The day every girl dreams of

Congratulations are in order! I married the photocopy machine the other day! I'm sorry you guys couldn't be there to share in our happy day... but it was beautiful. I would have cried, but then the ink might have run. We are registered at Staples and Office Depot and hope to have many little toner and ink babies running around ASAP!

I might try to divorce him next week though and get a part time job at kinko's instead. I don't like to be tied down to only one copier...

Sing, sing a song

2 art directors having a conversation about one of our Power Point presentation decks. I walk by.

Cute Art Director in my office: hey jessica, do you know how to adjust style formats in power point?
Me: (stifling laughter) Say wha? Excuse me?
Cute Art Director in my office: I figured people with a liberal arts degree and a business background would have some higher level experience with the program
Me: uhhh... I have a music degree... I could sing you a song?

The boys of summer

A friend of mine sent me this article which was in the NY Times about a Staten Island girl and her dating life. I have excerpted my favorite part for your enjoyment.

"'A guy from the Bronx isn't going to come all the way out here," she said, "so it's all people you grew up with or Jersey Shore boys, and I'm not into doot-a-doots."

Doot-a-doots?

She gestured toward the dance floor, where a couple of guys with
spray-on tans pummeled the air to the beat of Snoop Dogg's "Drop It
Like It's Hot."

"You know, a Tony, a Joey," Ms. Shammas explained. "Carries the
invisible suitcases and waxes his body hair." Or as she once wrote in a
blog, "A five o'clock shadow is nice on your face, but not on your
arms."


Carries the invisible suitcases!!! The mental image of that caused me to laugh in my apartment alone for 15 minutes. Bullseye! 10 for excellence in descriptive accuracy! LOVE IT. Still not sure what a doot-a-doot means though... is that referring to the way they walk??

A letter to anonymous

Dear Anonymous poster,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to take out your anger on my poor defenseless blog. Since you clearly have all of this free time to check it and realize that it now is "not as funny"... why don't you start your own blog? I would absolutely LOVE to see how funny you are. Especially considering you couldn't even post your criticism under your name. I actually have a real job now, not a lame boring fake one. This computer is literally a fossil that could have been dug up on an archeological exploratory dig. I can't put up pictures or even use color. Everyone talks all day here, loudly, annoyingly. The second I would sit down to even breathe in some air, someone else is calling my name or my phone is ringing. I hate to say it, but I don't have time for you anymore. I don't even have time for me anymore. Be thankful you're still getting RTW every monday. Sorry you're upset, I really don't have the time to care though.

this post took 5 minutes and I have another meeting in 30 secs and my boss just asked me 15,005 questions.

next time leave your name, that way I can address you personally.

have a nice day.

Cake Monster

apparently I no longer have the use of color fonts either... grrr Mac.

Sari: I have a cupcake
Sari: :-)
Jess: WHATTTTTTTT
Sari: LOL!
Sari: it has pink frosting
Sari: I am just eating the frosting
Jess: NOOOOOOOOOO i am drooling
Jess: I WANT CAKE
Jess: my eyes got really wide when you said that
Jess: lol
Sari: hahha
Sari: I knew you would appreciate it
Jess: appreciate it? i want to get in a cab and steal it
Sari: LOL!!!!!!!!!!1
Sari: love you
Jess: now how am i supposed to concentrate! damn you!

Jammed

Looky what I caught! HAHA only kidding! My friend just happened to email me these pictures the same day Fival my office mouse and I bonded. I bet you this is one of Fival's cousins... poor guy. How the hell did he get into the printer!? Maybe he wanted to get some ink done? Laser hair removal? Silly mouse.

Rough Draft of the Work Moon-o-meter

I am trying to put together a 3 hole punch. Someone keeps stealing the industrial hole punch from the room where it lives. So I decided screw it, I'll just steal myself another one from the supply cabinet. But this is way too much work. Who knew I'd actually have to assemble it. Shouldn't it already be ready for use? The 3 hole punch came with like 8 punchy things all screwed in. Obviously I can't have that. Hence 3 hole punch, not 8. So I had to unscrew them all and remove 5... but I don't have a screw driver. Instead I improvised and had to use my scissors. Then once I had removed the stray extra 5, I had to rearrange the 3 so they were in the right spot and then proceed to screw them back in. Dumbest thing EVER. That literally took me a half an hour. I feel like I'm on Extreme Hole Punch makeover.

Supply and Demand

So besides the office supplies that I brought for myself because of my rampant office supply OCD, I was given the office supply book and told to get myself some stuff I needed. You mean free reign of the office supply book?? I don't know if I feel comfortable with this! I don't want to be thought of as the office supply golddigger. It's like when you marry a rich husband. You don't buy a Porsche the first week, you wait til at least maybe the second. So I ordered myself a desk lamp and a paper clip dish. WOWEE big spender! I'll wait til next week to get the $800 reclining Italian leather desk chair. Meanwhile my desk lamp has instructions that read... keep protective glass in place, see base sticker bebofe change bulb. Bebofe? Is that english?

Keeping Count

I got reprimanded this weekend for having 14 items in the 12 items or less checkout line at the stupidmarket. You have to be kidding me! Meanwhile the elderly man in the motorized wheelchair in front of me spent 15 minutes complaining about the price of his cranberry juice. I really doubt that my extra 2 items were what was holding up the line. But she had to scold me, while I looked at her half dumbfounded, half absolutely shocked/disgusted. Talk about being petty. You work at a supermarket hon... relax.

Things that Deserve some Thought

- Who misses the old Blog? ME ME! Who knew I'd have to do work, at work?
- Can I put a tanning bulb in my desk lamp? That would be awesome.
- Why is it socially unacceptable to take home dessert in a doggy bag? People don't do that do they? I have a rule though, NEVER leave over cake. But I feel like you can't take it home.
- Is it a requirement to have a shaved head if you're a trainer?
- I always used to be curious of people who would lick their finger when going through or seperating a stack of papers. Why would I want that paper now that your saliva is all over it? I don't want wet paper! Now I've noticed I'm a finger licker too...

Fed Sex: The world on time

Thought it was note-worthy to let you know that as we speak, I am moving my way up the Fed Ex food chain! Now I send out international packages as well as domestic! At least here the packing tape doesn't smell like vinegar. Soon, I'll have my own truck! I look good in purple.

Bracket update

Breaking news! Jessica's Stinky Bracket 2005 isn't in last place! I'm currently in 27th place out of 108 entries! Hey it ain't winning, but it ain't last or even bottom half! Gil's in second place. Gil, you're my bracket hero! Will you autograph mine?

Poor 'Cuse

Must you rub it in you BIG BULLY?!??

"And Syracuse? I know, Vermont is good. Vermont had a terrific big guy and a coach with a story. Vermont has the best maple syrup.

But Syracuse should not score 57 points with a lottery pick and against a team with two players. The Orange, who started the season 20-1 by beating the pants off mid-majors on its home court, could not beat a mid-major on the road on a neutral floor.

American beat Vermont. Boston University beat Vermont. Syracuse could not beat Vermont."

I just threw up a little in my mouth. American has a basketball team?? Ray Glier NBCSports.com contributor... I don't know where you live yet you mean, mean guy... but when I figure it out, you won't even hear me coming... 'Cuse basher.

Kiss it goodbye

Goodbye bracket. The madness has consumed you and incinerated your very being. I weep for you, for you are lost, toast, garbage. Oh poor, poor bracket. Poor, poor bracket. Too many upsets, too many high seeds advancing. How could you have known? Oh bracket, it's not your fault. Goodbye sweet bracket, goodbye.

St. Sorry

Yes Kevin is right. I've been so consumed with my bracket and my new job, that I couldn't find the time to locate a good shamrock clip art. I apologize. Green is very in this season, if you didn't know. I did however celebrate the holiday of Green by going to the Kareoke bar next to my new office with some work people. Next year I'll bring me lucky charms... Could I really pass for Irish?

What's on my iPod?: Monkee Business

When I was young, I loved the Monkees, had all their records, watched their tv show, and was totally in love with Davy Jones. I heard the song “Daydream Believer” the other day and I realized that it’s actually a piece of shit song. Davy Jones can’t sing. The words don’t make much sense and at time the whole thing sounds like something that could be on the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas Album. “Last train to Clarksville”… now that’s a hot song…

Listen to the Music

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/03/17/american.idol.ap/index.html

This is how I've been lowered to showing you pictures! Pathetic isn't it! Well if you follow that link... you'll see students in Edison Middle School in good old WO town (West Orange, my town) cheering on their music teacher... Anwar Robinson on American Idol! I wish my music teachers were on American Idol... I doubt they met the age requirements though, because they definitely didn't meet the "cool" requirements!

It's that time...

YES a visual!!! Halle-lujah! Notice the abundance of Orange. Good color. The madness starts! Get out your brackets, join your pools... pick, erase... erase, pick again. So far mine doesn't have holes in it yet from erasing and you'll be happy to know I'm still using the first one. But I'm armed with my lucky purple highlighter, so let's hope Dino-Mac (my pre-historic work computer) has the plug-ins needed to run virtual scores on cbs sportsline... otherwise I'm going to be a little cranky tomorrow. What you ask? Shouldn't I be doing work at work... hmm, k I promise to consider it.

Full House Flowers

Oh gosh I miss pictures! When I get home I will post one just because. But for now... we're going to have to use our imaginations. Imagine a big photo of a goofy smiling Uncle Jessie. Yep Uncle Jessie is getting his own show. One would think the networks could have been a little more creative with the premise, but no... it's about him being single. How mind-blowingly original since his real life split with Rebecca. But anyway... the point of this is that ABC has really gone all out with promotions for this thing. Probably smart since they scheduled it against the OC tomorrow night... genius, pure genius at it's best. People were standing on Park Avenue today giving out flowers from Uncle Jessie. Mine are on my desk right now. I know you're all jealous. I still plan on watching the OC, and humorously after receiving my flowers, couldn't remember for the life of me what the name of his stupid show was... time for some better promotion...

First day

YAWN. Weren't you so upset you didn't have any new posts from me today? That's because I'm still figuring out how to use the poor excuse for a computer that they gave me! Macs look cool and all... but that's about it. Worst freaking computers. Applications are far inferior on the Mac. AIM is a complete nightmare. Not that I'd rather have no AIM than nightmare AIM, but it really is a complete disaster. Steve Jobs and I need to have a discussion, ASAP. Don't think I'll be able to put any pictures up to the blog during working hours either, because my nightmare computer is also currently childproofed. I'm not allowed to download anything unless I ask the administrator. If anyone can come up with a covert way for me to to ask him for the blog imaging program and AOL... let me know.