The Daily Bailey

Gosh I am a handsome devil, aren’t I. I’ve been taking it easy lately. Chillin like a villain. Trying to make my way back into the good graces of the one who has hidden all of my food. I’ve been wondering why she hasn’t officially adopted me yet? Because of the vomit? The leather chair that now looks like swiss cheese? The $100 adoption fee? Certainly it can’t be because she doesn’t love me. Who wouldn’t love me? I’m a furry angel. I overheard her telling someone that she read that a typical cat will set you back more than $10,000 over its lifetime. Luckily for her, I am certainly not typical. I am sophisticated. Only $10,000? I turn my white and grey nose up at that.

It’s not my fault. Surely when I first arrived in her home, I couldn’t have been expected to have eaten that Iams garbage that she tried to pass off as cat food. I couldn’t care less when she bought can after can... Maybe he’ll like the tuna kind. Nope, I don’t. Maybe he prefers the chicken variety. Again I took one sniff and walked away. Continually it ended up in the trash where it belonged. I ate garbage on the streets, now I was moving up in the world. It only took her a week to realize that I deserved the best. Do away with this $0.99 a can crap and bring me the $2.39 goodness! In her defense, she’s ponied up since. I can see that you have 400 pairs of shoes, human... I know you can afford $1.40 more a can to satisfy my discerning taste...

Speaking of tasty, you look quite delicious lately too. Since you insist on only feeding me twice a day and I haven’t quite figured out how to break into this $50 automatic feeder that you leave for me when you desert me for days, although not for lack of trying... when you come home, I will chase you and pretend your calve is a delicious chicken wing. You insist on calling me stupid-ass names, I eat you. It’s the price you have to pay.

When it comes down to it, can you really put a price tag on the unconditional love, occasional throw up and pyro tendencies that I have to offer? I assume the answer is a cat-egorical no... So adopt me already bitch.