jack, when he killed the Wayne parents... I was pretty damn scared! Well I was also 9.

Anywho, the bat is officially gone from my house. Although that didn't stop me from thinking I heard weird noises in my room when I was home. Especially since it looked like my room had been ransacked. Pictures turned down, stuff everywhere, bed unmade. Apparently they found the bat hiding behind my dresser. No Mara, sadly it was not found on my prom dress. The only things on that puppy are moth balls.