Who Knew?

So Tropical Storm Danny is coming to ruin my last Fire Island weekend. Here I was hoping to finish off my tan while sporting a bikini and instead I might as well bring my galoshes and a poncho. I'm thrilled. Really. No matter how many times I refresh the page, I still don't see any suns Fri-Sun. But I did happen to notice that apparently the weather people name the storms ahead of time. Am I the only person who didn't know they did that? I guess I never thought about where or when the names originated, but now I sorta feel like I've met the Wizard. All of the surprise is gone, I've seen all of the names now. And WTF is up with these names? Hurricane Fred? Ida? IDA? Is this a 1930's hurricane? Joaquin? Hurricane Joaquin. That's a mouthful. Say that 5 times fast...

Stupid People should be Shot on Sight

I am not a Rhodes scholar. I admit there are some (a small amount) of things I do not know, so sometimes I consult the interwebs. Specifically lately I've been doing research on cats since I am dedicated to providing the best care for my little monster. Never having had a pet before, I have many questions... however when I see the questions other people have, I am reminded that I could quite actually be a genius and that stupid people should be outlawed.

Poster Pete-Potentially dumbest person on Earth, asks...
How do you spay a cat? Is this something I can do at home myself?

{Shaking head and eyes bugging out} What. The. Fuck. Are you a lunatic? Yep, no problem Petey. You just reach up inside your cat and rip out its ovaries. No sweat you imbecile. Someone answered "yup, get a rusty spoon and a bottle of Jack Daniels"... HA! I bet that's the same way you neuter a stupid man named Pete...

The Daily Bailey

Gosh I am a handsome devil, aren’t I. I’ve been taking it easy lately. Chillin like a villain. Trying to make my way back into the good graces of the one who has hidden all of my food. I’ve been wondering why she hasn’t officially adopted me yet? Because of the vomit? The leather chair that now looks like swiss cheese? The $100 adoption fee? Certainly it can’t be because she doesn’t love me. Who wouldn’t love me? I’m a furry angel. I overheard her telling someone that she read that a typical cat will set you back more than $10,000 over its lifetime. Luckily for her, I am certainly not typical. I am sophisticated. Only $10,000? I turn my white and grey nose up at that.

It’s not my fault. Surely when I first arrived in her home, I couldn’t have been expected to have eaten that Iams garbage that she tried to pass off as cat food. I couldn’t care less when she bought can after can... Maybe he’ll like the tuna kind. Nope, I don’t. Maybe he prefers the chicken variety. Again I took one sniff and walked away. Continually it ended up in the trash where it belonged. I ate garbage on the streets, now I was moving up in the world. It only took her a week to realize that I deserved the best. Do away with this $0.99 a can crap and bring me the $2.39 goodness! In her defense, she’s ponied up since. I can see that you have 400 pairs of shoes, human... I know you can afford $1.40 more a can to satisfy my discerning taste...

Speaking of tasty, you look quite delicious lately too. Since you insist on only feeding me twice a day and I haven’t quite figured out how to break into this $50 automatic feeder that you leave for me when you desert me for days, although not for lack of trying... when you come home, I will chase you and pretend your calve is a delicious chicken wing. You insist on calling me stupid-ass names, I eat you. It’s the price you have to pay.

When it comes down to it, can you really put a price tag on the unconditional love, occasional throw up and pyro tendencies that I have to offer? I assume the answer is a cat-egorical no... So adopt me already bitch.

Who Knew?

"The 32-year-old real estate developer and investor was wanted in California on first-degree murder charges after the dismembered body of Jasmine Fiore was found in a trash bin in Buena Park, about 20 miles southeast of Los Angeles.

Fiore's teeth had been pulled out and her fingers cut off, apparently to impede her identification. Investigators used the serial numbers on her breast implants to identify her, prosecutors said."

Wait, she was identified by her breast implants? Breast implants have registered serial numbers? Like Vehicle Identification Numbers? Guess he forgot to cut those off too... Another criminal foiled by Silicone...

Top Ten

IAAF isn’t sure South African runner is female

Top ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) Who would pretend to be a woman to win a couple races? Pansy.

9) I’m not really sure what the IAAF is, but I am sure they aren’t that smart.

8) I hate to state the obvious, but... There usually are some pretty clear indicators...

7) I have a fail proof test for this very situation. Television. Popcorn. “Beaches.” Tears? She’s a chick.

6) I thought this usually only happened in Thailand...

5) How freakin insulted would you be if someone thought you required gender testing?

4) I’ve seen The Crying Game... I know how this ends.

3) Just because she’s flat chested does NOT mean she’s a man.

2) Those runners wear pretty tight shorts... Are you sure you’re not sure?

And the number 1 reason this is a great headline...

1) I will sit here anxiously awaiting the next great headline... “Mrs. Doubtfire breaks land-speed record in 800-meter final”

Flop You

Everything will kill you these days. Especially it seems, the things that I like. Tanning booths are as deadly as arsenic. Shopping carts are more germy than public restrooms. And now apparently my flip flops are “harbingers of death.” Seriously, WTF people? Harbingers of death? Cue the really scary music and complete over exaggerations...

I always just thought wearing my $3 flip flops everywhere would get me chastised by my father (also receiving a similar reaction are ripped jeans) who once proclaimed he would “buy me any pair of shoes I wanted, if I never wore those stupid flops again.” However it will also get me 18,000 different bacteria including Staphylococcus aureus (which I should be able to spell because I work in pharma, but alas I cannot.) Oooh just what I’ve always wanted!! A raging Staph infection! Yay...

Is there something about the rubber that adheres more easily to awesomely disgusting bacteria? Or is there another reason that my other sandals are less effective at killing me? Because I’m not really following the rationale behind the movement to smear flip flops. I have been wearing flip flops for more than half my life, everyday that is above 50 degrees, and so far I have successfully thwarted death. So I am thinking, now armed with this new information, as long as I don’t proceed to lick the bottom of my flops... I will be okay. Well fine, so maybe I won’t wear them around my apartment or let Bailey stick his face all over them... Ok come to think of it, fully rubbing Purell on everything as soon as I get home...

The Daily Bailey

Ahh 5:30am. The wonderful time I enjoy waking up every morning and making as much noise as felinely possible. I mean, why not? Nobody else lives here. Oh... I mean, besides HER. The human rolling over, muttering my name in angry voice, and seriously contemplating spraying me with that awful wet water shit. But I can’t be bothered with that because I am too busy darting around like a lunatic, crashing into everything, eating my feather toy, and generally doing everything I am not allowed to. I will continue to do this until she eventually wakes up and feeds me, which she is intentionally prolonging since I threw up in her bed a couple days ago.

Since she’s obviously holding a grudge and none of my cute kitty faces are working, today I think I will try to kill her. She has taken all of my fun away. First when she realized I knew where my food and treats were and would jump up there and try to scratch and claw my way into the bags, she moved them into the cabinets. Next when I knocked over the garbage pail every day so I could scavenge for things to eat, she moved it under the sink. What else was there left to do? So today, I decided to burn the place down.

While she was sleeping I jumped up onto the stove and managed to turn on one of the burners. Ohhh this hot, fiery, stuff shot out and I was mesmerized. It had just started to burn one of the handles of a pot that was there, when SHE had to smell gas and come into the kitchen and shut it off. I don’t think she was that mad because she didn’t yell at me or anything. She just sorta stared at me in disbelief, said something about “we needed to talk” and how I was “in a lot of trouble.” Then she pulled off all of the knobs on the stove and kept repeating that I was “a bad cat.” I really thought that based on my behavior, maybe she’d take me in that extremely posh carry bag with her to work, or even better yet back to that big house I vacationed in a couple weekends ago!!... But alas, she left me here once again. Maybe I’ll throw up again, or figure out how to turn on the faucets... or maybe I'll save that for tomorrow...

WTF is wrong with this picture?

This chick is my new hero. That's pretty much the EXACT face I'd be making if I was witnessing this debacle first hand. I'd call it a sorta "frightened, confused, I can't believe I am seeing this and I hope nobody I know is seeing me see this but I guess I'm on tv so I'll tightly smile" face.

Top Ten

Man convicted of groping Minnie Mouse

Top ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) Do I really even need to come up with a reason? That is just sick.

9) I truly don’t understand the attraction. She wears the same outfit everyday.

8) I think we can be a bit more descriptive. I’d like to suggest an alternate. How about... Creepy old dirty man ruins Disney World for everyone.

7) How can you possibly even cop a quality feel of someone wearing a large costume? Congratulations, you’re being sentenced and all you got was a handful of fake fur.

6) This guy’s grandkids are now severely traumatized for life.

5) Do you know what they do to mouse molesters in prison?

4) I had a hot dream about Goofy last night... But I guess I have a bit more self control than some people.

3) New song idea... “I saw Grandpa inappropriately touching Minnie Mouse...”

2) Who even knew Minnie Mouse had breasts?

And the number 1 reason this is a great headline...

1) And WTF did Mickey do? Just stand there and let it happen?

Depression Hurts

This past weekend I took Bailey (the cat) home to meet my family in New Jersey. I was nervous because a) my dad has claimed (and I say claimed because it turned out to not be true and I suspect now I’ve been lied to my entire life) to be allergic to cats, and b) because Bailey does whatever he wants whenever he wants to. I knew that my mom would absolutely love him, but was scared that my dad would either be livid that Bails decided to ruin some piece of furniture in the house, or be in anaphylactic shock. Both being serious problems. However after the tumultuous cab and train ride in his kitty carrier, in which I seriously think my cat lost one of his nine lives, he took quite nicely to his new surroundings. He adored having tons of space to explore and run around, and ate up all of the attention from his new family members. Sadly though, as I kept gently reminding him the entire weekend, we do not live there...

Unfortunately, he didn’t really understand that. And now I fully think he’s depressed. Since we’ve been back he just lays around and looks like a sad clown. Could my cat have depression?? What are the symptoms of kitty depression? Is there kitty web MD?

According to Google, causes of cat depression involve major changes to their routine:

• Death or introduction of a new family member or animal
• Moving
• Changes in food or litter
  

Symptoms of cat depression include:

• Eating very little (no problem there)
• Sleeping more than usual
• Loss of interest in playing
• Excessive vocalizing (no problem there)
  

OMG my cat is that little depressed white blob in the Zoloft commercials. He doesn’t feel like himself. He’s lost interest in the things he loves. Shit, I think I have kitty hypochondria!...

Top Ten

Study: Tanning beds can be as deadly as arsenic

Top ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) I guess I’d need to peruse the actual methodology, but was this a head-to-head study? People must have been dropping dead all over the place in that case.

9) Yea but does arsenic give you that awesome I look amazing even at 4am golden brown glowy feeling? I think not.

8) So.... the sun is still okay then, right?

7) A good scare tactic only works if it’s actually something people are afraid of. I woulda gone with “tanning beds can be as deadly as swine flu terrorism democrats.” But that’s just me.

6) If at first you were skeptical, all of that immediately dissipated once you saw the word “study:” I 100% believe this now.

5) I love how it has fully been medicalized and legalized. Great usage of “can be” versus “are.” I always approve of unabsoluteness (not a word).

4) If I continually sprinkled tanning beds in your tea every morning, would you die? Clearly not as effective.

3) Hmm rats. Well what about the tanning booths?

2) Gonna go out on a limb here and say that half the people going to the tanning beds haven’t got a clue what the hell arsenic is. And yes, it is on the periodic table. And no that is actually not the kind of table you think it is.

And the number 1 reason this is a great headline...

1) Tanning beds can be possibly potentially maybe kinda sorta somewhat like climbing into a hydrogen bomb and detonating yourself.

Talk is not cheap

Somehow... and this really, really is pure Jessica genius, I managed to go over my allotted cell phone minutes by 151 minutes this month. This is truly awesome since I can't remember who the hell I could have been talking to. I never go over my minutes. In fact, I dug up my last 4 or 5 months of bills, which are in a growing massive pile of crap I want to shred but I don’t have a shredder, to see how many minutes I usually use per month. None of the other months were even remotely close to the limit let alone over it... Let alone decimating it by 150. How could I have accomplished this? I hate talking on the phone. In fact, I occasionally don’t pick up when people call. Could I have used 150 minutes checking my voicemails? I’ve never once even considered the true value of those “rollover” minutes until I got my bill this month and saw that I was being charged... wait for it... $68.00 extra dollars. $68 mother fucking dolllllllares... To have unmemorable conversations. Not awesome... Not awesome at all. Next time I’m at a garage sale and I see rollover minutes that look like little clocks... I am sooo buying those...

Mite be a problem

Andrei: all the bird mites were on the window right where the nest was
Andrei: I went to the new hardware store in our town
Andrei: and told the guy that I had a pigeon nest on my window ledge and now I got all these mites in my house
Andrei: he says "Oh I raise pigeons. When they go and fly around, sometimes they pick up mites."
Jess: ewww
Jess: who raises pigeons?!
Jess: wtf
Jess: that is the most disturbed thing I’ve ever heard
Andrei: I was like "That's nice. But the pigeons are gone and now the mites are in my living room"
Andrei: he goes "Ok, you take the pigeon, lift its wings gently and spray underneath"
Andrei: moron
Andrei: I was like "It's not my fucking bird..it's a wild pigeon"
Andrei: Mike Tyson raises pigeons btw....hundreds of them
Jess: HAAHHAHAAH
Jess: he told u how to cure the pigeons
Jess: if you TOUCHED a pigeon... i'd never go near u again
Jess: EVER
Andrei: if I could get my hands on that pigeon I'd ring it's neck
Andrei: fucker
Andrei: what if I told you that I had mites on my legs last night
Jess: that is so nasty
Jess: don't come near my desk
Andrei: does Bailey wanna come over and kill pigeons in Forest Hills for me?
Jess: he was in a pigeon killing street gang in his previous life
Andrei: that's why I asked.....I figured he has experience

Bailey Bailout

So I got this cat. First couple of weeks fostering him everything was dandy. He doesn’t make any noise (seriously I think I’ve heard him meow maybe 3 times), he’s generally cute and probably thrilled to be in a place where there is a never ending supply of food. As in off the mean streets. He was a stray and I am a hero. However recently I think the honeymoon may be over. Don't be fooled by his adorableness... he’s become quite comfortable in my apartment and has proceeded to entangle himself in some very annoying acts of mischief lately. Yesterday he made his way to the top of the refrigerator and managed to knock over the $50 automatic feeder I was storing there, which came crashing to the floor, and was found by me, after my long work day in a million pieces. He also has decided that my leather chair is his new scratching post and it is now sporting some really awesome holes all over the top. At this point he is one strike away from getting the BOOT. I mean listen here mr. kitty... You are still a guest in my apartment, I haven’t technically adopted you yet... Maybe you could try to be on your best behavior, at least until I sign my life away...

Partly I know this is my fault. He’s a cat. They like to climb, explore, and scratch shit. I shouldn’t leave things out that could be broken and I should man up and clip his claws even though I am PETRIFIED. I’ve done a lot of research on this lately and all of the websites make this extremely daunting task sound like a breeze.

Supplies:
-Nail clippers
-Bath towel
-Delicious treats
-Cat
-Assistant (optional but VERY helpful)

Oh really? I need a cat to do this procedure? Probably substantially easier without one though...

Instructions:
1) Wrap cat in towel so only his head is sticking out.

OH right. Ok. And at step 1 we’re already going to have a problem. I am SO sure he’s going to love that. Then what?

2) Remove one front paw from towel
3) Give cat a treat
4) Gently apply pressure at the base of the cat's toes to push the claws out

Number 3 I can handle. The rest of this sounds slightly hazardous. Can’t I just subdue him with some Diprivan? I think I’m going to need some of those wire mesh gloves people wear when they’re handling hawks... I really don’t see this ending well...

It's my island and I'll cry if I want to

This is officially my first Fire Island summer. I went out one weekend last summer with my friend Marisa and it was an insane amount of fun. Very chill place, really cool bars, lots of good looking guys... Beach, rocket fuels (a pina colada type drink that packs quite the punch), awesomeness. However recently the island has been infiltrated with the type of snobby people one tries to avoid all your life. You know, the ones that are usually out in the Hamptons. The kind of girls who, while in the market looking around for creamer for my iced coffee, would say in the snarkiest voice possible while rolling their eyes “it says ask for milk.” Whoaaaa biznatch. I didn’t ask you and waste your valuable time while the sign was right in front of me. I didn’t even speak and I swear there was no sign. Clearly I must have done something wrong to deserve that kind of venom... Oh right, I just tried to exist on her earth. Excuse me...

These same little snots were apparently crying in bathrooms all over the island over boys. I truly wish I had witnessed this first hand, but I heard from a reliable source that a ridiculous number of girls were crying and having heart-to-hearts with their Fire Island hook ups. Some of my favorite overheard lines would be “I don’t understand. I’m cute and small,” and “you are so emotional, I think we need some space.” Then there was the girl I did see, who was slumped over on a bench in the bar and when we asked if she was okay or needed help, she said she was having problems with her boyfriend. Yea, can’t help ya there honey... Oh Fire Island...

Ghosts of Jessica's past - guest writer

I figured that just one account of possibly the most awkward night of my life might not be enough to allow you to understand how truly awful it was.  So I commissioned my friend Meredith (actually she happily volunteered, in between laughing at my misfortune... cold man, cold) to document from an outsider's point of view the events of that fateful (ie, shitastic) evening.  Names have been changed to protect the people I wouldn't mind not running into again... 

Ghosts of Jessica's past

I recently went on a ghost tour of old homes in Cape May.   When the 90-year old tour guide took us in one of the “haunted” houses, I couldn’t help but laugh and mock the others who truly believed they could feel the ghost of the house dog walk by them on the stairs.  I don’t believe in ghosts, or should I say, I didn’t believe in ghosts until I spent a night in a Shiva house with Jessica.

Jessica had three ghosts visit her that night – one being that of her former “best friend with benefits” who tracked us down in our hiding spot at the cookie table (who would ever look for us there?).  He kindly asked about her family, her job, and her thoughts on his leaving for his bachelor party that coming Thursday.  Jessica avoided sharing her thoughts on his bachelor party, but she did manage to share her thoughts on the legal use of shotguns in NYC as I stood directly between the two and our friend Jaime chanted awwwkward time and time again.  Classic.

This ghost of Jessica’s past had barely returned to heaven, or wherever it is that ghosts go when they decide to stop haunting the living, when Jaime’s aunt yelled across the room “Jaime – guess what!  The ‘Smiths’ are here”!  She shouted with such zealousness one would have thought the Obamas had come to join the minion.   Well, the “Smiths” just happened to be the parents of Jessica’s high school boyfriend.  Ghosts two and three.  Fabulous.

Jessica managed to avoid the Smiths for quite a bit of time, but when Mrs. Smith finally tracked her down (no – not at the cookie table this time), she asked about her family, her job, and then loudly stated “I’m sure you heard, our son is getting married”.  Yes Jaime – this was once again awwwkward.

I think it would do me good to return to Cape May and visit that house again.  Maybe now that I am a believer I too will feel the dog run by me and brush up against my leg.  If anything could change this non-believer, it was a night of Jewish mourning with Jessica and her past.

>^..^<

I may have decided to adopt a cat. I’ve been thinking about it and talking about it for over a year... I just haven’t pulled the trigger yet. It’s a big decision, but my friend Mara rescued a cat off the streets the other day and I’ve submitted an application to allow him to move in with me.  An application... With references... For a cat. Do I need a guarantor as well? I could get an apartment in NYC easier than this cat...

Mara: so what happened with jordana, i saw her email to you
Jess: she's going to call me today
Jess: this is like adopting a kid
Mara: oh nice...hahah totally
Mara: i was like what the hell does she want to talk to her about
Mara: it was very straightforward
Jess: it's not like i'm going to ask for the cat and then neglect him
Jess: or put him in the microwave
Mara: haaaaa i guess there are some people who might
Jess: silly
Jess: that'd be just like me
Jess: to be turned down for adopting a cat who 48 hours ago was living on the street
Mara: omg i cannot imagine that...
Jess: well i am not getting too excited yet
Mara: i am!! Im antsy...
Jess: well now i've named him and everything
Jess: so i may be a little devastated
Jess: when they decide i am only fit to raise stuffed cats
Mara: i think it will all work out fine..its probably just procedure
Mara: haaaaaaaaahahaha...stop...im peeing...
Jess: ya know, if Smokey could talk... she'd tell them what a wonderful caretaker I am
Jess: for 20+ years she's stayed with me
Mara: she could have been your reference
Jess: she could leave if she wants...
Jess: but she stays

F My Life

God hates me. It's official. I was paying a shiva call for my best friend whose grandfather passed away. Doing a good deed. Being a good person. Completely blind to the fact that I'd just walked into a house of my past horrors. Seriously, if it wasn't a solemn occasion, there might have been screaming and bloody agony.  

Sitting at the table mere feet away was a guy I used to hook up with... And his fiance. I hadn't seen him in almost 4 years and I was totally fine with continuing that running tally. What I wouldn't have given to fully have been wearing a disguise at that very moment. Instead I thought it’d be a stellar idea to alternate between pretending to be a grown up and attempting to hide behind my fellow 5 foot tall friend and then eventually forcing her to stand with me while he approached (without his fiance) and proceeded to make small talk, and ever so smoothly throw in that he was leaving for his bachelor party on Thursday.  Oh yes. Like I care. Ah the irony that is my life while he talked about his wedding date and I discussed how cool it’d be to shoot a sawed off shotgun and devoured a Napoleon, a pastry named after a dictator.  Let's just say my awkwardness quota has been achieved for the next century, I'm good. Fully squared away.

Well, not unless I was to tell you that 10 minutes later my high school exes parents walked in. Could this be the most horrifyingly awkward night of my life? Just possibly. Standing there desperately wishing for that disguise again, and wondering what the hell I could have done to deserve this, as my friend's aunt announces their arrival by screaming out "Loook who's here!!" More painfully awkward small talk as his Mom approaches to say hello, and then the inevitable "I'm sure you've heard he's getting married." Oohh yesss of coooourse. Silly me. I'm sure you've heard I'm still single. I'm sure you've heard I'm a prostitute. I'm sure you've heard I have 5 illegitimate children with 4 baby daddies. I'm sure you've heard that  I really wish they were serving something stronger at this shiva, like CRACK. Take care now.

Did that really just happen? Seriously? Seriously. Who knew my friend's grandfather passing away would turn into such a tragedy for me. This would have made a great sitcom... I would have won an Emmy for Best Attempt to not drown your face in a bottle of tequila or crawl in a hole and die while in an utter calamity or cosmic joke...

Mind your manners

At this very minute, I have about 400 other things I should be doing, but instead I’ve decided to take a moment to discuss etiquette.  I certainly didn’t attend the Emily Post Institute and nobody would ever mistake me for Miss Manners, however some things I believe to be simply common sense.

You cannot ask someone to be your maid of honor and then demote them to regular old bridesmaid right before the wedding. That HAS to be against wedding etiquette. Sadly that has happened to me once.

When emailing back and forth with someone, you should actively ask questions and allow the other person something to respond to.  If you answer all of my questions and don’t ask me any in return, I assume the conversation is over because what the hell am I supposed to respond to? Bad email etiquette.

Apparently you cannot consume the chocolate party favors at a 1 year old’s birthday while still at the party.  My friend Meredith was not aware that, according to our friend Jay, this breaks party etiquette.  This one I have to take issue with however, because I fully would’ve eaten the favor too. In fact, I would’ve eaten everyone’s and put the rest in my bag for later...

Top Ten

FDA takes issue with Cheerios health claims

Top ten reasons why this is a great headline:

10) General Mills got a warning letter from FDA. That makes me chuckle.

9) Does anyone eating Cheerios for breakfast really think it’s going to prevent heart disease? Big Mac for lunch, TGIFriday’s for dinner... But hey, at least I had my Cheerios this morning, so I’m protected.

8) Maybe they should hire the world-class researchers who conducted Phase III testing to support that Kix are “Kid tested, Mother approved.”

7) It’s not like they said they were the “Breakfast of Champions”... Because that seems to be a gross overpromise.

6) Pretty soon our food packaging will be carrying Fair Balance.

5) FDA don’t you have better things to do, like monitor the pharmaceut... Oh wait, please continue going to town on cereals.

4) I’m sorry, but I’m really going to need to see some hard data for some other cereal claims now.  “They’re grrrreat”...? Really Frosted Flakes? Prove it.

3) Wait, it doesn’t lower cholesterol? Hell, I’m getting me some Count Chocula, or at least something with marshmallows in it...

2) Maybe Cheerios just needs to run a straight up comparison study in order to prove their claim.  Something like “Cheerios lowered cholesterol 4-6% in a head-to-head study with Bacon”. Yup, that’ll work.

And the number 1 reason this is a great headline...

1) Who cares. Cheerios taste like shit.