I do not understand why SHE thinks she can speak to me in the manner in which she does. Can I tell you that the other day she actually had the nerve to call me FAT?? Is that the way you’re going to talk to your kids human? You better sign me up for therapy. I am most certainly not fat (even though I knocked over that bag of pastries and munchkins you stupidly left on the counter and desperately tried to eat them). But hey while we’re name calling, you are looking a little brawny lately as well. I happen to really enjoy eating food (as it’s clear you do as well) and when it’s put in front of me, I scarf it down. And I beg for it all of the time. But that does not mean I have an unhealthy obsession with it. How dare she! I mean, what does she really expect. I am left in this 4x4 cell she calls an apartment day after day, with no room to run around or chase things, so of course I just sleep all day. Clearly I am not a calorie burning machine. When you throw my aluminum foil ball and I chase it down 2 feet... That is not really considered exercise.
We are also going to need to work on your tact. “Someone’s getting a little pooch” and “fattest belly” are not things to say to someone when encouraging weight loss. Threats such as “we are going to weigh you when we get home” are probably not the way to go either. I know there are fatter kitties out there than me, so if you even think about putting me on some kind of diet... I will eat you in your sleep. Besides, I’m a guy. I’m allowed to have a little kibble belly and still live with a hot girl. Yes, that’s right, I just complimented you... It won’t ever happen again so soak it up now. I guess it’s the least you deserve since after all of your incessant degrading of my fragile kitty psyche combined with the overt emotional abuse, I threw up all over. I now probably have an eating disorder and body image issues... I am like an after school special waiting to happen. Way to go human...
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