Deep thought of the Day

"Isn't it discourging that it takes so much effort and physical exertion to exercise, yet so little to shove a donut down your throat..."

Nicole: although it takes even LESS effort to shove a munchkin down there
Jess: or 3, or 4
Nicole: since it's a similar shape as your esophogus
Jess: or 40
Jess: i really like munchkins
Nicole: me too
Nicole: i really really like them
Nicole: the glazed, those are my favorite
Jess: oooh chocolate glazed are good too
Nicole: the powdered ones make me sneeze
Nicole: and breathe funny
Jess: powdered ones are subpar
Jess: those are the ones you eat if none of the good ones are left
Nicole: agreed
Nicole: wholeheartedly agree

Today's thought has been brought to you by NYSC, reminding you that Dunkin Donuts is a cult...

Caption Me

Let's play another rousing game of "Caption Me"... or rather I'll play, since nobody else seems the least bit interested lately... which is fine, don't worry I'm not bitter. As long as I'm having fun... I guess that's all that matters! I will only post 2 of my own comments this time, in order to not steal anyone's thoughts... and come on, this is an easy one... Bush bashing is like breathing to most of us...



"Very, very bad man"

"look guys!, look what I found in my nose!"

One lucky soldier...

Guess what??? I just signed up to write to a soldier in Iraq!! How fun is that! I really am SO very excited! When I was in elementary school, my whole class wrote to soldiers in Desert Storm and I was the only one who received a letter back... so when I heard on the radio that Manhattanville college had set up a program called "My Soldier", I decided this was a GREAT idea! If anyone wants more information on the program to write to a soldier of their own, let me know... otherwise you are more than welcome to include letters, well wishes, or small gifts to my soldier! As soon as I get their information, you'll be the first to know!

1904

I just got this forward about the year 1904, a mere 100 years ago.

In 1904 the average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. Excuse me? You could easily blow that in one night in NYC. One bottle of Asbolut for the table at Le Snooty Patooty... and you'd blow your whole year's salary!

In 1904 most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Holy bejesus! I dyed my hair dark reddish brown a few weeks ago, but I used stuff that says it will wash out in 28-30 shampoos... ya know, just in case I didn't like it. Well I did like it, a lot. So I tried to not wash my hair everyday so that I wouldn't have to see the pink water going down the drain and be sad. BUT by day two... I looked like a Puerto Rican and my brother was calling me Guadalupe Fernandez.

In 1904 the five leading causes of death in the US were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

... there was a time when you could die from diarrhea?? That is just mind boggling.

In 1904 Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." So not only could you die from diarrhea, but in fact Heroin seemed to be a likely cure. Is anyone else still trying to fathom this??

Mary, will you Mary me?

The Bachelor is definitely one of the gayest shows on television, yet I can't stop watching it! It's like watching a train wreck. This time however I couldn't be happier that Mary got her man... her fisherman, Byron... one of the country's most eligible bachelors?? I'd love to know what exactly ABC's qualifications are for having that status. Who knew Byron even existed before this show, let alone how eligible he was! Well, YAY Mary! Let's hope it lasts so we don't have to see her come back a third time...

Be Thankful

Today is the annual Thanksgiving pot luck lunch here at Cum-stock. The first year when I'd only been working for a month and actually liked it here because I didn't know any better, I baked some kind of chocolate chip cookie bar concoction. Last year I brought napkins, and this year I wanted to bring grenades, but sadly that wasn't on the list and the napkins and other paper goods were already taken... so I brought supermarket macaroni salad. Hey, just be thankful I didn't bring arsenic apple pie or ricin rice pilaf. Hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving!

Caption Me... or I'll Pee

"gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now, gotta go..."

"I don't really care that you're Britney Spears, I was here first... you're a dancer, do the pee pee dance... you are NOT cutting me skank"

"KEVIN!! I thought you said gonorrhea wasn't contagious..."

"Man that red bull sure goes right through me"

Come on guys, this is an easy one...

Oh it's just too easy...

Bushie was busy this weekend taking on many different personas. First we see him here playing dress up with Putin, disguised as a Mexican Cucaracha singer. All he needs are some maracas and the frock will be complete.
Putin: Hurry up and take these photos already this thing is itchy. Maybe if I put my head down people won't be able to tell it's me.
Bush: This looks like the smock I wear when it's finger painting time in the oval office! Wait... is that a bird? Fly, fly little bird. Oh how cute...
Guy behind them: Suckers!


Next here he is playing macho man, sacrificing himself for the sake of his secret service bodyguard. Aren't they supposed to be protecting him from that sort of thing? Guarantee he was whining and screaming "Give me him, he's mine! Give him to me or you'll be sorry... do you know who my dad is??" Who knew he was so confrontational! They could use him in Fallujah... hell, they could've used him in Auburn Hills...

And it just took me 35 minutes to figure out how to post more than one picture in one post... excellent use of company time if I do say so myself...

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a brawler

Ok I hate to have to tell you this, but I've spent the last 10 minutes of my life watching online videos of the Indiana-Detroit fight. Let's see, they have the "raw fight footage" and then the "unedited fight scenes"... I seem to only be missing the special 2 disc collector's edition director's cut with deleted scenes, player interviews and outtakes? I only have one question, well besides why anyone would pay like $6 for a beer and throw it on a player instead of drinking it...? What happened to all the security? They didn't seem to have a problem bringing cops in riot gear onto the field during the Yankee game... I mean really. I bet you I know what happened, the fan told Artest that the rap album sucked, so Artest pounded him... way to be gansta brotha... now you'll have the rest of the season to promote away... scumbag

Racking up the wins

And just like that... we have our first tournament title!! We won the Coaches vs Cancer classic Friday night! Look at my Gerry, how cute is he!! We're on our way...

General Mills, we need to talk...

Boy would I hate to have been the unlucky woman who had to respond to my ridiculous complaints about their below average Clam Sauce product... But here is her response in it's entirety...

Thank you for contacting Progresso regarding your disappointment with our product. Our goal is to give consumers quality products at a good value. Prior to introducing any product, extensive consumer testing is done. Each product must receive a high rating in our testing program before it goes on the market. We will pass your comments along to our product team.

Unfortunately, there would not be a way for you to purchase the product prior to reformulation. You may need to keep looking at your local grocery store.

We are eager to regain your goodwill and hope you will give us another opportunity to serve you. Thank you again for taking the time to contact us.

Sincerely,
Amy Metzger
General Mills
Consumer Services

Listen Amy... I don't know what kind of second rate testing program you're running here, but clearly someone with ACTUAL taste buds should have been on the panel. You may not have my goodwill... I'm buying the generic...

Calling all troops

Ok people we have to mobilize here! I have a huge problem and I need your help! I have taken a liking to Progresso White Clam sauce, but now they have come out with a "new and improved" version... and let me warn you, it is new, but definitely not improved. I hate it. Tastes like crap. Bluch. Vomit. So I've been trying to buy all of the old cans before all the new ones hit the shelves, like a squirrel stocking up for winter. This is a crusade people! My stash is depleting... HELP! If you see these un-new cans, you must alert me immediately! Do not give them to canned food drives for Thanksgiving... GIVE THEM TO ME!! You can also call this customer service number for Progresso and tell them you hate the new sauce and it should be recalled immediately... 1-800-248-7310 between (7:30 a.m. - 5:30 p.m. CT, weekdays)! Knew I could count on you guys!...

ClayDD

Jess: all mara does all day is read shit about clay
Jess: it's really unhealthy
Sari: I know
Sari: lol
Sari: she is sick
Jess: i didn't realize it'd gotten this bad
Jess: hahahah
Sari: I think we need to do an intervention
Jess: i think so too
Sari: she downloads the same videos OVER and OVER... they are just from SLIGHTLY different perspectives
Jess: lol
Sari: like 1 foot difference
Jess: she's out of control

Sari: that's it
Sari: we are doing an intervention
Sari: I am calling up Disney and making them block all Clay websites from your PC
Mara: dont you dare!
Jess: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Jess: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Mara: i would reeeeeely never speak to you ever again
Mara: EVERRRRRRR
Sari: Mara- we are concerned for your sanity

Jess: LOL
Sari: her mental health is on the line
Jess: i know, this is serious
Jess: do they make a clay patch?
Jess: hi my name's mara and i'm an aikenaholic
Sari: HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHA

Jess: you have a clay addiction
Mara: i have ClayDD
Jess: oy vey

Jess: she'll be sorry when it shows up on my blog
Sari: I have a confession to make
Jess: oh no, you like him too?
Sari: I was secretly hoping that this convo would make it
Jess: hahah!
Sari: the world should know about Mara's addiction
Sari: the first step is admitting you have a problem

Caption Me

Here's the first image for the Caption Me game! Here are some of mine, but it's really not as much fun unless you post your own. You can post anonymously or you can register for a name, but just click no if they ask if you want to start your own blog... unless of course you do want to do that, then by all means...

"HEHE, I just nominated someone named Spellings to be the secretary of education! HA HA Spellings, Education... get it? I am so clever"

"sleeping while standing up isn't so bad..."

"Bush is this smart, and an eight year old is this smart... clearly we have an education problem!"

"You put both hands in, you put both hands out, you put both hands in, and you shake it all about"

"I think she might break into tai-chi and attack me... I better just stand here frozen and stare at her rack..."

Another installment of the Work Moon-o-meter

I just received an email from HR claiming they were "excited" to be able to offer the week between Christmas and New Years as an "optional" work week. At first you're thinking that's great! Of course if I had the option I wouldn't work! BUT... read on and it says I can use my vacation days, or choose to work and not get paid.

Co-worker: Here we go with their offer to let us not work and not get paid. I believe that's what's known as QUITTING.
Jess: I was JUST writing you! You beat me to it! This email is such a load of BS! "optional time"... I love how their "excited" and they make it seem like it's some kind of big perk when really it is absolutely NOTHING
Co-worker: HA. I knew we'd be on the same wavelength. Your assessment is absolutely correct. Might as well have been a blank e-mail. I deleted it.

What a complete farce! They should be embarrassed that they even sent that email let alone came up with that ludicrous idea... this EASILY rates at least a 9...

NFL gets Desperate

Ok wait I'm confused. They made ABC apologize for a steamy intro to MNF that included Nicolette Sheridan in a towel making sexual overtures at Terrell Owens? The NFL called the intro "inappropriate and unsuitable for our 'Monday Night Football' audience." Maybe they're confused as to their audience? I kinda thought it would be mostly males ages 13-60, so I'm still not quite sure why they had to apologize? Men were complaining about this? Are you sure? As long as there were no booby slips, I really don't see the problem. The only thing really worth complaining about would be the fact that they didn't use Eva Longoria because she is smoking hot and Nicolette is plastic not...

Quickies

MNF last night, Donovan McNabb scrambled for 14 seconds then completed a 60 yard pass downfield... unreal. He truly is amazing, I bet his mom was proud...

Clay Aiken on Larry King. Mara was glued to the screen and TIVO'd it, and if she could then sleep with the TIVO, she would have.
Mara: he called him something like "the next celine dion"...i was like huh, excuse me?
Jess: yea EXCUSE ME??? Nuh uh
But Mara will be purchasing his Christmas album and I'd be lying if I said I didn't own Celine's and sing along to "O Holy Night" like any good Celine adoring Jew would do... but that's about the end of the similarities.

Homeland Security something or other Tom Ridge just resigned. Man they're dropping like flies... maybe Condi Rice can do ALL their jobs!!

Time for new Cabinetry

4 cabinet members have already resigned from the administration. Maybe if a few more follow the pack, Bush will get confused and resign too... yea I know... silly dreams. But in other news, apparently Canada feels so much pity for us that they are urging Canadians: "Open your heart, and your home. Marry an American. Legions of Canadians have already pledged to sacrifice their singlehood to save our southern neighbors from four more years of cowboy conservatism." Hmmm Canada, how unselfish of them... wonder what it's like there, prolly cold. What about Mexico? Are they opening their borders and vowing matrimony too? Might not be a bad idea... I mean who's scarier Cheney or a Mexican druglord?? A Mexican trying to speak English or Bush trying to speak English?? These are too close to call...

Stern/Jameson 2008

As an addendum to today's RTW about the looming possibility of Hillary vs. Schwarzenfocker '08, I thought we should discuss some other viable options. I read on msnbc last week that in order to get "in touch" with the rural red state voters, Washington Democrats need to eat at Applebee's, Denny's and Cracker Barrel???? They're kidding right? That is their solution? Forget that crap, let's make this interesting... while avoiding bad food. I propose we run Howard Stern and Jenna Jameson on the Democratic ticket in '08. Don't lie, how f'ing great would that be! Imagine the endless possibilites of fund raising events! If it's between eating at Denny's or losing... might as well lose and have some fun with it! All those conservative Christian Jesus freaks would have a cow... oh wait, they probably already have like 5 cows. Howard for Prez! It would certainly be a campaign nobody would forget for quite some time... HEY NOW!

AMA Wrap Up

Diana Ross is either illiterate or apparently still doing drugs, because what she was saying was definitely not rational english...
If I won one of these, I'd be forced to thank Abraham, Moses, Jacob, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah...
Is is just me or are Jessica Simpson's performances gut wrenchingly boring? The only thing that kept me amused was counting how many times she caressed her own face...
Ok even JoJo can read the teleprompter correctly and she's like 12? Poor Diana...
I see Rod Stewart in really ugly red plaid pants, and I think to myself what a very fashion challenged world...
Someone wrote a song called "Red Neck Woman"??? Does anyone need any more proof that the south is like a completely different country? Wow.
Eva Longoria... ME-OW... Bon Jovi... ME-OW. I heart Jon Bon Jovi. Hello Lover, Come to mama...
Sheryl Crow looked like there was at least a 75% chance she'd crap her pants before she finished accepting her award...
Janet managed to keep her blouse on this time... kudos to her...
Josh Groban, jury's still out... cute or not cute? The boy sure as hell can sing though... which is more than Ashlee Simpson can say, she should be ashamed to be in the same business...
The rest of the show sounds kinda boring... sorry I'm changing the channel, you're gonna have to go it alone from here on in... good luck

Hallelujah, AMEN and all that

GUILTY!!!!! Scotty SOB is getting exactly what he deserves. 1st degree of Laci, lesser charge of the fetusbaby... but I'll take it! Where's your big cocky smile now?? Life in the slammer baby or maybe even death! I hope he cries, damn coward. Scott scum of the earth, let me give you some advice... don't drop the soap buddy...

Let's get quizzical

Jess: I just took the Desperate Housewives quiz and umm.... i am lynette.... AHHHH
Jess: that is not ok
Mara: hahahaha
Mara: i was susan!
Jess: that's better than lynette!!!!
Jess: she has 4 KIDSSSSSSSSSSSS
Mara: haaaaaaaaaa and takes ritilin
Jess: OMG!!!
Jess: hahahahhaha
Jess: i'd take ritalin too if i had 4 kids
Mara: doesnt she only have 3
Jess: 3, 4... who cares! still too many
Jess: did u see i was seth in the OC quiz
Jess: who were you again?
Mara: i was kirsten
Jess: you're my mom
Mara: haaaa...u were seth?
Jess: at least we weren't luke

GO OrangeMEN

That most fabulous time has come again and you know what it's called... let's all say it together... CUSE BBALL! We are pre-season ranked as #6 and our first game is tonight at 7:30 against Northern Colorado. We all know how I love that Gerry! Oh Gerry baby, light it up! And Hakim... love the sweatband darling! And Craig Forth...??? Craig Forth?, isn't he like 35 years old by now?? GO CUSE!

What's the Big F'ing Deal?

Tons of controversy over the airing of "Saving Ryan's Privates" oops make that "Saving Private Ryan" tonight on ABC. They are showing it uncut, which apparently means the F word will appear repeatedly on network tv tonight starting at around 8PM. Kind of F'ing hard to believe, yet F'ing amazing. Guess in which states they're refusing to air the movie... come on F'ing guess! They're so scared of the FCC, that they wish to believe the troops are saying "Oh Phooey, there goes my leg"... gosh we are oh so moral. And the violence, ugh it's just too much. It's not like our troops are encountering that everyday in Falloonyjah...

Wipe off that smirk

Raise your hand if you think Scott Peterson is innocent. Ok I see two hands. Scott because he's a liar, and Mark Geragos because he's getting paid to say that. I know, I know... innocent until proven guilty. But you mean to tell me there's someone who actually believes a random person killed a poor defenseless preggers lady for absolutely no reason, then took the time to frame 'ol Scotty boy, who was busy having an affair, lying about everything, dying his hair and running off? If that jury lets a douche bag baby killer walk free, then they are seriously out of touch with reality... and I bet I know who they voted for...

And many more...

Today is my grandpa's BIRTHDAY! Oh Grandpa! How cute is he?!! We respect our elders here at the RTW Blog, so we couldn't let the day go by unnoticed! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAMPS! (Yo sibling... don't forget to call him later...!)

Britney's at 14:59 and counting...

Hold your horses, we almost forgot! Brit's greatest hits album drops today! We should be ashamed of ourselves for forgetting something this important. I mean look at her... all greased up, airbrushed thin, bra and boyshort clad, and being attacked by a strange furry neck thing and poofy arm leather sleeved bolero jacket for the cover. This is her moment in the sun... no cheetos, no red bull, no naster-ific hubby or his bastard children. I will make a deal with you B, I will buy your album... if you promise that Kev-o will get a vasectomy and stop trying to populate the earth with his offspring...

A Rocket Crock - et

You know who Yankee fans hate almost as much as the whole city of Boston? Roger Clemens. That backstabbing liar of a maggot just won the Cy Young for the seventh time. Guess we all should have seen that coming, just kick us while we're down Rog. How's that retirement going old buddy? Oh swell A? You are almost the equivalent to Cher, who's had like 5 farewell tours and is STILL not gone...

Josh Du(me!)hamel

With all the photos I've put up lately for the guys to enjoy, I thought I'd put one up for the ladies... although you can't have him because I've already claimed him and I will fight to the death for him... be warned. He doesn't have to flash the paparazzi his private parts, but I wish he would... he is still so freaking hot with all his clothes on. Yum yum gimme some. If that's not a reason to shop at The Gap right there, someone please name one...

Skank War II

I don't know about you guys, but I've seen enough. Apparently Paris was jealous that Tara's fake boob was getting all the attention, she felt so lonely and left out of the spotlight... so she decided to do one better and lift up her dress to let the... uh... beaver out of the bag. Dirty Skank much? This war is going to be over tomorrow when Lindsay Lohan just shows up somewhere butt naked and outdoes them both... just you wait

Snow way!

Yea... just FYI, it happens to be snowing in Syracuse right now. Gotta love it. And yes, that picture is another one of my really fun modeling gigs, reminiscent of how I used to look going to class in Cuse. Oh wait, I forgot... I tried to employ a "Snow=no go" policy... but it ended up not working out so well since it snowed all the freaking time...