The Daily Bailey

I’m a pretty straight edge kinda cat. My former life may have been lived on the mean streets, but I wasn’t swayed by the alley cat lifestyle even though I still had my balls back then and fully could have been a LEGEND. When I was finally caught and tested for the FIV, I was clean. Believe me people, my body is a cat-hedral. I do not have illicit sex... Mainly now because I am not allowed to leave this apartment, so my choices are limited to licking myself or trying out that stuffed dog over there. I do not drink... Anything besides water. SHE never puts the good stuff in my bowl. Basically, I never do anything fun or crazy. It really puts the F U in fun. Until the other night when I was taunted and blatantly peer pressured... “Bailey, wanna have some fun...” to engage in behaviors for which I am ashamed yet slightly amused. Fine, laugh at me... It was awesome and I am totally hooked and thinking of ways to solicit my next fix...

Whoa man, whoa. Like w.h.o.a. This catnip stuff is off the chain. The entire apartment is spinning at 1000 mph, my pupils are so dilated they might as well be marbles, and everything looks DELICIOUS. I sat in front of the microwave for what seemed like an eternity, because I thought I remembered food sometimes coming out of there, but nothing happened. Instead I decided to chow down on this yummy cat toy for a bit, until I realized that the ball of aluminum foil hanging out next to my scratching post seemed particularly mouthwatering. Wellll hellloo there scratching post. You certainly are looking mighty fine for rubbing, and eating, and humping. Shit, why is this skank video taping me? I certainly did not consent to this. I am busy here humping this... Wait, what is that fluffy grey thing that is bouncing around and singing “Bailey eat me, you know you wanna...”... Oh YES, it’s my tail! Come here stupid elusive tail... Get in my mouth! Oooh I’ve got you now! Um where’d you go??

I think I am on speed. Whoo I’m spent. I need a catnap... And then definitely more CRACK! Or whatever you call this amazing amazingness. Don’t hide the stash selfish human, I will kill you in your sleep for my next fix...